Page 27 of Cuts like a Knife
Anyway, Great Exuma became famous awhile back because it was the planned location for the fraudulent Fyre Festival of 2017. What a mess. But I guess that didn’t hurt tourism all that much, because from everything I’d seen online, it was still a pretty sought-after destination. And according to the packet about the show, the resort where we’ll be staying and the show will be filming has been recently renovated and is keen to use this opportunity to show off its amenities.
All the info from Solis — the hotelier — reeks of a naked rebranding, but whatever. It works for me.
The beaches on Great Exuma look incredible. Crystal clear turquoise water, white sand. And there are pigs! Apparently wild pigs are a thing in the Exumas. They look adorable. Probably some sort of tourist scam, and it’s unlikely I’ll have time to see them, so I don’t suppose it matters, but it’s sort of fun.
Here’s where I admit, I’ve never actually watched a full episode of Hot Slice. I’ll be fine, but I’d hoped to talk to Bex a bit about it, because I think she’s watched it, but weirdly, she didn’t come home Friday night and wasn’t around at all on Saturday.
When I told her I was ready to leave the family party, she said she had something to do and then never turned up back at the apartment, which is definitely interesting. And annoying. I’d also wanted her to help me pack.
She must be hooking up with someone, but who? There wasn’t a single eligible dude at Claire’s shower thing unless you count the random crew guys83. Maybe she hooked up with one of them?
That feels super out of character for her, I’ve gotta admit. She’s really not much for random hookups. In fact, I can barely remember her dating anyone84. Ever. Hmm.
I make a note to ask her about it soon. When I’m back. In the meantime, I need to think about this week and work and saving my butt from unemployment.
It’s more than a little weird that Callum wanted me to join him on this trip at all. He usually hoards all manner of freebies and perks for himself. Like, he takes home everything from promotional products (books, skin care, shampoos, everything85) and if an assignment is easy or if it means a free trip, concert, or show of almost any kind, he’s all over it. He leaves the crap work — the How They Met columns, the city council meetings, all that jazz, to Dani and me.
So the fact that he requested I be brought on this trip is … well, suspicious86.
At the same time, I’m not here looking this gift horse in the mouth. It’s a free trip to the Bahamas. And it’s a chance for me to show how invaluable I am as a worker.
Content. Lars wants content. So content he shall have.
Hot Slice isn’t really in my wheelhouse, but that’s okay. I can fake it, even without Bex’s help. The basics are that it’s a reality show (what isn’t these days?) — a combination cooking and dating competition with D-list celebrity competitors. It’s seriously trashy (not that I will be letting on that I think so) and also super popular. Like, it’s become something of a juggernaut, bigger than Dancing With The Stars and The Bachelor combined87.
Lars reiterated to me in a clipped email that arrived last night that wanted a lot of stories
His emails, like his margin notes, are always very intense, always pretty rude. He peppers them with insane bits of all-caps shouting88.
The email (that arrived after midnight, by the way — super non-toxic and normal work culture to be emailing instructions to employees in the middle of the night on a weekend, but I digress) went like this:
From: [email protected]
Subject: I EXPECT A LOT OF CONTENT! A LOT!
Don’t dick around on the island. You need to work FAST. I want a LOT of CONTENT — a LOT. This trip ain’t CHEAP and I just SPENT extra $$$ on your ticket so don’t f— this up. Five stories a day, min. Send directly to me, as you go. NOT kidding. make it WORTH my while.
—L
Sent from the Desk of
Lars Landon, Publisher and Grand Poobah, Citidaze Magazine89
Compared to the margin notes he writes on my pieces (in red pen, no less), the email from last night is nice, not to mention coherent (if imperfect). A lot of his margin notes will just say things like “yuck!” and “hate this!” Or he’ll draw a mad face. Nothing else. No constructive criticism, ever. No suggestions. No explanations about what I ostensibly did wrong or what I am expected to do to make it right90.
Here I will point out that like me, Lars never went to J-School. He doesn’t even have a humanities degree, as far as I know. But he knows what he likes, I guess91.
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.
Grateful to have it!
Anyway, from his deranged message, I understood that I would need to produce a lot of pieces to keep him happy. What would that even mean in this case? Clearly, we’ll be able to talk to and mingle with the “stars.” And the hotel itself is probably worth writing about. I need to prep some ideas.
Observational stuff is probably my best-bet for original content, but I can tart up info from all the press releases to get stories too. And once I get an in-person look at some of the so-called stars, I can decide who to pursue for longer features, but what else? Lars has been making noise about wanting more video and web content lately. We are still pretty strictly a print publication — super stuck in the past — but I guess he’s finally coming around on the need for more contemporary content. Maybe I could film some stuff on my cell? Get a few videos out of the deal. That might impress him.
Once I was packed and sorted, I resolved to take the flight to do some real research and to come up with a list of more firm ideas92. I woke up bright and early on Sunday, determined to be on time, and was all packed and put together with one foot out the door and and car waiting downstairs when I got a call from Callum saying he’d forgotten his passport.
