Page 1 of The Design of Goodbye
July
chapter one
“I have a dare for you.”
I inhaled hot, sticky Michigan air and didn’t respond. I thought about the letter perfectly folded in my pocket. It had been laying on myNacho Average Fashion Designermug this morning, waiting for me. The paper was crisp, brand new—the words precise, matter of fact. No hesitation.
I can’t do this anymore.
“Madison.”
I still didn’t respond. Jules hated when she had to wait for anything. And tonight, I wanted her to wait. I had to be in control ofsomething, even if it was an answer to a silly game we should’ve stopped playing in middle school.
My lack of response didn’t really matter. Jules had been giving me the same dare for years, and I always said no. I’d grown used to the repercussions of not following through: call the hot barista from the local Buzz, wear hideous leopard print shorts for an entire day, post an embarrassingpictureto Whirl.
“Well,” pressed Jules, “don’t you want to know what it is?”
Tanner threw a football, and it flew over our heads. Alex ran by, kicking sand on us as he lunged for the football. Jules shot up, her high-pitched scream sounding across the beach as she danced sand off herself.
“Sorry!” called Alex, shaking sand out of his hair. He tossed the football to Tanner and laughed. Alex laughed at everything. He lived life like it was a big joke. For the first time, I was jealous of him.
I wondered if I’d ever laugh again.
I didn’t wipe the sand off myself. I couldn’t move. My whole body felt weighed down. Strings of unanswered questions were tethered to me, keeping me still.
I hadn’t told anyone about the letter. Spoken words were harder than written ones.
The letter was burning a hole in my pocket.
Jules flopped back onto the sandy beach, and Claire appeared out of nowhere, peering down at me.
“You’re acting weird,” said Claire, popping a grape Jolly Rancher in her mouth. She always ate the candies in a specific order, saving the best flavor for last. Grape was her favorite.
“Blue raspberry is the best,” I said. My voice sounded far away, like I wasn’t really here. But I had to be. I felt the sand underneath me, heard waves crashing in the distance, and saw the clouds in the blue sky.
Claire snorted. It was an unspoken rule to never argue over the order of Jolly Ranchers. “Are you sick?” asked Claire.
“Maybe,” I muttered. I did feel kind of nauseous, but maybe the unexpected shock was to blame. Or maybe this was what grief felt like upon arrival: an unsettled stomach and aching muscles.
Jules leaned over me. Her long dark-red hair was probably getting twisted in those questions. “Answer me.”
A bird flew overhead. I focused on its gracefulness—at how peaceful it was flying in that enormous sky—until it disappeared behind the lighthouse.
If you care about me, you’ll understand.
“I’ll do it.” I broke free of my restraints and stood.
Tanner threw the football again. The football soared over Alex’s head and landed near the water. Alex ran after it.
“Really?” Jules asked as Tanner wrapped an arm around her stomach and pulled her close. “But you don’t know what the dare is...”
“We all know what the dare is, babe,” said Tanner, nuzzling his face against her neck.
“You’ll do it?” Jules asked me, unable to hide her excitement. “You’ll come with me to Chained and—”
“I said I would.” My skin was on fire.
Everyone followed me. But when we got to Chained, only Jules and I went inside. As I walked around the store, my fingers brushing silver necklaces with crystals, gold chains with seashells, I thought of the letter again. I grabbed a rose gold necklace with a key and slid it into my pocket. I wondered if the necklace would melt.
