Page 14 of Last Letters to Ara
“Well,” Joel begins, keeping his happy, yet worn face sober. “It’s just...” He trails off and glances through the windows of the kitchen doors toward Theo.
Dan tries next, “What he means to say is...”
“Never mind.” If they’re about to say anything about Theo showing up, I don’t want to hear it.
Joel continues anyway. “What I wanted to say was that strapping young fool is looking at you like he’s just stumbled across a glass of water in the middle of the desert.”
“He is NOT looking at me like that.” This is both the longest conversation I’ve ever had with them, and completely mortifying.
Dan lets out a low whistle, drying off his hands before running one over his cropped, silvering hair. “Must be someone special if he’s got you this wound up.”
Someone, please, drop a nuke on me.
Grabbing the freshly laundered napkins, I flee the kitchen, ready to try my luck with Theo rather than experience another moment of whateverthatwas. Except, Theo isn’t standing where I left him, sending a sinking sensation into my stomach. I guess he finally took the hint. The hint which wasn’t a hint at all, but a plea.
A plea for what? I’m not sure. All I know is that when he’s around, things seem a little less bleak. Maybe it’s because I’m so busy fighting him every step of the way, I can’t focus on what I’ve already lost, and the time I’m losing every day, another cog in the wheel.
Regardless, there has to be an explanation forwhyhe keeps showing up unannounced andhowhe keeps finding me. Our generation doesn’t have to exert any effort beyond a swipe of the finger to land their conquests. What could possibly drive Theo to show up at this café, breathing the way I do after climbing a flight of stairs?
My thoughts wander as I fold the napkins. Would I open myself up to Theo if given the choice? The better question would becould I? Most of the time, I feel like those decisions are out of my control in a way. As if after I’d experienced a certain amount of hurt,somethingdecided I no longer deserved the power to make my own decisions and took over, determined to keep everyone out. There is this deep sense that it’s never beenmewho wants to shut people out.
There is no doubt that I am physically attracted to Theo, but it doesn’t end there. Most guys my age are too busy making thirst traps and banging their way through sorority girls to bring anything else to the table. With Theo, I can tell there is more, and the very distant, very tiny, part of me which is brave wants to be the one to unravel him.
Sigh.My track record with relationships is bad enough as it is. I don’t need to add another failure to that list. My first serious boyfriend was a good guy, but I was young and hadn’t figured out what I’d wanted. By the time I did, everything we’d built had been destroyed. From there, it only got worse with the next one, and since I wasn’t born with the boldness I imagine is required for one-night stands, it’s just been me and my little pink...
“SARAH.”
Tonight is the gift that keeps on giving. I’m being pulled out of a vibrator daydream by my boss.
“Sorry! Yes, Karen?”
“Are you going to let our only customer sit there all night without being served so you can drool all over our clean napkins, thanks to whatever godforsaken thoughts are running through that juvenile, barren mind of yours? Or do you think you can bring yourself to do some real work?”
“You know what? Fuck you, Karen.” Is exactly what Ishouldsay. That was the most insulting sentence I’ve ever had the displeasure of receiving.
The worst part? That darkness inside meagreeswith her, tells me she’s right.
My head hangs, realizing with utter horror that Theo hasn’t left, but is actually sitting close enough that he would have overheard that, as I make my way over to take his order. “What can I get you?”
“Well first, I’d like to know what you were thinking about that caused you to drool all over those napkins?” Theo says with a naughty wink. “Because I’m hoping that it had something to do with me.”
I groan, covering my face with my hands and notepad, before sure hands gently pull them away. I’m met by open green eyes, full of concern, tinted along the edges by anger. His hands linger on mine a moment too long before they slowly release my wrists.
“In all seriousness, who is that ogre who thinks she can treat you like garbage?”
“That’s Karen, my boss, so unfortunately shecantreat me like garbage.”
“Her name is actually Karen?”
“Yep.”
Theo cocks his head in amusement. “Fitting.”
Dismayed over the fact that I don’t feel all that embarrassed, a hint of a smile plays on my lips. “I say the same thing.” Theo just witnessed an absolute slaughter occur, yet the moment I felt his presence, I feltbetter.
“No wonder she is such a cow. It’s like the universe knows who will be a shrew and wants to warn the rest of us by naming them Karen.”
I laugh. It’s breathy and probably more like a gasp, but it’s a laugh, my first one since Dad died, and Theo’s looking at me like...like I’ve never been looked at before.
