Page 55 of The Absence of You
“Mum, I don’t need an apology, I-” She cuts me off.
“Yes, you do. I could apologise a hundred times over, and it wouldn’t be enough to make up for the last few years. Apologising is also an important part of the recovery process. For both of those reasons, I want to do it properly.”
“Okay.” I meant it when I said I didn’t need an apology, but if this is what she needs to do to get better, then I will do whatever she needs.
“My doctor said normally family members would have some joint sessions scheduled over a period of a few weeks, but as you’re a couple of hours away, they’ve suggested you come and stay for the week, and we arrange a more intensive version of that. What do you think?”
I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t an invitation to see her. I guess I should have been ready for it as we were made aware of my mum’s treatment plan when she’d been admitted, but it had all been a bit of a blur at the time. The thought of her being at this stage already brings pure relief. She must be making real progress.
“It would be really good to see you, Dahlia. They have family accommodation at the centre you can stay at so you would be right on the site and - ” This time it’s me that cuts in.
“That sounds perfect, Mum. I’ll be there.”
Suddenly, all I can think about is seeing her in person and giving her a hug.
It will also mean I finally have the opportunity to ask her why she didn’t tell me she attended Heathley Academy. Being back here has triggered more questions about her and my dad, and I hope she will finally be willing to talk to me about some of it.
My family has always been small, and as much as I’d like to think Dee will be with us forever, she’s in her sixties. Yes, that's young for a grandparent but I need to be realistic. At some point, our family of three is going to get smaller, and the thought sits heavily in my subconscious. Dee and my mum have always maintained they have no contact with my dad, but if he is out there, then they are my best chance of tracking him down. If they are right and he’s not interested, maybe he has other children. They’d be my half siblings. At some point, they might want to have a relationship with me, even if he doesn’t. The thought of my family growing might not be very realistic, but until I find out for sure, I won’t ever give up hope.
By the time we finish the phone call, I’m so tired, all I feel like doing is crawling into bed. Physically I’m worn out, but emotionally. I’m absolutely drained.
We have arranged with the centre that I’ll travel up on the train tomorrow and stay for the week. It isn’t much notice, but Dee contacted college, and they are happy to authorise some leave. They said they will also email me some work so I don’t miss too much while I’m gone.
Tomorrow doesn’t give me a lot of time to prepare, but Dee has sorted the practical arrangements, and actually, a break from Heathley Academy couldn’t come at a better time after the shit show of this week.
She tells me to go and pack while she finishes preparing dinner, so I head upstairs. I pull my old holdall down off the top of my wardrobe, and it only takes a few minutes to throw in a couple of changes of clothes, some underwear and a few toiletries. As I pull the zip closed, I think back to the last time I packed this bag, only a few short months ago. My head had been a mess then too, but it felt like things might be finally turning around for us. Now I’m not so sure what the future looks like.
Chapter Forty-Five
DAHLIA
AGE 6
“Mummy, why don’t I have a daddy like everyone else in my class?” In school today, my friend Lucy-Mae said I had no daddy because my mummy wasn’t pretty enough, but that couldn’t be right because my mummy was the prettiest mummy I had ever seen. I looked up into her big brown eyes as she tucked me into bed, her long dark hair falling down and tickling my face. She smiled.
“Oh Dahlia, you do have a daddy. Remember? I showed you those photos at Grandma Dee’s house.” I do remember her showing me a photo once, a long time ago. It was a photo of my mummy and a man all dressed up, ready to go to a fancy party. She looked like a princess, and he looked like a prince.
“Well, why haven’t I met him, Mummy?”
“Sometimes, daddies have to leave their families for important work or because of something they can’t help. Your daddy loves you very much, but he had to go away when you were very tiny.” I scrunched up my face. That can’t be right either. Tommy Taylor’s daddy went away for work, but he came home to visit all the time. I’ve never met my daddy.
“When will he come home to visit us then? Doesn’t he miss us?” Maybe Lucy-Mae was almost right, except maybe it was me who wasn’t pretty enough. That meant it was my fault he didn’t come and visit. My mummy and Dee must be mad at me if that’s what happened. But they didn’t seem mad. My head was spinning, trying to make sense of it.
“Oh Dahlia, he misses you so very, very much, I can promise you that. And I miss him. He’s just doing something very important. To keep us safe.” I frowned. I didn’t understand what he could be doing so far away, but mummy wouldn’t lie to me. She always told me the truth.
The next day in school, I told Lucy-Mae she had it wrong. I told her I didn’t like her saying my mummy wasn’t pretty because my mummy was the prettiest and my daddy was her prince, off fighting a battle for us all. Lucy-Mae said everyone knew fairy tales weren’t real. She stopped playing with me after that.
DAHLIA - PRESENT
The journey up to the rehab centre only takes a couple of hours, and before long, the taxi I grabbed outside the station is dropping me off at the front gates of the Devaney Centre. The centre is surrounded by tall fencing, but they’ve done their best to disguise it with trees and shrubbery to make it look nothing like the secure facility it is. My mum is here voluntarily, but I know other patients are not, so I give my name to the security guard and then sign in and leave my bag at reception. The receptionist gets a nurse to escort me to the garden at the back of the building, where I see my mum waiting for me with her arms open for a hug. As I practically run to her, the weight of everything we’ve both been through hits me. She pulls me into a tight hug, and for a few minutes, we just stand and hold each other. Eventually we step apart, and we both take each other in.
“God, I’ve missed you, my little Dahlia. You look beautiful. Sussex suits you.” If I’m not mistaken, there is a note of regret in her voice.
“I’ve missed you too Mum.” She’s put on weight, no longer feeling like a bag of bones, and for the first time in years, she has a bit of colour in her cheeks. I struggle to recall the last time she looked so healthy. “You look really well. Do you feel any better?” I ask her cautiously, daring to hope this might actually be the turning point for her.
“I’m getting there. It’s been really hard. I won’t lie. There have been times I wanted to check myself out and come down to Dee’s and bring you home. And there’s been times when I just wanted to find the nearest bar too. But seeing you now reminds me why I’m doing this.” She’s emotional, but I’m glad to see it’s not sadness. We head to a wooden bench overlooking the garden and sit down, side by side. “But enough about me. How are you? And how’s Dee?”
“She’s fine. You know what she’s like, never ending energy.” I don’t tell her about the odd phone calls Dee’s been having or the fact she’s been acting a little strange over the last few weeks as it will only worry her unnecessarily. I don’t think it’s really the time to tell her what’s been going on with me either.
