Page 106 of Finding Us
Ihold out my arms in front of me when I enter the pool. “Jump.”
“I’m scared, Dad.”
“I’ll catch you.”
“But I can’t swim.”
Of course, he can’t swim; why did I not consider that? His mother was lucky to feed him, so the idea that she would take him to swimming lessons is laughable.
I wade through the water and move to the edge, place my hands on the side and push up, lifting my body out of the pool. “Come,” I say, guiding him back to the sun lounge where our towels are.
“We’re not going in the pool now?” he asks, looking up at me.
“We are, but we’re going to the store in the hotel lobby first to see if they have any floaties I can buy.”
“But floaties are for babies,” he whines.
“I’ll see if they have something cool you can wear.”
“Okay.”
I really didn’t want to pull him out of school for the rest of the week, it’s only his first term there, but I couldn’t handle being in our apartment building, either running into Red or constantly worrying about what she’s up to, or who she is with. The fact that she was going out drinking and dancing with Cassandra less than a week after our breakup really fucked with my head.
I’d been hoping we’d be close to getting back together by now, but I guess that’s not the case. Not if she’s out living it up already while I sit at home pining for her and feeling sorry for myself.
I needed to get away and regroup. If I’m going to be doing life without her going forward, I need to accept that. I may not like it, but if she no longer wants to be with me, there’s not much I can do about it. Am I heartbroken? One hundred percent. It hurts more than I ever thought possible. And that says a lot considering the shit I’ve lived through. Will I get over her? I have no fucking clue, but if that’s what is in my cards, I’ll keep moving forward and hope in time it won’t hurt so much.
I haven’t completely given up. I’m willing to fight for her, but if I’m the only one fighting, it’s kind of pointless. The only way to find happiness is to stop worrying about the things that are beyond reach. If fate wants us together, it will happen. If not, then I’ll deal with it the best I can.
It’s going to suck since we live in the same building; it’s inevitable that I’ll run into her from time to time, but there’s not much I can do about that either. I’m not about to uproot my son again. I’m now thankful we never told him about us, the last thing I’d ever want to do is break his heart as well.
“What about these?” I ask, pointing to some pink Barbie arm floats.
“Daaaad!”
I chuckle, ruffling his hair. “I’m kidding, bud.”
I keep walking past all the baby floaties hanging along the far wall, and stop when I reach the kids life vests. These are more like it. My boy may only be six, but I’m not about to force him into wearing something that’s going to ruin his street cred.
“What about these ones?”
He lifts one shoulder. “I guess.”
“Blue?”
“Yeah.”
I start looking through the rack, until I find one that looks like it might fit. Removing it from the hanger, I crouch down, unzip it, and try it for size.
“I’m going to give you some swimming lessons when we get back in the pool, and this will help you keep afloat until you can swim on your own.”
“So, I don’t get drowd.”
“Drowned? No, I’d never let that happen.”
I don’t have my wallet on me, so I charge the vest to our room and we head back to the pool area. When I jump back in, I move away from the edge and hold my arms out again. I know he has issues with water, so I want to show him there’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ve got him.
As soon as Red told me about how his mother used to put him in cold showers as punishment, I knew. He’s never wanted to shower at home, always opting for a bath. The first day he came to me and I ran him one, I watched him swirl his hand around in the water before he got in …“It’s warm,” he’d said, surprised.I thought it was a weird thing for him to say at the time, but I completely understand that statement now.
