Page 140 of Studs Up
A horn honked angrily behind me just as a green light turned yellow. I buzzed through the intersection, leaving the offended driver on red.
There was one stop I needed to make before I placed a call, and everything hinged on him picking up.
Holden
A few hours after Alex dropped me off, he picked me back up and took me back to the stadium for the press conference. There were a lot of people in the little room with big cameras and phones set up. I couldn’t breathe as I sat through the conference, and even though it only took a few minutes, it felt like years sitting there staring into the eyes of my nightmares.
I didn’t stay. I wanted to go back to Alex’s apartment and be left alone forever. But there was one thing I had to do.
“I need you to do something for me,” I said. The press conference drained me of everything. My will to get to the car was weak at best, and I would have been just fine to collapse into the parking lot and slip into a coma.
“Yeah, sure,” he said. “Anything.”
“I need you to take me home.”
He parked on the street, and I stared from my seat at the garden I had perfectly curated for years. Fall had struck just right, and the orange and red leaves were bright and cheerful. It didn’t look like my home anymore, even though nothing had changed.
“I can’t go inside,” I said quietly.
“Why not?” He frowned.
“I just can’t. I need you to go inside and get some things for me.”
Alex returned with my carry on and a folded piece of paper a few minutes later.
“Did you read it?” I asked when he got in the car.
“No,” he shook his head and handed me the list. I couldn’t open it. I couldn’t read his words or see his handwriting. But I couldn’t leave it either. I closed my eyes and pressed it to my chest. The faint scent of jasmine hovered over the paper, and I couldn’t stop the tears. They fell in long, steady streams.
“Let’s go,” I said. My eyes were still closed, and my voice quivered. Alex backed out of my driveway. I would never come back here.
“Did you talk to Nolan? What did he say?”
I opened my eyes as he got on the freeway back to his apartment.
“I broke it off with him,” I said. Everything was still blurry. All the buildings and people fuzzed around the edges, and it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended.
“You did what?” Alex was more taken aback than I expected.
“You hate him, should be good news for you.”
“Yeah, I do, but you love him, and I know he loves you. He should be here with you.” He would be if I let him.
I didn’t want to do this. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to play, face the team, or do anything involving anyone. I had lost everything.
“That’s exactly why I ended it. I am not dragging anyone else into my bullshit.”
“I know you haven’t done a lot of serious relationships before, but that’s kinda how it works.” Alex had no idea the hurt he caused. How those words were a serrated knife in my dying heart. I wanted Nolan to be here. I wanted to fall into his fortress and never leave.
We made it to the apartment, and I went straight for the bathroom. I needed to be alone, and I didn’t know if I was going to throw up again or not.
I couldn’t bear to have eyes on me for another second. I closed the door and dropped to the toilet, and my phone buzzed.
Good boy.
I slid off the porcelain to the floor and screamed until I was horse.
…
