Page 146 of Studs Up
“Okay, Officer Asshole.”
…
I didn’t sleep. Worry, fear, and prayer kept me pacing. I wasn’t going to throw the game. I was going to make him fucking work for it. If we could strike the right balance, I wouldn’t have to spend ninety minutes worried about him.
Everyone had dressed up in their fanciest, most fashion forward outfits. I was wearing sweats and a team sweater. I got my picture taken as I strolled in next to Marcel, who had some ripped jeans that cost more than most people's monthly rent, and a jean jacket that was ripped with patches of some shit I didn’t care about.
When the Rover bus arrived, I hung back and watched like a creepy ex who couldn’t let go. That led me to the realization that I was the fucking creepy ex that couldn’t let go. Fuck.
Holden got off and looked irritated, tired, and pale. Alex looked equally irritated, tired, and pale, but I didn’t give many fucks on that one.
I was mad. I was furious. He thought he had to do this alone, and we were going to talk about that.
I turned away. It was time to get this shit show over with.
Holden
I didn’t see him until warm ups. He didn’t look at me. He didn’t glance at me. He pretended as though I never existed to him in the first place. It wasn’t supposed to hurt, but it did, like a flaming blade through my chest.
What I had done was awful and cruel. The only thing that made it worth it was he could go on, have his career, never speak of us, and have the life he deserved. He had done so much for me, and I had to cut him out of my soul, but bits and pieces of him remained, stabbing and stinging.
Fans were gathering in the stadium, and I tuned them out. I wanted this day to be over. I didn’t even care about the trophy anymore. Having to see him so soon was excruciating.
There hadn’t been time to properly prepare myself to see him again. And even though his dismissal of me was expected, it hurt like talons slowly dragging through my body.
“Hey,” Alex called. “I’m over here.” He was frowning at me. I had passed the ball to him, and I could have sworn I aimed correctly, but the ball sailed several feet to his left.
Warm ups deteriorated from there. The stadium was filling up with fans, and the grey skies opened up with a light rain. Just a little Seattle sunshine to really round out my misery.
“Holden!” Alex growled again. I hit the ball too hard, and it blew past him.
Alex jogged up to me.
“I get this is hard as fuck, but pull your head out of your ass.”
The stakes were high, but this was more anger from him than was necessary.
“I am trying to keep myself together here,” I said.
“Focus on the game,” he said.
“I am,” I hissed. I was starting to get angry. He had been chipping at me all night. He felt the need to follow me into the gym. It hadn’t been like with Nolan, where it was peaceful and comforting. Alex’s anger and tension had pecked at me, ripping away parts of me with each jab and comment. All I was trying to do was get through the next two hours and get home.
But there was no home anymore. Home didn’t exist. It went up in flames. Where would I go after this? I wasn’t going back to Alex’s. A hotel, probably until I could figure out what to do.
“You’re not,” he growled. “You’re in your fucking head, and we need you out here to do your fucking job.”
Now I was really angry. Really fucking angry. This was the peak of everything. The last thing I needed was for Alex to lose his shit on me.
“And don’t even start with me,” he said, watching me turn a vibrant shade of red. “You’ve been a shit friend.” And then he walked away, leaving me so hot with fury, that steam rippled off my skin.
“Fuck.” I spun around, and at the other end of the field, Nolan looked entirely at ease as he ran drills with Marcel and Quinn Taylor.
Coach made a good speech about getting out there and winning. At least, I assumed he did. I wasn’t listening. This was the first time in my career that the game didn’t matter. I didn’t even want to play. It might have been different if Colorado had been our opponent and Nolan had been thousands of miles away.
But I wasn’t.
“You gonna be able to do this?” Alex asked in my ear as we filed down the tunnel.
