Page 36 of The Absence of You
“Wow, it’s like a little time capsule!” There’s a brush leaning against the other wall, and it dawns on me…he’s been in here recently. “You still come here?”
“I stopped for a while. Refused to even look inside for the first couple of years. Too many memories. But one night after a fight with my dad, I just needed somewhere to go, and I’d been drinking, so I didn’t want to drive. Before I realised what I was doing, I was back here. I fell asleep on the sofa, and when I woke up, I realised I was lucky I hadn’t choked on a spider in the night or been suffocated by the dust.” He grimaces. “I waited until Dee’s car wasn’t here a few days later, and snuck over and cleaned the place up a bit. Figured she wasn’t using it anymore and hoped she wouldn’t mind if I did. After that, if I needed to get away from my parents, I came here.”
“I’m surprised I haven’t seen you sneaking over here in the last couple of weeks.”
“Once I found out you were back, I started avoiding it again. If I’m honest, seeing you again reminded me of everything we’d lost, and being in here, knowing you were only metres away in the main house, just reinforced it.” He looks wistful, and I feel terrible. It wasn’t intentional, but I’d stolen his retreat from him, not once but twice. Before I can apologise, he turns away from me and opens the toy box. He rummages around before passing me a can of cider. It’s not been in the fridge, but it’s cold enough having been out here in the dark, cool summer house. I pull back the ring pull, careful to hold it away from the rug as it fizzes up a bit and drips down the side. I lick the sweet sticky liquid from my fingers. Grayson opens his and takes a long drink. I move to sit on the sofa. Its worn fabric and cushions are super comfortable after years and years of use. Grayson takes a seat next to me, and we both nurse our cans of cider, lost in our own thoughts for a moment. I’d been so focused on my own problems, I had spared little thought to how much worse his home life had gotten but seeing his mum today had been a sharp reminder.
“So, Melissa. She’s not changed much then?”
“She’s still a shit mum if that’s what you're asking me?” Grayson takes another long drink. “Treats me like a member of her fucking staff. I swear she has a better relationship with the cleaner than she does me. I heard her asking Sally how her dog’s appointment at the vet had gone yesterday. It must be ten years since she asked me about my day.”
Grayson looked mortified when his mum had walked in earlier, and I hated that he was embarrassed in front of me. As kids, we’d never hidden our problems from each other. For as long as I can remember, his mum lacked that caring gene. Grayson was aware my dad abandoned my mum before I was born. He also knew that we had no money and that my mum struggled, and now he knows how bad that struggle was. But that stuff, it never mattered before. Whether it was our age, or the distance between us, that made him believe I would judge him makes me all kinds of sad. I can relate to the feelings of shame. I get all of that. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t let myself get close to people at my old school. Why I certainly never had anyone back to my flat. But the fact that he felt embarrassed in front of me is gutting.
The only person I think badly of is his mum. I don’t understand that woman. How can she not care about her son? She’d never seen how amazing he was, never appreciated him. Melissa was never particularly motherly, even when we were little kids. She went through the motions, but she was standoffish and cold at the best of times. But as neglectful as his mother was, his dad was something else entirely.
“And your Dad? Is he…does he still…” I can’t find the words, but Grayson takes pity on me.
“He’s the same fucking prick he always was.” My heart sinks. I don’t know what I was expecting. I’d known his dad was a bastard, tyrannical and violent, so of course he wouldn’t have changed.
I don’t have the best benchmark to measure family life against, but surely parents should be encouraging their children to pursue their dreams, not putting them down at every opportunity. And it’s incomprehensible to imagine having a parent, someone who you trust more than anything, whose role in life is to protect you, be the one to hurt you. That is the sort of trauma that is impossible to heal from. Grayson was the sweetest child, and he’s grown up to be so talented. I’ve seen him in the pool, the way he cuts through the water with speed and strength and elegance. It is clear to anyone he has a gift and that he’s worked hard at perfecting it. But even if he wasn’t gifted, no one deserves that treatment at the hands of their parents.
Well, fuck them for not appreciating him. And for every hurt they’ve inflicted on him. I will do whatever it takes to make sure he knows his worth. Whatever is going on with him and Charlotte, and with his parents, I will never walk away from him again.
He and I will always have a connection that can’t be erased, but I have to hope I haven’t damaged our bond beyond repair. We need to clear the air if we have any hope of finding a way to move forwards. Before I can launch into my apology, he laughs to himself darkly. “Yeah, they’re both the same as when you left. The only person who has changed is me. I’m not the same person I was when you left Lia.”
I put my cider down on the table and turn towards him, not really sure what he’s trying to say. The sofa is small and our thighs are pressed up against each other and there’s no space between us.
“What do you mean?” I know he’s changed. Hell, who is the same at eighteen as they were at fourteen? But the way he said the words, so bitterly, as if the change in him is a bad thing.
“I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Just look at the way I’ve been with you the last few weeks. The old Grayson never would have treated you like shit. I didn’t even give you a chance to explain.” His shoulders drop.
“Grayson, I won’t lie. It hurt. The way you spoke to me when I first came back, the way you acted like I didn’t exist. But I understood why you did it and why you didn’t want to pick up where we left off. I should never have cut you off the way I did. I should have told you the truth back then.” God I’d do anything to go back and have a do over for the last few years.
“It’s not an excuse, but it was easier for me to not think about you and Dee while I wasn’t here. I had to do that so I could get up each morning and keep going for my mum. If I’d let myself think about you too much, allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, I would have fallen apart.” I take a deep breath.
“But it was selfish of me to just leave you in the dark over why I stayed away. We were best friends and best friends don’t do that. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t blame you for not wanting anything to do with me. I deserved every bit of your anger.”
“I understand, and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry too. I think we would both do things differently given the chance Lia.” I love hearing him use my old nickname. I never let anyone in my old school call me that. It was only ever for him. The fact he’s using it again, must mean something, right? Before I get my hopes up too much, there’s something else I need to talk to him about.
“Can I ask you about Charlotte?”
He takes my hand and weaves his fingers between mine, studying them rather than meeting my gaze. “She’s my ex. We were together on and off for a few years, but we broke up a few months ago, before summer.”
I want to believe him, but I’ve seen them together since I moved back here, so it doesn’t make sense. I have never done the whole friends with benefits thing but maybe that’s what they’re doing now.
“You’re just together casually now, then? At her party…and in school, you seem like you’re together together?” Before he can answer, I realise he shouldn’t have to explain this to me. “I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. You don’t have to tell me anything.”
“It’s fine. I want to tell you. Our parents are business partners. We became close when our families started spending more time together. But it’s over. We just haven’t told our families yet. It’s complicated. But you have my word that her and I, we are absolutely, one hundred percent, done.” He stares me straight in the eye. “I wasn’t cheating on her when we kissed, if that’s what you were thinking?”
The relief of hearing those words is massive. The guilt had been gnawing away at me. He feels like mine. He has always felt like mine. But, in reality, he was in a long relationship with her, so if anyone has the right to feel possessive, it isn’t me. But hearing they’re over? It’s like I can breathe properly again.
“Do you think we can go back the way things were? Or maybe not exactly the way things were. How about we start over, clean slate?” I wait, not daring to hope he might say yes.
“I don’t want to start again Lia. Our history is important to me. I want to find our way back there. To find what we lost.” Even with just the amber glow from the camping lantern, I can see the emotion in Grayson’s eyes.
“Really?” I have to bite my lip to stop the grin that’s trying to overtake my face right now.
“Yes, really.” He nudges my shoulder with his and the side of his mouth starts to tip up, the hint of his own smile starting and all I can see in front of me is my old best friend. The boy next door who could always find a way to make me laugh, whose eyes sparkled with mischief. The same boy who shared my dreams of a future where we could be anybody we wanted to be. He pulls me into a hug. A hug that feels like home.
