It wasn’t until we stepped inside the apartment that all thoughts of that conversation fled and I was once again filled with that absurd feeling of being trapped inside a box. I’d felt it last week when we came to look at the apartment, but I had shrugged it off. Mostly. It was now back with a vengeance, making it difficult to breathe. The walls felt as though they were closing in, pushing all the air out.
Which was strange when I thought about it. I didn’t have an issue with restraints of any kind. Chains, cuffs, suspension, stockade. In the clubs, I’d done it all and not once had I ever panicked, nor had I ever felt too restricted, confined. I’d go so far as to say the restraints heightened the sensation for me. The fear they instilled was welcome.
This—being inside a box within a box high up in the sky—made me desperate for air, as though my lungs couldn’t fill fast enough. I couldn’t stand to see so many walls and not nearly enough windows, no doors to the outside, no way to break free if necessary.
Back in Dallas, Brax and I had lived in a house. Nothing fancy. Three bedrooms, one bathroom, postage-stamp-sized yard. But when I stepped out the door, I was instantly greeted with fresh air. Here, I ended up in a hallway that led to an elevator, a maze I had to overcome before I ever broke free.
I wasn’t sure I could go through with this.
“Hey.” Brax’s concerned tone had me turning to face him as I dumped my bag on the kitchen counter. “You okay?”
“Nope,” I admitted. “Not even a little bit.”
He must’ve realized I was serious, because the next thing I knew, Brax was up in my face, his big, warm hands curled around my neck, gently kneading the muscles there. He was frowning, his warm gaze scanning every inch as though the answer might possibly be written somewhere on my face.
“Case. Look at me,” he insisted. “Take a deep breath.”
I tried, but I couldn’t focus. My lungs were racing to fill, but nothing seemed to be coming in. My hands were numb and my body felt heavy. Too heavy. My gaze darted to the bedroom door behind him and more trepidation filled me.
“Breathe, babe,” Brax stated firmly. “You’re gonna be fine.”
I shook my head, gripping his shirt in my hand. “I’m not.” I was fucking gasping for air, and though I knew it was ridiculous, I couldn’t seem to stop.
“You are.” He didn’t sound convinced. “I promise. Just breathe. Slowly.”
“I…” I swallowed hard, the air somehow suffocating even as it moved through my lungs. “I need to go outside.”
“All right,” he said quickly, taking my hand. “Let’s go outside. We’ll take a walk.”
I nodded and allowed him to lead me out of the apartment. He locked the door, then steered me to the elevator. Minutes felt like days but then we were finally outside. I stumbled over to a rock wall and perched my ass on the edge. I inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly. People passing by glanced my way, a few seemingly concerned although no one stopped. Damn big city.
My hands were shaking, but at least the air didn’t seem so scarce out here. It wasn’t much better, but it wasn’t worse, either. I hated the concrete jungle that was the city. I wanted to see grass and trees, not parking meters and storefronts on every side of the road. Car emissions made me feel as though I was choking.
Brax stood beside me, his warm hand on my back. I could tell he wanted to do something but he likely didn’t know what. Hell, I didn’t know, either.
Cars passed, horns blaring, people shouting. There was so much traffic, so many people. Why had we thought this was a good idea? I would’ve given anything to go back to Texas, to drive down a winding country road, the windows rolled down, wind in my face. Here I had to settle for a chilly breeze that smelled like gasoline and concrete and did nothing to cool me down.
“Let’s take a walk,” Brax said as he motioned me toward the sidewalk.
“Yeah. Okay.” I pushed to my feet and straightened my spine. I took a few steps, then a few more, allowing Brax to steer me where he wanted me to go.
“There’s a coffee shop around the corner,” he told me, glancing at his watch. “We’ve got half an hour before we have to meet Zeke at the restaurant. We can get some coffee and relax for a few minutes.”
I didn’t drink coffee but Brax knew that. He drank it, though. By the gallons. I liked to give him shit about it because I could. It was one of his few vices.
We turned the corner and I inhaled deeply, finally feeling the sun shining down on me, warming the air as it peeked through the horde of buildings and the thick, gloomy clouds. I wasn’t watching where I was going, making sure my feet were moving, trusting Brax to lead me safely, so I came up short when I slammed into his back.
