Page 23 of The Design of Goodbye
He paused his movie and then asked in a tone that gave me goose bumps, “Where have you been, Madison? I’ve been calling you for hours.”
“With Jules.”
I didn’t think it was necessary to add that after what’d happened with Liam, I’d driven an hour to Crystal Lake so I could be alone. There, on that cold, sandy beach, I’d wished things were like last year. I’d thought about how much I hated myself for all the wrong choices I’d made and couldn’t seem to stop making. I’d thought about how disappointed in myself I was for never being strong enough to fight for what was right.
“And you couldn’t answer your phone?”
I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t have a good excuse. “I forgot—”
“I find it hard to believe you forgot how to use your phone, given how often you’re on it.”
“I didn’t forget how tousemy phone. I forgot to check it. We went to the apple festival, and I lost track of time.”
His eyes pierced mine. It took all my willpower to not look away.
Pointedly, he asked, “How was tutoring with Liam today?”
“Jules needed me.”
“You’re telling me,” he started, voice low, “you thought hanging out with Jules was more important than improving your math grade?”
“Jules is my best friend, Dad,” I said, trying desperately to explain. “Tanner cheated on her.”
He nodded slowly. “I’m sorry to hear that.” Crossing his arms, he added, “I’m going to ask you something, and youwillbe honest. Understand?”
“Okay.” I couldn’t stand looking at him anymore and glanced outside. The back porch light was still on, so I could see the outline of a few trees lining the edge of our backyard and the bird feeder my dad and I had built when I was seven.
“Did you let Liam know you couldn’t make it, or was that not a valuable use of your time?”
I swallowed. If I lied, he’d know. He always did. “I didn’t have his number,” I admitted.
“So, he went to the library,” started my dad, “waited for you, and you never showed?”
I didn’t say anything because, based on Liam’s earlier comment, he had. I couldn’t get myself to admit it out loud, so I shrugged instead.
He sighed. “You and I both know he did.”
“I didn’t know what to do.” I blinked rapidly, trying to hold back tears. “You know how Jules is.”
“It’s not fair Jules made you make such a tough decision, but you’re almost eighteen. Almost an adult. Which means making hard choices, even if that upsets your friends.” Then he added sadly, “This isn’t you, Mads.”
Of course, this wasn’t me. I wasn’t the person I was months ago. I was a shell of who I once was. Couldn’t he see that? “I know.”
I stood there, trembling and wondering if he was going to get up and walk away. Leave me, too.
“You’re going to apologize to him,” he said.
I was so relieved he hadn’t walked away. It took a moment for his words to sink in. “Apologize?”
“Apologies go a long way.”
How could he say something like that to me? The night I’d stolen the necklace, I’d apologized. I’d saidI’m sorrya million times. He’d ignored my shame and vulnerability as I’d said those two terrible words, and he’d never responded with the words I’d so desperately needed to hear:I forgive you.
Instead, all he’d said was:I’m so disappointed in you, Madison. So disappointed.
“I want you to do it before next Saturday,” he said. “I want him to know you’re still committed.”
“Fine.”
