Page 195 of A Touch of Poison
In. Slowly.You’re not there. You’re just thinking about it.
Out. Fully.You’ll be rid of it soon. You’ll befreesoon.
“Good gods.” Eyes round, Kaliban flopped into the seat by mine. “What the hells happened? Who’s been in there?”
“My uncle, he—”
“I don’t mean the memory…” Eyelids fluttering, he shook his head. “That’s horrible, yes, but… I mean who’s been fucking around in there?” He tapped his temple.
The tattooed fae. I seized the thought before it grew too loud and broke the bargain we’d made. “Our captor would only let us leave if they erased our memory of the location.”
He grunted and rubbed his face as if weary. “Holes everywhere. And something with a trigger. A butcher would’ve left less mess. I can’t do anything.”
The memory with Uncle Rufus was too ingrained, and made worse by my deal with Sura. Shit. “Fine,” I sighed. “Thank you for trying. I… I hurt—killed some people with my poison.” I examined my fingers and the stain spreading over them now there was no iron blocking my magic. “Can you take away that memory instead?”
“Katherine.” He leant forward, forcing eye contact. “I don’t think you understand—I can’t take anything. Not anymore.”
A chill crept over me like the soil from that night. “What do you mean?”
“Whatever they did, it was brutal. A botch job. They’ve left so many holes—if I alter a single thing, your mind could collapse.”
“You’re speaking like my mind is a structure. But this isn’t a broken bone in danger of crumbling apart. These are only my thoughts.”
“Considering how strong your thoughts are, I didn’t expect to hear you calling them ‘only’ anything.” His brow tightened, and a knot tied in my stomach at his disapproval. “Your mindisa structure. Just because it isn’t a physical one doesn’t make it any less real. Your mind can be injured or sick, the same as your body. You’ve been getting headaches since this was done, haven’t you?”
Bile licked the back of my throat. I swallowed it down and nodded in silence.
“Your mind is who you are. If it collapses, you will lose yourself. Your fear and courage. Your humour and kindness. Your loyalty and determination. Everything you love, and everything you hate. They are ‘only’ thoughts, and yet…”
And yet those thingswereme.
Even the fear.
Especiallythe fear.
Wasn’t that the thing that had made me all the more determined to keep Ella safe from unCavendish? Wasn’t that what had driven me to ride at night as the Wicked Lady? And weren’t those the nights I’d felt most free?
I rubbed my chest. Maybe I did know Katherine Ferrers far better than I thought.
“I understand.”
In truth, I’d never understood anything about myself so well until that moment.
72
Kat
Over the following days, the queen kept Bastian busy with work. He told me it was because of the coming wedding and the fact he’d been away, so she needed him all the more. After using Princess Nyx’s death as a warning, I suspected it was because he’d been awaywith me.
Though he did find out how Rufus and Robin had secured permission to come to Elfhame. As Caelus had said, Uncle Rufus had told anyone who would listen that I, the woman who had saved Albion from war, was his niece. It was only a short step from there to worming his way into the good graces of Queen Elizabeth herself.
So when she had to choose people for her diplomatic mission to Elfhame, my devious uncle was an obvious choice. Then, cut off from credit, Robin had caught wind of opportunity.
What a pair of fucking vultures, feeding off my scraps.
Feeding offme.
Other than taking Vespera for a ride with Rose, I kept to our rooms and tried to lose myself in research and, when that didn’t work, in a bottle. With the iron ring, the magical effects of fae drink didn’t affect me, but the regular alcohol Bastian kept in his rooms was intoxicating once more. I even managed to sleep without any nightmares about poisoning people, so the iron was doing the trick.
