Page 4 of Taking Charge (Lone Star Burn 4)
Like foolishly wanting a man she’d only met a handful of times. Letting David into her dreams at night made her feel worse instead of better. Memories of him tortured her, mocking her each time she tried to tell herself she could be happy with Ted.
Yes, David was handsome, but her mother had always said physical attraction was like a rainbow—beautiful but fleeting, and not something a person builds a life around.
Ted says he loves me. Shouldn’t that mean something to me?
Declarations like that aren’t supposed to make a person sad, are they? Lucy was filled with shame and regret each time he spoke of their future together. I should have said no when he asked me to marry him. I’m not a person who takes the easy way out.
At least, I never used to be.
Lucy clenched her hands and looked around the room. In her head, she directed her words at the only thing she had left—the house. I promised I’d do whatever I needed to hold on to you, and I will, but I won’t do it the way my mother would have approved of. I’ll do it my way.
And alone.
It’s time I stopped thinking about what I don’t have and take control of what I do. It’s not too late. Thank you, Sarah, for waking me up to that.
She spoke with Sarah frequently. Never about David. Sometimes about Steven.
Often about Ted, but it was impossible not to feel desperate and trapped when talking to the oh-so-happy Sarah. The last time they’d spoken, Lucy had blurted that out—along with the rest of what she’d been holding in. She had finally shared with Sarah how she felt about Ted, how when he’d first stepped forward to help her, Lucy had told him she couldn’t love anyone. She had admitted that Ted had said he loved her enough for both of them.
And I said yes, even though I knew it was the wrong choice.
A tempting, bad choice I regret.
“You can’t marry a man you don’t love,” Sarah had exclaimed.
Lucy had answered, “I don’t know what to do. After all he’s done for me, the public embarrassment alone would be enough to make him hate me.” And I don’t need another reason to feel worse about myself.
“He’ll get over it. Trust me, a man would rather be a little embarrassed than find himself married to a woman who doesn’t love him.”
Lucy had smiled. “You’ve got a lot to learn about Texan men, even though you’re married to one. I swear the reason most of them settled here was they were too proud to turn their wagons around and go home.”
Her joke hadn’t lessened any of the tension in the conversation. “You have to tell him, Lucy.”
Lucy had sighed. In that moment, she’d acknowledged the truth to herself. “I know.”
I know.
There wasn’t another person on the planet Lucy would have shared so much with, but once she had started, the rest poured out. “I owe Ted a lot of money. If he wants me to pay him back now, I’ll lose everything. I can’t run this ranch by myself, and I don’t have any of the old ranch hands. Walking away from him will bring everything crashing back down. Am I making a mistake? Maybe I should be grateful I found a way to survive at all.”
“Never ever settle for survival. Every problem has a solution. All you need is to find a way to bring in some income,” Sarah had said, as if it were the simplest thing to do.
“I’ve tried.” Waitressing wouldn’t bring in the type of money she needed, and the town didn’t have the kind of jobs she’d gone to school for. It was the lack of opportunity that had been the largest reason she’d left. Ironically, she now saw it as the reason why she might lose what she’d once walked away from.
“The world is online now,” Sarah had said, “and you should be, too. What about a franchise business you can run from your home?”
And just like that the world had opened to Lucy again. Sarah had always believed anything was possible. She reminded Lucy of herself before her parents’ deaths. So positive. So sure everything always worked out for the best.
Lucy stood and walked to the window of her father’s office. Never ever settle for surviving.
So easy to say.
Still, Sarah’s words had echoed through Lucy many times after that day. If the past year had taught Lucy anything, it was that surviving was just a slow way of dying.
With renewed determination, she spent the next week researching ways she could make money online. She found an online start-up business and used the last money in her bank account to invest in it. Outside of somehow making the franchise financially successful enough to pay Ted back and float the ranch, there was only one thing left to do.
Lucy took out her phone again and called Ted.
“Hello, sunshine,” he said.
Simply calling me that proves how little he knows me, how very well I’ve hidden my desperation from him. “Ted, we need to talk. Could we meet somewhere?”
“Today isn’t good. Too much going on here.”
“It’s important.”
“You don’t know what important is, Lucy. Whatever is bugging you, we’ll talk about it this weekend when you come to dinner with my parents.”
“It can’t wait that long. It’s about the wedding.”
Ted sighed impatiently. “Are you still upset about my mother wanting you to wear her wedding dress? I won’t discuss it again. Starting a marriage by offending my mother is not the ideal way to enter my family.”
Yeah, about that. “I can’t marry you, Ted.”
Ted’s voice rose. “What do you mean you can’t?”
“I’m not ready to get married. Not to you. Not to anyone.” Lame, but all I have.
He fell silent for a long moment. “If choosing your dress is that important to you, then I guess we can throw good money away on it.”
Lucy covered her face with one hand. God, I’m a coward to do this on the phone. “I don’t care about the dress, Ted. I don’t want to get married.”
There was another painfully long pause. “Is there someone else?”
Lucy refused to give the memory of David that kind of importance. “No. I feel awful, but I tried to tell you that I’m not myself right now. I don’t have anything to give anyone.”
“If you need more time . . .”
“Time won’t change my mind.”
With an angry snarl, Ted asked, “What changed? The idea of marrying me wasn’t so awful when I was paying off your loan.”
“That’s not fair.” It’s what I deserve to hear, I guess. Still, it’s not how I want him to see it. “You know I appreciate everything you’ve done.”
“I don’t want your damn appreciation, Lucy. I thought we were building something together. Hell, you’re wearing my grandmother’s diamond ring. Now you want to call the wedding off for no reason at all. I’ve been good to you, haven’t I? My family has ta
ken you in as one of their own. What is so wrong that you’re willing to throw all that away?”
“I don’t love you, Ted.” There, I said it. He’ll thank me one day.
The sound of his indrawn breath was a hiss.
Lucy rushed to say something, anything that would make him feel better. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you for all you’ve done for me. I’ll pay you back. I swear I will. I’ll just need a little time.”
Ted’s voice was tight with emotion. “You still have your ranch because of me, Lucy. My men have been there as much as at my own place. If you walk away from me, you’d better be damn sure you’re ready to stand on your own.” He didn’t sound like a man about to lose the woman he loved. He sounded like a businessman who realized a deal was going south.
Lucy told herself it was because she’d hurt him. “I am. I’m sorry, Ted.”
In a steely voice, he warned, “If you do this, Lucy, I won’t take you back.”
Did I expect him to beg me to stay? Proclaim that he loves me enough to wait, no matter how long I need? Love is just a word people say. It never means they’ll stay.
“I understand.”
Anger entered his voice again. “I don’t know what you learned in those years you spent up north, but around here we treat people better. I should be grateful to discover your lack of character now instead of after the wedding vows.”
If he thinks this will make me feel worse, he has no idea how much I already hate myself. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I’ll be fine,” Ted said, with coldness in his tone. “You’re the one I feel sorry for. That ranch is as good as gone now. You won’t find anyone else willing to help you. No one besides me gives a shit about you. You and your brother always thought you were better than us. All either of you ever wanted was to leave. Well, here’s your chance.”
Long after he’d hung up, Lucy stood there shaking. They say when you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. So how do I keep sinking?
There was very little left that Lucy recognized about herself. The strong independent woman she’d been was now near giving up and so alone, she ached.
