Page 121 of Finding Us
I release my hold on Jacinta and take a step back, because I’m so overcome with the realisation of what I saw that night was true that I’m struggling to keep it together. I bend, resting my hands on my knees as I struggle to get air into my lungs.
“Can I come back with you?” she asks, rubbing her hand over my back.
“Yeah.” I have a feeling I’m going to need her. I don’t think I can get through this on my own. “I need to go and talk to Blake.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t know what to tell him.”
“Just go with the simplified truth … he doesn’t need to know all the gory details.”
I stand tall, digging the heel of my palms into my sockets when my eyes start to glaze over. I don’t want to break down in front of her. “I don’t know if I can do it,” I admit. I don’t want to lose it in front of my kid either.
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
“Would you?”
“Of course. Stay out here if you want, or go up to my room, take as much time as you need.”
I turn my face away from her and stare off into the distance, because if I look down at her sad eyes, I’m going to break. “Thanks, Red.”
I wait until I’m alone before taking a seat on the top step. I bury my face in my hands when the first tears start to fall. “I’m sorry, Mum,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry I let you down.”
“Hey,” I hear from behind me, but I don’t turn around. “Jacinta told me the news and I wanted to make sure you were okay. Can I join you for a minute?” When I nod my head, Grace takes a seat beside me. “You didn’t let her down, please don’t ever think that.”
“I should’ve done more.”
“You were a kid, Mason. I’m sure Jacinta felt that way at times too, but there was nothing she could’ve done. What chance does a small child have against a fully grown man? I was in a situation just like your mum, and if it wasn’t for her dance teacher, Brooke, and her husband, chances are I would’ve ended up exactly the same way. I can assure you, I never would’ve had the guts or the means to do it on my own.”
“He told me she left because of me … he said it was all my fault.”
“Unfortunately, that’s what narcissistic people do, they blame others for their wrongdoings, always separating themselves from the culpability. I’m sure somewhere in their sick and twisted minds, they even believe their own bullshit. My ex-husband was a master at it. Even though in my heart I knew I wasn’t the problem, he had a way of making me doubt myself. I used to think if I do better, he’ll stop, but there was nothing I could’ve done. It wasn’t until I was away from him that I realised that there is life after abuse.
“Reaching out for help seemed like an impossibility. Who do you trust when you can’t even trust your own husband? The fear that came with speaking out was palpable. I used to worry what would happen if he found out. He used to threaten to kill me if I tried to leave, and there’s no way I would’ve left Jacinta alone with that man. I’m sure your mother felt exactly the same way when it came to you. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get my point. Over time, people like that wear you down until you’re a shell of your former self. I can assure you your mother wanted better for herself—and especially for you—she just didn’t know how to achieve it.”
“She was a good mum,” I say, swiping my fingers under my eyes.
Grace places her hand on my back, soothingly moving it back and forth. “I know she was, sweetie, she produced you.”
A smile tugs at my lips. “Thanks, Grace.”
“She wouldn’t want you beating yourself up over this. You’ve found her, and you can finally lay those ghosts to rest. She’s at peace now, Mason.”
“You think so?”
“I know so.” She taps my leg and stands. “Jim is on the phone organising flights, would you mind if I kept my grandson here for a couple more days?” I chuckle when she says that, but at the same time, I love that she did. “There’s a lot going on back home, and I’m sure you’d rather shield Blake from it all. He’ll be safe here, I promise.”
“I’d appreciate it if he could stay. Thank you for everything you’ve done for him since we got here.”
“You don’t need to thank me. You’ve given me something I’ve always wished for.”
I turn my face, gazing at her over my shoulder and see tears pooling in her eyes. “What’s that? A grandson?”
“No, hope.”
“Hope?”
“Yes … hope for my little girl. The burden I’ve had to carry around for all these years, thinking my poor decisions had damaged her to the point she’d never find true happiness, like I have with Jim. That all lifted the moment I saw the three of you walking towards us hand in hand at the airport.” She places her hand on my shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. “I’ve never seen her so happy and content.”
