Page 75 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
I tilt my head to look at him, water filling my ear so I can hear both the sounds of the ocean and Theo’s breathing.
‘You and me both.’ I look back at the now darkened sky. ‘I’m terrified about how much I don’t know myself. It’s a constant point of tension between me and my mother.’
‘Who does she think you are?’
I huff out an annoyed breath. ‘Is this normal post-hand-job talk?’
Theo laughs loudly and splashes me with water. I wish for seashells to capture that sound, that beautiful laugh, so when I hold it up to my ear, I can hear him instead of the sea.
‘No one’s ever given me a hand job in the middle of the ocean. I don’t know the rules.’
‘Really?’ I muse. ‘This is my fifth. You’d be surprised how popular they are at Oxford.’ Theo doesn’t say anything back so I peer over at him cautiously.
‘Oh, you shouldn’t have said that.’ He dips his body so that the water covers his shoulders and only his head is visible. He stalks forward and I squeal.
‘Theo!’ I try to swim backwards but within seconds he grabs me by my foot and pulls me towards him. Kicking my ankle is useless but I try anyway, flailing dramatically.
‘Mhm, want to redact that, Magdalen?’ His hand rests on my stomach, running the pads of his fingers all over me, and I squirm unconsciously, pushing my hips outside the water further into his touch.
‘Fine, only four,’ I breathe, enjoying a jealous Theo. His mouth pulls in a predatory smile.
‘Funny girl,’ he says, voice low. His hand mirrors mine minutes before as he brushes against the waistband of my bikini bottoms, mouth slightly open as he watches my stomach contract at the touch.
‘Funny, beautiful girl.’ And then, without warning, Theo grabs me from underneath the water and tosses me in the air. I yelp loudly and land back in the water with a crash. His laugh is loud enough for me to hear underwater, and I secretly gush. Who knew I was so funny? Just as I’m about to swim back up, I feel Theo’s hands tracing the scars scattered across my back and I tense, staying underwater a moment longer before lifting my head. Rubbing my eyes slowly, I open them to find Theo looking at me, frowning a bit.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask, though I feel his question from here.
‘You never told me what those scars are.’ He lifts his chin towards my back casually, but I see the tension in his eyes.
‘Oh.’ My gaze stays trained on my hands dipping in and out of the ocean, watching the water flow through my fingers. ‘It happened a while ago. It was just an accident.’
Theo stares at me for a beat, and I watch him try to accept the answer, but his tongue rolls across his gums and he frowns again. ‘How’d it happen?’
The giddiness of giving my first hand-job is slowly fizzling. It’s the way he’s looking at me, as if he already knows and wants to check if I’ll be brave enough to say it. A wave of something close to annoyance threatens to seep into my answer. You know nothing about me.
‘It was so long ago, I hardly even remember.’
‘Sure, but you must remember something about it. Where were you when it happened?’
I bite the inside of my cheek, looking towards the slight outline of the moon. Clouds move lazily across the sky. I search for a star; maybe if I find one soon enough I can wish this moment away.
‘Theo, what are you doing? It was a stupid accident; I just don’t remember.’
‘You said that already.’ His voice has changed and our eyes meet, challenging one another. No longer playful and fun. No longer flirty. He tries to reach out to touch my back but I flinch away.
‘So accept that as my answer,’ I retort.
Theo immediately drops his hand and looks at me painfully. ‘Who the fuck has a back full of scars and doesn’t remember how they got them, Magdalen?’
‘I guess I do,’ I sigh, swimming closer to the shore. Feeling disappointed by how quickly this turned bad. It must be me, I think, resigned. I must bleed out this blueness. Me and my fucking blue bedroom. Hugging myself underwater, I draw my chin tight towards my neck, trying to cover up a shiver, but Theo sees and immediately swims closer to me. I pretend to cover up another flinch and start swimming faster, just a few feet away from the sandy beach, but his jaw tightens, looking at me sadly, nodding to himself. My throat constricts and the words stick to my throat. Give me a second, I want to say. How can you want me to show you my ugliest parts when I just got you?
He looks up. ‘It’s getting dark. And you’re cold.’
‘I’m fine,’ I shrug, still putting distance between us. Just give me a fucking second.
‘You’re not.’ He swims past me, careful not to touch me as he walks out of the water.
He passes my sarong to me when I near him and we both dry ourselves in silence. What felt romantic moments ago now feels dirty, sand and sea water coating my skin. While he makes no move to say anything first, Theo stares at me the entire time I dry myself.
