Page 44 of My Heart Still Beats
“I didn’t always.” He squeezes my hand that’s still touching his chest. “Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for my fortune. For everything good that has happened to me. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t fought demons.”
I don’t want to fight forever, though. I’m tired of fighting. “Have you won against them?”
He pauses a moment, his forehead wrinkling. “It’s not winning that’s important. It’s moving forward. The journey. It’s not letting them eat at you, suffocate you.”
“Good to know that’s possible.”
He smiles. “It’s not only possible, Tessa. It’s necessary. It’s necessary because you’re a beautiful and vibrant woman, and you deserve to have a life that you love. So make a deal with me, okay?”
A deal… “And what would that be?”
“This weekend, you have a good time. I’m not saying to forget what happened to you. That’s not possible. Believe me, I know. But have a good time inspiteof that.”
“Depression isn’t something that you can turn on and off.”
He nods. “That’s correct. You can’t turn it on and off. But what youcando is choose how to deal with it when it happens. Instead of sitting in your room eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, you can be active. Go on a run. Walk by the beach. We’re going to be on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world.”
I bite my lip and let my gaze fall to my lap. “What if I can’t?”
“What are you talking about can’t? Do your legs work?”
“Of course.” There was a time when they felt like they didn’t, because the depression was so bad. Some days I couldn’t move if I tried. But that isn’t where I am anymore, thank goodness.
“Then youcan, Tessa,” he says gently but firmly.
He’s not wrong. When I’m having a bad day, I always feel a little better when I do something productive. Even if it’s just taking Rita on a short walk. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking the trash down to the dumpster.
“Do it for Skye,” Ben says. “Like you said, she needs you to be happy.”
“I don’t believe in faking it, Ben.”
“I don’t, either. Faking it can lead to bad things. It can lead to people not knowing you’re in pain, and then… Well, let’s not go there. I’m not asking you to fake it. I’m asking you to, when you’re feeling bad, get up and dosomething. It doesn’t matter what it is. Get your ass out of bed and do it. You said you didn’t want Skye and Braden to worry about you this weekend. This is how you accomplish that.”
He lets my hand go then, and I absently place it against my own heart.
My heart still beats.
And that, alone, is a reason to be grateful.
Is it a reason to be happy? Ecstatic?
Yeah, it is.
So why am I not feeling that way?
“I’m just saying, Tessa, at least for these four days, if you’re having a particularly bad time, get up. Walk across the room. Take a shower. Get dressed. Go outside.”
I swallow.
“You can do this,” Ben assures me with a smile. “And if you find that you’re having trouble? Call me. I will be at your side. I will drag you out of your room, if you ask me to. I will do whatever it takes to help you make this long weekend perfect for Skye and Braden.”
“All right,” I tell him.
So I’ll suck it up.
I’ll feign emotion.
And I will make sure that my best friend has the best long weekend of her life.
