Page 17 of Cuts like a Knife
“I can’t believe you haven’t outgrown him,” I said.
“Ah, he’s okay really,” Gray had replied. Then, seeing my face, he’d gone on. “Drew puts on a show sometimes, but you know that’s not who he really is.”
I’d just shrugged because whatever — I was certainly not about to tell any of my siblings who they should or shouldn’t be friends with — but a part of me wondered, even then. If you’re putting on a show a majority of the time, at what point does it stop being a show? Like , at what point is how you act part and parcel of who you really are? If someone can be condescending, if they act like they’re above ethical considerations, if they are infuriating, annoying, full of themselves, etc., where is the cut off between that behavior and who they supposedly really are? I’d argue that if you’re acting one way most of the time, it stops being acting. It’s just … you45.
I’m also a total hippocrite. I mean, look at me. Look at my job. My job I’m desperate to keep. I’m no better than Drew. Not anymore. But once upon a time, I was.
Anyway!
Drew Fox is not for me and that’s final. I’ll use him for the ego boost, but that’s it.
I turn back to my computer, determined to actually do some real work today. I need to step things up.
Only … even with the threat of the email looming, I can’t really focus. My entire mind is filled with the memory of the barn. The dust. motes in the air. His smooth, muscled chest, his dark hair, the way his fingers played lightly over my skin, giving me the shivers until I was practically begging him to …
No.
That’s enough.
No more of that.
Sigh. Drew is sexy as hell. I’ll admit that. But at best, my thing with him is a friends-with-benefits situation. Nothing more. Never has been anything more. Never will be anything more.
He’s been making things harder lately. He’s been so … nice. It’s unsettling. Usually, all we do is argue, but over the last few months, he’s been different. When he suggested he wanted to be in a real relationship, I almost choked. It’s such an out-there idea. Really not what I expected from him. I’d assume it was some sort of trick, except that’s not Drew’s style. No, he meant it. I just … why? It’s weird.
I shoot off a text to Bex — my bestie, my twin. Bex is someone I know I can count on. Always and forever. She’ll know what to do. She’ll help me46.
Lex: SOS. Drew is texting me suggestive things about tonight. Which I completely forgot about.
Lex: Forgot he was going to be there, I mean. Need your help.
Bex: Encouragement or discouragement?
Lex: Total discouragement! This can’t happen again. Seriously. I need a new FB. Whatever you do, do not let me go to the barn tonight. Please. Be my strength.
Bex: Okay.
Bex: But …
Lex: No buts!
Bex: Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sure? I mean, at this point, would you guys being officially together be the worst thing?
Lex: Yes. It would. For a million reasons.
Bex: Name twenty-five thousand. :)
Lex: I’ll name four. One: He’s obnoxious and I hate him.
Bex: No you don’t. And no he’s not.
Lex: Two: I’ve known him forever and if we were meant to be anymore more than what we are, it would have happened by now.
Bex: Debatable!
Lex: I used to be his babysitter!!! It’s gross.
Bex: That was just mom being crazy. You weren't really.
