Page 68 of The Absence of You
There is no way of knowing, but ultimately, none of this was my mum’s fault, and I don’t want to spend another minute blaming her.
And I don’t blame my dad either. Yes, he killed someone, and it’s unforgivable, but when I consider how I would feel if I walked into a room and saw someone I loved being assaulted, I imagine you would want to do whatever it took to protect them. I don’t condone violence, but does anyone really know how they’d react in those circumstances? So just like with my mum’s drinking, I get it. At least, partially. My father did what he did, because he saw a grown man’s hands on the young woman that he loved. I’m not sure many people can honestly say they wouldn’t do the same thing. A thought suddenly occurs to me.
“Was my mum pregnant when she was assaulted?” Fuck, that makes it even worse. “She must have been pregnant before my dad went to prison then. Does he even know I exist?” I sit up straight. Suddenly, I have an overwhelming urge to know everything about my father. Every single detail.
“Darling girl, yes, he knows about you. Your mum and I have sent him photos and written to him regularly over the years. I visit him a few times a year, and, when you would come up and stay as a child, your mum visited him too. We took you to the prison a couple of times when you were tiny, but he didn’t want you to have any memories of him in there, so he demanded that we stop bringing you. His biggest regret about what he did that night was that he didn’t get to see you grow up.” Dee’s eyes glisten with unshed tears, and she wrings her hands. She continues “He loves you. Every time his parole was due, he clung on to the hope that he’d be released and finally able to be a part of your life, but it was disappointment after disappointment.”
“And my mum stopped visiting him at the same time I stopped coming to see you?” I frown. “What changed?”
“When he was denied parole around four years ago, he insisted she stop visiting him. He accepted he wouldn’t be coming home in the near future, and he knew it was unfair to expect you and Rosie to wait forever. He wanted her to try to move on, to try to create a life for you both instead of her waiting for him.”
At some point, Grayson had come back into the room, and he was sitting in a chair in the corner. He stayed silent, his face impassive. It was clear he already knew some, if not all of what Dee was telling me as he barely showed any reaction. My gaze swung back to Dee as she spoke again. “When you stopped visiting me a few years back, I assumed your mum was staying away to try to fulfill his wishes about moving on. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t push more for you to come down. I hated not seeing you, but I thought I should give your mum the space to try to do that. Joe was the love of her life, but he was right, while she was still young, she should have been trying to find some happiness. I had no idea all she was doing was becoming more dependent on the drinking, that she wasn’t moving on at all. I felt terrible when I got the call saying she was in rehab.” Her voice quivers. “He pushed her away, but it just made things worse for you both.” He was trying to do the right thing, and I wasn’t going to hold it against him.
“He can’t have known that would happen Dee.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t realise earlier. I should have been a better grandmother to you. And maybe things could have been different back when Joseph was a teenager. If I’d have seen the signs with Rosie all those years ago… I let her down over and over.”
“Stop that Dee. There is only one person to blame, and it’s not you. Or my mum. Or my dad. I’m not happy that you kept it from me, but I can see that you genuinely believed you were doing the right thing. I just wish you’d told me earlier.” My next words are aimed at Grayson as much as Dee. “Everyone around me thinks they know what’s best for me. But I’m stronger than you all give me credit for. I know everything now, and I’m fine. The truth is out, and the world hasn’t stopped.” Dee smiles, but it doesn’t quite meet her eyes, and I don’t miss the way she quickly glances at Grayson before glancing away again.
“What? What was that? Is there something else?” Dee squeezes her eyes shut. I look at Grayson. His hands are clenched on his lap, and he looks furious. I look back at my grandmother. “Dee?”
“Sweetheart… there’s a chance Joseph isn’t your father.” It takes me a few moments to process her words. There’s a chance Joseph isn’t your father. I look just like him. I’ve seen photos. We share the same grey eyes, don’t we? And I thought she said my mum and he were in a serious relationship? Surely she wasn’t cheating… Oh fuck no. No, no, no, no, no. Realisation slaps me in the face, and my stomach lurches.
I swing my legs out of the bed, stagger to the bathroom and lose the contents of my stomach. I retch over and over, until my ribs ache and there’s nothing but bitter acid left. Grayson has followed me into the bathroom and is kneeling next to me, holding my hair back. I’m still mad at him, but I don’t have the energy to push him away.
“I’m so sorry, Lia. I wish I could make this better for you.” He strokes my back and then helps me climb to my feet. The smell of vomit and pool chlorine clings to my sweat covered skin, and I wonder how he can bear to stand so close to me right now.
“You should go.”
“I’m not leaving you like this.”
“I mean it. Just go.” I rummage through the small cupboard under the sink. There are no toothbrushes, but there’s a sealed bottle of mouthwash. It will have to do. I unscrew it and take a swig, swishing it round my mouth a few times before spitting it out. In the reflection in the mirror I can see Grayson watching me with a clear look of sympathy on his face, and it pisses me off. The last thing I want right now is his pity. “Why are you still here?”
“Lia. Please. I want to be here for you. I know you don’t trust me, and you have every right to feel that way, but I swear I have only ever had your best interests at heart.” He is talking to me softly, like I’m a wounded animal, and it only pisses me off further. “You need a friend.” Friend? I almost laugh. Turning to face him, I say my next words slowly and clearly so there is no chance he will misunderstand me.
“I appreciate you pulling me out of the pool. It was fucking stupid of me to get that drunk and go out by the pool. So, thank you. That’s the second time you’ve come to my rescue, and I appreciate it. I really do. But the way you cast me aside after we had sex, and the fact you knew the truth about my dad and kept it from me? They aren’t the actions of a friend.” Maybe I’m being harsh. He literally saved my life a few hours ago. But I can’t forget everything else that happened. He was hiding the truth about my dad for a lot less time than my mum and Dee did, but he was the one person in the whole world who knew exactly how much I wanted to know why my dad left, and he didn’t tell me. And I just can’t see past it. My assertiveness is betrayed as my legs buckle slightly, and I have to grip the sink as I’m suddenly aware of how exhausted I am.
“Please give me a chance to explain. There are things I need to tell you.” Grayson steps toward me but stops when there’s a knock at the bathroom door.
“Dahlia, are you okay?” Am I okay? It was one thing hearing about my mum and Joseph when I thought he was my father, but now I know there is a chance I’m the result of my mum’s assault, I feel sick to my stomach. When I don’t reply straight away, Dee calls out again. “Grayson, shall I get the doctor?”
“I’m okay Dee. I’ll be out in a minute.” I splash water on my face and head back into my hospital room.
Dee stops pacing and opens her arms for me to step into. She holds me tightly, and for a minute, I just lean into her comfort. Eventually I whisper into her hair, “Do I know everything now?”
“Yes.” she answers sadly as she hugs me tighter. I let out a breath.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
I pull away first. “You should go home for a few hours, Dee. Grayson is leaving now, and if I’m honest, I need some time to process everything.” She looks like she’s going to object, but I pick up my mobile phone off the bedside cabinet. “I messaged Callie earlier. She’ll be here any minute. She can keep me company until I’m discharged.” Dee nods, and I watch her gather her things and head out. Grayson hesitates briefly before following her.
Chapter Fifty-Three
DAHLIA
“Iam so fucking sorry.” Callie whispers when I finally finish telling her everything I’ve learnt in the last few hours. We’re lying on my narrow hospital bed, shoulder to shoulder, both of us staring at the stark white ceiling.
