Page 122 of Studs Up
“Okay,” I said again.
He took a moment, assessing whether or not he wanted to do this. He decided he did and said something I never thought I’d hear.
“I want to come out first,” he said.
“No.” My reaction was instant.
“Holden,” he exhaled. “Think about it-”
“Absolutely not.” My heart started to palpitate. “Why on earth would you think that’s a good idea?”
“It would soften the blow,” he said carefully. My reaction upset him, but his idea was gut wrenching.
“Soften what blow?” I crossed my arms.
“This is going to come out. One way or another, we won’t be able to keep this secret.” He took a controlled breath. “If I came out first, it would take the heat off of you.”
“If you did that, it would kill your career!” I was nearly shouting.
“I don’t care,” he snapped back. I think we were having our first fight. I wish it was something cute like normal couples, something we’d laugh about later. We wouldn’t be laughing about this later.
“I don’t care what people think of me. It’s none of their fucking business who I love and spend my time with off the field. I can take the hit.”
The whoosh of blood in my ears was so loud I could barely hear him.
“You can’t come out to protect me,” I said. “That’s not how it works. You come out when you feel ready and safe. Not because your boyfriend is a fucking coward.”
“You are not a coward,” he said. He ran his hand over his face. “Look, if this was just about you and me and no blackmail. I wouldn’t care. I would stay in the closet forever if that was what you wanted. I would keep this secret and take it to my grave. I would do whatever you wanted. But that’s not where we are. The choice is being taken away from you.”
I didn’t need him to remind me of my problems. But it hurt more hearing the sacrifices he would make to protect me. How unfair it was and how he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve me.
“This will get out,” he said. “We have the choice at the moment to control it.”
“No,” I shook my head. “No.”
“Please think about it,” he sounded like he was so close to begging.
My eyes burned with furious tears and my chest hurt from the vicious pounding of my heart. I backed away from him. This would have to end. At some point, it would be over, and he couldn’t sacrifice his career for me only to be dumped by me because I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face the eyes of the world, their judgment, and lose my career.
“Holden,” he took a step, but I kept backing up.
“No, Nolan,” I said.
“We’re just talking here,” he softened and held a hand out. How could I do this to him? How could I let him fall in love with me and lead him down this path, knowing what I would have to do?
“I’m sorry.” I turned and walked away off the porch and into the woods. I ran. I ran the trails and I ran as fast as I could.
I ran until I was so deep in the woods, the sun was blocked out. I let out the sob I had been holding in my chest. I couldn’t believe I had done this to him. I couldn’t believe how deeply I fell in love with him and how devoted he was to me. I didn’t deserve it.
I cried until I was shivering from the cold and was forced to return to the cabin. Nolan didn’t say a word to me when he handed me a bowl of hot soup, kissed my forehead and left me alone.
We had been here one day, and I already fucking ruined it.
Nolan
I woke alone and found his side of the bed empty. The sun had yet to come up, but a fresh layer of snow glowed under the full moon.
It was freezing, and I grabbed the comforter and went to find him.
