Page 107 of The Design of Goodbye
“It’s”—the cookie was stuck in my throat—“complicated.”
Liam moved the trays of food and scooted closer to me. I bowed my head, unable to look at him.
“Hey.” He nudged my shoulder. “I can listen to complicated.”
He lowered his head so our eyes met. I wished I’d left my hair down so I could hide behind it. But then I saw his concern and understanding, and it gave me the confidence to tell him.
Even if that awful voice in the back of my head told me he’d leave once I did.
“Back in July, I did something terrible.” I kicked at the water, and drops landed on my face and arms. “I stole something from a store called Chained the night my mom left me,” I finally said. “A necklace.”
“Because you were sad?” This was why I liked Liam so much. Instead of scolding me for what a terrible choice I’d made, he questioned why I’d made it in the first place.
I dipped my finger in the pool and then drew a line on the concrete between us. “And angry.”
“Those seem perfectly acceptable emotions to have,” he said, dipping his finger in the pool and tracing a line adjacent to mine. “Given what had just happened.”
“Maybe,” I said. “But I still got caught, and Dad was so disappointed. Ever since then, I’ve been terrified he’ll leave me, too.” Our lines had faded by the time I finished with “I’m worried if I say or do the same thing that pushed my mom to leave, he will, too. I try hard not to upset or disappoint him so he stays. I’m not always great at it, but I try.” My voice wobbled. “I wish my mom would’ve told me what I did so I could make sure toneverdo it again. Then everything wouldn’t be so complicated.”
He pulled me close, my head naturally falling against his chest. “Your dad loves you. He’s not going to intentionally leave you. Trust me.”
I tried so hard to trust him, but it was hard. “I hope so because, if he does...”I shivered, and he pulled me closer. We stayed like that until the sun disappeared. We were bathed in darkness, when I said, “Can I ask you a question now?”
“It’s only fair.”
I wished I could see his expression, but with the sun gone, most of his face was hidden in shadows. “How long has your dad been...like he his?”
“As long as I can remember.”
I was surprised how much his confession hurt, given I’d expected the answer. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“I was scared no one would believe me,” he said. “And scared to leave the life I knew.”
“But aren’t you scared living with him?”
“Yeah.” I could tell how much strength that kind of honesty had been for him. He added, “It’s hard not to be. He’s angry. He’s unpredictable.”
I frowned. “Is he the reason your mom left?”
I wanted to add,Why didn’t she take you? How terrible was your mother to leave you with that monster? I remembered the picture—the love in his mom’s eyes—and none of it made sense. But, I supposed, a mother abandoning her child never really would.
“No,” he said, voice tight. “It was my fault.”
“What do you mean?”
He shook his head. “I can’t explain it.”
I was desperate to know, but I had to respect he didn’t want to talk about it. I rested my head on his shoulder, thinking of the terrible words his dad had spat at him last night. “Do you believe what your dad says to you?”
“Most of it,” he said. “It’s hard not to.”
“Well, don’t. You’re not alone. You have me.” Then I added hesitantly, “I’m really glad we found each other.”
“More likecrashedinto each other.”
“That too.”
“Meeting you kind of...it...”He huffed out an aggravated breath. “Meeting you...it was...meeting was the...you know what I’m trying to say, right?”
