He shrugged and I felt my heart lunge into my throat. I shifted to face him, wanting to hash this out now, before we got to the club.
“Are you serious, Brax? ’Cause I’d just as soon forget the whole thing if it means we’re gonna have issues.”
He came to a stop at a red light. “I honestly don’t know. There’s no way to tell how things’ll turn out.” Brax sighed. “But this is what we wanted, right? To experiment? To see what it’ll take to assuage these urges. You know I can’t hit you. That’s not who I am. And I know you can’t, either. It’s … Zeke seems like the perfect opportunity to explore this further.”
He didn’t have to say because he was temporary. That was implied.
Brax was right, but we’d known that from the beginning. Ever since we agreed to pursue our masochistic sides while still engaging in a permanent relationship, I’d wondered how we could sustain both.
I sighed and flopped back against the seat. “This is so fucked up. Why do we have to be so fucked up?”
Brax laughed. “Because that’s the nature of the beast. We want what we want. We’ve been up-front about that all along.”
Yes, I had known it since the beginning. I wasn’t sure it had always been the case for Brax. He wasn’t even in the lifestyle when I met him. I was the one who introduced him to kink clubs and BDSM. Things progressed from there. We were friends in the beginning and that developed into a sexual relationship, which then turned into something more until I found myself in love with the guy. I didn’t think about how it came about, but I damn sure couldn’t not think about it falling apart.
What if he figured out he didn’t need the same things I did? I mean, I knew he was into rough sex, enjoyed humiliation. I’d seen him flogged a few times, and from the outside looking in, he appeared to enjoy it. But what if he was doing it all for me?
I glanced over at him and studied his profile.
He must’ve felt me looking, because his eyes cut to mine before returning to the road. “What?”
“I love you.” I needed him to know that.
He squeezed my hand. “I love you, too. With everything that I am.”
Those words triggered the memory of our conversation with Zeke in his office. When the big man had been questioning Brax. He’d said something similar then.
“And you, cowboy? What in the ever-loving fuck would you want from me?”
“Whatever you’re willing to give me, Zeke.”
“No matter how filthy? How disgusting? Because, little boy, my mind knows no bounds. My fantasies scare the devil himself.”
“I would give you everything that I am, Zeke.”
I’d never been prone to self-doubts or irrational fears. I moved through life believing that I was exactly where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there. However, as I looked at the man who owned my heart and I thought about the man who could own my body, I had to wonder if I would find myself in over my head. What if Brax and I weren’t strong enough to survive this?
Was I willing to risk it because, no matter how much I loved Brax, I still didn’t feel complete? While I could repress the darker side of myself, would I end up regretting that in the long run? And what about Brax? What if I found what I needed in Zeke and it changed me? Would he be able to handle me then? Would he even want me then?
As we pulled into Dichotomy’s parking garage, acid began churning in my gut.
I was no longer sure this was the right thing and that scared me more than the thought of Zeke Lautner beating on me.
SEVEN
ZEKE
WHEN I ARRIVED AT DICHOTOMY a little before nine, I found Ransom and Greg already there. They were sitting in the third-floor Masters’ lounge, feet propped up, television on but muted.
“What’re you here so early for?” Greg asked. “Not used to you showing up until the hard-core set arrives.”
I sighed as I dropped onto the sofa across from the two men. “Had to take care of a few errands. Didn’t want to go back home.”
“Yeah?” Ransom chuckled. “Like paying a visit to a couple of clubs?”
“How’d you hear?”
“Can’t reveal all my secrets,” he said with a grin. “But let’s just say you make quite the impression on people.”
“What’s going on?” Greg asked, his eyes darting back and forth between me and Ransom. “What clubs?”
I figured I might as well get it off my chest. “My sister decided she wants to visit a kink club. She asked about here and I told her no. Then she told me she would just go somewhere else. I had to ensure no one would let her in the door.”
