Page 54 of The Absence of You
“You knew? And yet a couple of days later you walked away from me, told me we are nothing?” She chokes back a sob. Her next words are just a whisper, but I hear every single of them clearly, as though she’s carving them into my skin. “I wish I’d never slept with you Grayson. I wish I’d never let you touch me at all.”
Last week I stood in the school car park and told her having sex was a mistake, so I fucking deserve to have her say that to me. But the difference was, I was lying. She means it. She genuinely regrets it. And I will have to find a way to live with that.
Dahlia walks away from me and returns to unpacking the boxes of books on the shop floor. I don’t want to leave things like this, but there is nothing I can say to make this better. So after what feels like an eternity, I leave the shop and let the door swing closed behind me.
Chapter Forty-Four
DAHLIA
Do not let him see you cry. Do not let him see you cry.
Finally the ping of the bookshop door lets me know he’s gone and only then do I let myself fall apart. Kneeling on the bookshop floor, sobs rack my body. I’d already accepted my friendship with Grayson is over but this is like a nail in the coffin.
Grayson never made any promises, but the boy I used to know would never have been so callous with my feelings. With anyone’s feelings.
Why did he come here this morning? It wasn’t for a book. I’m sure of that. Was this version of him really so deliberately cruel that he’d come here just to make me suffer? Tears soak my cheeks as they continue to fall freely, and I wipe my face on my arm. Mascara streaks across my white sleeve, and I realise I must look a complete mess. This is so unprofessional. I need to get cleaned up in case a customer comes in. There’s a box of tissues by the till, so I climb to my feet and head over there. My vision is blurred and as I reach over to snag one, I bang my hip on the sharp corner of the counter. Fuck, that hurt. My hip throbs, but it’s still not enough to distract me from the real cause of my pain.
I tip my bag out on the counter looking for my mirror so I can clean myself up. My face is blotchy and red, and I look like I’ve done a couple of rounds with a boxer and lost. The dry tissue I’m clutching scratches as it takes care of the mascara that’s streaking my cheeks, but it does nothing to disguise the puffiness.
I take a few deep breaths and grip the counter, determined to fight the urge to sink back down to the floor. If I go home in this state, Dee will be beside herself with worry, so I need to get a grip on myself before I head back there. I can’t even stay out for a few extra hours as my mum is due to call this evening. It’ll be the first time I’ve spoken to her since she went into rehab, and I need to go straight back to Dee’s as soon as my shift finishes.
The thought of my mum suddenly makes me want to cry all over again. Guilt washes over me. I’ve barely spared her a thought over the last few weeks, and now selfishly all I can think of is hearing her voice and having her comfort me. I have been so wrapped up in my own life, I have neglected my family. And it isn’t just my mum that I need to do better with. There has definitely been something on Dee’s mind. On more than one occasion when I’ve entered the room, she’s been staring off into space and jumped out of her skin when she’s finally noticed me. She has been making lots of calls that she ends abruptly when I walk in too. Whatever it is might not be something she wants to share, but the least I can do is make it known I’m there if she needs me.
From now on, my family is my priority. I realise with a start, that a lot of my life, my happiness has hinged on my relationship with Grayson, and it isn’t healthy. I sigh. That’s so much easier said than done though. It’s not like I can just turn off my emotions.
There are months left until the exams, and the thought of staying at Heathley Academy and seeing him every day fills me with dread. But the plan was always for me to stay with Dee until I finish this school year, so I need to find a way to deal with it, as it wouldn’t be fair to her, or my mum, if I suddenly announced I wanted that to change.
Every bit of this place is tied to an experience with him or a memory and all of those memories just feel tarnished now.
Somehow, I make it through the rest of the day at work, managing to distract myself by rearranging the window display and cleaning the coffee machine. When I arrive back at Dee’s I have a quick shower and then head downstairs to wait for my mum to call.
The phone rings exactly as scheduled, and I snatch up the handset after just one ring.
“Hello?”
“This is the Devaney Centre. I have a call for Miss Dahlia Winter from Ms. Rosie Winter.”
“This is Dahlia.”
“One moment please.”
After a few seconds, the familiar sound of my mum’s voice greets me. “Dahlia! How are you?”
“Mum, it’s so good to hear your voice.” My hand trembles, and I press the phone harder against my ear as if that will somehow let me get closer to her.
“I’ve missed you so much,” she chokes out, emotion clearly evident in her voice. “How have you been?”
“I’m good, Mum. I have settled into school, and it’s so good to see Dee. I’ve made a friend too. Her name is Callie.” I had been planning to tell her everything that’s been going on with Grayson, but I realise now is not the time. I don’t want to fill the call with negativity. I’m the first person from outside she’s spoken to, and I don’t want her worrying about me.
“That’s so lovely sweetheart.”
“What about you? Is it okay there?”
“Yes, the centre is nice. Really nice, and my doctor is pleased with my progress. Actually, my treatment plan is one of the reasons for this call.”
“Oh?”
“The next part of my recovery involves talking to the people who have been affected by my addiction. And that’s you. I would like the chance to say sorry.”
