Page 94 of The Secret
“That’s what I’ve been going over in my head, but it’s all doable. Any problem is solvable, ultimately. She could spend some time here, or she could stay there with Jed. It could be a wonderful experience for her, a mix of culture and places—there’s nothing wrong with moving around. Jed says he’ll look after the farm. All he wants me to do is the legal stuff. He doesn’t hate the farm like I do, and we could get more help.”
A long, controlled explosion detonates inside. I’ve spent my whole life battling an idealized version of what my father dictated my life should be. To have someone come along and admire the crazy lifeI’vechosen is so at odds with my family’s views I almost can’t make sense of it. I press my hand to my chest:I love my life. I do.I love doing both things. Teaching here, helping out there. All this time I’ve been trying to prove my dad wrong, I’ve been creating the life I want.
My voice catches in my throat. “I … I can come out to the farm. I can do good in South Africa. Plenty of problems to sort out there, right? The country doesn’t matter.”
He nods. “I want you to do what motivates you, Liss. I don’t want you to compromise because of me.”
I frown. “You’re compromising for me.”
He shakes his head. “Not really. I’ve been treading water for three years, Liss. I can’t stay on the farm. I don’t know where I’m headed, but I’m hoping with you I can discover myself again, find something that uses what I can do. I loved the research I did into rural communities affected by conflict and poverty: I loved living in Harare. That was what I wanted my life to look like three years ago. I’ve still got to sort out my father’s estate, but I need to move on. I want to do that with you.”
I close my eyes for a beat and open them again as I lean in and kiss his perfect mouth, trying to put all of the electricity that’s coursing through me into one small kiss.
“I never thought I’d find this,” I say softly, against his lips.
His mouth follows mine. “Find what?”
“Someone who let me be me. Someone who thinks I have a good life, who would want what I want. I can’t quite believe …”
“Believe it,” he growls. He pulls me up and over his knee, parting my robe and looking down at my breasts and sleep shorts. “Fuck, Liss, I can’t sit and talk about important life decisions when you’re half-naked under this thing.” His fist tightens on the fabric.
I laugh and slide forward, resting my sex against where he’s hard, grinding down a little as he lets out a groan. I press my hand over his lips, giggling. “Shhh.”
He licks my fingers. “I want to be so loud we wake up that asshole you’re sharing with.”
I clamp my hand over his mouth, eyes going wide. “Dan. Shut up. He’s a nice guy.”
His lips cover mine, and I’m not sure about the abrupt end to such an important conversation, but what more is there to say? He squeezes my hip before invading my sleep shorts and pulling my hips right into him. His whole body is tight, muscles bulging, erection pressing hard and insistently between my thighs. An answering ache spreads up the center of my body.
His hands dig in, and he rises from the sofa.How can he lift my weight like that?My legs wrap around his waist, and I wind my fingers through the softness of his hair. I lean in and kiss his eyelids as his eyes flutter closed, the blond of his lashes faint against his tanned cheeks as he carries me down the corridor to my bedroom. As we tumble onto the bed, his lips trail messily down my chin and across my collarbone as he scrabbles at the elastic waistband of my shorts.
“I’m sorry I’m so insatiable,” he mumbles into my breast before following the shorts down my body with his mouth, kissing my stomach and down, down, down. He groans loudly, pushing them off my feet and parting my folds, his hot breath and the wetness of his mouth sliding all over me. And Christ-alive, he’s wild. Using the pads of his fingers and slipping haphazardly, alternating with his tongue, nibbling down my thighs. He’s as messy between my legs as he was over my face, and it’s a sign of how overwhelming this whole thing is. The idea we might be together somehow, that we’re both going to change our lives to make it happen. We’ve talked about it before, of course, but never has it felt like such a reality. My throat is tight with the impossibility of it, that after everything I might have found something good,my one good guy.
I widen my legs, giving him more space as his fingers press more insistently, sliding down through my slick wetness to my entrance, wandering all over the soft skin as I tighten up and shake. He twists his hand and slides a finger inside, hooking it around and pushing, making me arch, muscles clamping down, but it’s nowhere near enough.
“I want you in me,” I choke out, but he ignores me.
“Oh my God, Liss, you’re so wet still. How is that …?” The rest of his words disappear in his mouth on my clit, his thumb rubbing as he licks over everything. Tingles radiate out across my stomach, my breath gusting short and sharp. His hips shift against the bedcovers, and how turned on he is is clear from his shaking, uncoordinated wildness.
“Come up here,” I gasp.
I only know he shakes his head because my fingers are still lodged in his hair. My calves cramp up and I move, trying to stretch, to get wider somehow, as I push myself into his mouth, down onto his fingers.
“If you don’t stop, I’m going to come, and I want to come with you inside me,” I choke out.
He groans, rising and kissing up my body, breathless and sweaty, chest heaving when he reaches me. I wind my legs around his hips, and sneak my hand down fumbling to get a purchase on his cock and get him where I want him. He shifts forward into the wet at my entrance with a loud groan as his eyes close. I study the long silk of his lashes, the small mole on his forehead, where the crow’s feet around his eyes are white from screwing his face up against the sun. The stretch as he pushes, filling me, moving in an inch at a time, is unreal. He stills for a beat, mouth against mine, a smirk playing over his lips. I raise my hand to rub my thumb over the hair on his chin, and his eyes open as he nibbles my finger. I’m not sure if he sees something on my face.
“You okay?” he murmurs.
I nod, smiling. “More than okay.”
I move my hips, and he holds me down with his hand, tilting his pelvis, so slow he’s hardly moving. But I can feel the pressure of it. So different from the frenzy of earlier, controlling all my movements as well as his. I try and wiggle, but his hand clamps harder. There’s something so hot about the way he pins me down, every time. He’s not using me to get off; he just knows exactly what will make me burn bright, and he’s got better and better at it.He pays so much attention.And the thought brings tears to my eyes as he stills, watching my face.
“Liss,” he groans. “You’re …”
He starts to pull out.Fuck no.My hand shoots out to grab his tight backside, and the muscles are so amazing I dig my fingers right in. He takes in a shaky breath as he stops moving—cock half in, half out.
“Don’t stop, don’t you dare stop.”
