Page 44 of Last Letters to Ara
He doesn’t wait for a response as he turns to walk away.
I hesitate, not knowing what to do. This moment feels important. Every cell in my body burns for me to call out his name, close the distance between us and never let us come apart again. I can’t shake the feeling that if I don’t make the right move, here and now, it will sentence us to a future neither of us want.
“Wait!” I slip off my heels, leaving them discarded in front of my door. His gaze is hungry as he turns around, watching me close the last few feet remaining between us.
“You forgot your jacket.” Slipping it from my shoulders to hand it over, the ferocity gleaming in Theo’s eyes dims, but he still gives me a smile.
“Right, thank you.”
“We had a deal.” I don’t know if I’m reminding him or myself, but we agreed to remain just friends after tonight.
“That we did. I hope it didn’t scare you off.”
I shake my head.
“Good. Me neither.” He takes another look at me, and I can only imagine what he finds as he tells me again, “Goodnight, Ara.”
“Goodnight, Theo.”
I make it back to my door just in time to watch Theo drive away. As much as every piece of me was screaming to drag him inside and tear off his clothes, I know I’m not ready for what would come after. Which probably makes me the biggest idiot on the planet.
I don’t want to rush what we have and wind up destroying it, the way I always do. Theo doesn’t deserve to be a crutch. I want to be more than this broken person I’ve become, to put back those pieces that have been taken from me. This is the most precious feeling I’ve ever had, and I will protect it at all costs. Even though I’ve never given him an explanation, Theo seems to understand that I’m not ready.
I just hope he sticks around long enough for me to get ready.
Present - Ara
I NEVER BELIEVEDthat my last day at The Airport Café would come. I can’t imagine how unpleasant Karen is going to be today. She was more than disgruntled about the sick days I took, even going so far as to say that my two-week notice would need to be extended. I downright refused, seeing as though the only days I have ever taken off since working there was for the funeral.
I’ve been dreading the fact that leaving the café means I won’t be seeing Joel and Dan anymore, right as we were starting to become closer. Nor will I be seeing Theo, apparently. He hasn’t asked to see me since Valentine’s Day, nearly two weeks ago, and I haven’t pushed it either.
I hate to admit it, but I miss him like crazy. We texted the day after Valentine’s Day, but we’ve mainly just been sending each other funny memes and random snapshots of moments throughout our days since. I’m not sure why he hasn’t asked to see me again, but it worries me. When I should really be feeling thankful. Because not a single night has gone by without me having to use my little pink friend at leasttwicebefore going to sleep, accompanied by all thoughts of Theo. Theo biting his lip...Theo ripping my beautiful dress in half...Theo in my design room...on my counter...in my shower. It’s safe to say I needed some cooling down time.
Speaking of Theo, I pick up my phone and search for the ugliest monster GIF I can find, deciding to go with one of Jabba the Hutt fromStar Wars, holding Princess Leia as his slave. Captioning it withOfficially free from my keeper after tonight, I hit send. A moment later, my special notification sound for Theo rings out.
Yes, I made a special notification sound for him.
Yes, I know it’s pathetic.
But I was getting too disappointed when my phone would go off with notifications from apps I don’t even remember downloading and it wasn’t him.
My attempt at drilling my heart into not reacting when it was a text from him, afriend,hasn’t been successful. It doesn’t seem to be listening at all these days.
Ding.
Case in point.
Opening my texts with Theo, I see that he’s sent back a GIF of Han Solo sayingMay the force be with you,making me cackle. I send him a few cry-laughing emojis and put my phone back down.
As much as I joke about it, quitting this job absolutely terrifies me, and I’ve been trying not to think about what it truly means. I’ll have no job, which means no stable income, and I’ll be relying on the little money I have saved until I find another one. I’ve been looking for another position, but absolutely nothing I’ve found has felt like an improvement.
I know Dad left me something, but I haven’t bothered finding out how much, much to his attorney’s chagrin. It doesn’t feel right to accept money as a replacement for Dad. He had thought of everything, even going so far as a prepaid and preplanned funeral, and I know he would have wanted to make sure I was taken care of even beyond that. The letters are proof of that.
Another notification from Theo rings out and I unlock my phone.
Theo: This is the first step toward figuring out the rest. You’ve got this.
Me: Thank you. I needed that.
