Page 57 of The Secret
“I’m amazed to be honest.” My stomach churns. I spent months going over and over our conversations for any hints he might have dropped, ruminating on how little he told me and why that might be. In my worst moments, I think I was a six-month fling, and he was a consummate liar. At other times, I remember when he came to the US, the things he said to me. Most of the time I can’t bear the torture of not knowing, but this conversation is just underlining all he hid from me.
Brian puts his hand on my arm.
“It’s probably not my place to say this, but there was always something not quite right with Dan. He avoided questions. I always thought he had secrets.”
I nod. Yeah, he did, and I was too besotted to care. There were things I didn’t share either. I didn’t tell him about my history of disastrous relationships with men. And I never thought his secrets might be big ones, things you’d disappear over; more like awkward conversations-at-a-later-date kind of revelations. Afterward, I wanted to kick myself, but when it’s good and you’re infatuated, you don’t rock the boat.
“I’m so sorry, Liss.”
“I’ve spent a lot of time wondering whether something happened to him, but how would I find out?”
“You clearly tried hard to find him, Liss. Either something happened to him, or he didn’t want to be found.”
Those are the only two logical scenarios, and neither one makes me comfortable.This is why I moved on.Stop thinking about it.I run an exasperated hand through my hair. This trip is going to bring it all back, and I need to face it and move on.
I give Brian a grateful half smile and he nods. “I’m so pleased to have you back, Liss. It’s great to see you again.” He pats my forearm. “Why don’t you tell me more about the project you’re doing, and let’s work out if we can do some things together.”
He’s moving the conversation on, thank God. I got myself out of the hole I fell into after I lost Dan, and I’m not going to fall back down.
27
LISS
Tuesday, February 22, 2022
How could I have forgotten the frustration of trying to do anything in this country? A laugh bubbles up my throat.You’re only a month into this,you Westerner.
I wipe the sweat off my forehead as I glance around my makeshift office in the backroom of the local pizza delivery place, fans whirring away ineffectually. Brian’s given me so much information about how his teams deliver aid, introduced me to his contacts and explained how to get things done. I’ve sneakily got to know a few of the militia guys, and with packets of cigarettes or chocolates, I can usually find out the location of skirmishes between rival factions. How do you understand anything if you don’t talk to people? Brian gives me earache about my safety all the time and has persuaded me to stay living in the hotel. He thinks it’s keeping me safe; I think it’s cheap and clean.Whatever. What I find out is gold dust for both of us.
Locals are eager to earn much sought-after US dollars. A guy I met in the bar one night is a genius with software and has developed an interactive map with statistics on camps and displacement. Lots of local agencies are using it now, and we’ve had an initial meeting to help people add their own data.Keep reminding yourself of the good things. My focus shifts back to the voice of Akai, our contractor, on the other end of the phone telling me why the shipment of tents and materials we’ve been expecting for days is stuck at the border.
“But, Akai, can’t we offer some money to make things move faster?”
I’m not supposed to give bribes, but everything happens this way. Akai starts detailing who’s been offered money and why, and I tap my pen on the table with a sigh. When I glance up, James, who works in Brian’s office, is standing smiling in the open doorway. I wave him in, and he grins, slipping into the chair opposite, dark curls flopping over his forehead. James is a sweetheart, and he obviously likes me, but he’s shy and after Dan and Stéphane cheating on his wife, I want a relationship with a guy like I want a hole in my head. He raises his eyebrows at me, and I put Akai on speaker. Then James grabs a pen and a piece of paper from my desk and writes:There’s a strike in South Africa. They’ve closed the northern borders.
I widen my eyes at him. Our main suppliers are in South Africa. It’s one of the largest food producers on the continent. And the government was overthrown there recently, and there’s obviously still a lot of political wrangling going on. No wonder we’ve got problems. I scratch the back of my neck.South Africa.The desire to go and search for Dan rises up like a drumbeat, and I squash it back down.Don’t be stupid, Liss. He’s not there. Thank God I haven’t had enough days off to putthatmad plan into action. Brian wasn’t even sure, and how would you find him, you crazy bitch?
“Akai, I’ve got James here who works with Brian from FoodAid. I’ve put you on speaker so he can join our call. He’s told me there’s a strike in South Africa.”
“I did see some chatter online,” Akai groans on the other end of the line.
I listen as James fills him in on what they know about routes and the companies involved.
“I’ll see what I can find out down here,” Akai sighs. “Leave it with me.”
Akai has a multitude of contacts with the drivers and the haulage companies; he’ll try and work all the angles. He’s committed as I am to getting resources up here for local people.
“Great,” I say. “Call me back.”
“You got it, chief,” he says, hanging up.
I grin at James. “Thanks for that. At least it explains some of the problems we’ve been having.”
He smiles as he avoids my eyes. “I thought I’d come and tell you as soon as I found out.” His eyes flick to mine and away again. “They’ve closed the borders because of the unrest and looting. We think we’re going to lose thousands of dollars’ worth of perishable goods that are stuck on the border with Uganda.”
I groan at him—that’s so much worse than my problem.
“The transportation bosses and food producers have organized a meeting on Friday in Johannesburg to discuss the strike. Brian and I thought someone should go down and find out what’s going on and how long it might last. We’ve got to decide whether to source our produce from elsewhere. I came to see if you could go. Brian is in the Nkamira camp in Rwanda at the moment, and I’ve got to go to Kirumba to sort out a distribution of what little food we’ve got.” He glances at his wrist. “Imminently actually.” He grimaces.
