Page 29 of Last Letters to Ara
As if that could be a bad thing.
“You need to tell Cameron that you don’t want to go to New York forhim. You still have time to decide where your life is going to take you and when. Don’t rush it because someone wants you to.”
I had asked him how he had known exactly what was on my mind and he said, “You’re my best friend, it would be pretty lame if I couldn’t read your mind.”
After that talk with Dad, I attempted to tell Cameron how I felt but to him, it made perfect sense for me to follow him to New York regardless since I had nothing going on here. It’s where he would be, after all. In the end, I didn’t want to risk holding him back or becoming the person who gets left behind, figuring that if I was the one to end things, it wouldn’t hurt as much. I told him we needed to take a break so I could figure out what I wanted, so we did.
I spent the remainder of senior year trying to figure out what I wanted to do, until just before graduation I finally came up with business school. It was a safe option. There would be a lot of job opportunities with a degree in business, so it’d be easier to find something I didn’t hate. Once I had my degree, I could figure out what I wanted to do with it.
With the time apart from Cameron, I became lonely. Despite our differences, I missed him. He was the only person who had bothered to be in my life besides Dad, and I missed that. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I’d made the wrong decision in ending things, moving to New York for a few years didn’t have to result in marriage.
I only applied to one college, ten minutes away via public transport from NYU. Small, not too overwhelming, and it had a great business program. The day I got accepted, I showed up at Cameron’s high school, excited to share the good news, and spent the afternoon curled up in a bush hiding, while he made out with another girl less than five feet away.
Listening to someone suck face for an hour is gross enough. I mean, those sounds?Ick.
But what really made me nauseous was when he told the girl that it wasfatethat she transferred to his school for the last semester of high school. Fate must be his best fucking friend.
Looking back, it was wrong to expect that he wouldn’t meet someone else during the nine months that we were apart, any healthy person would move on by then. It absolutely crushed me, but I don’t fault him. Instead, I’ve faulted myself ever since.
Iwas the one who got scared and ended things. It wasmyfault for having no idea what I wanted, and it cost me not only Cameron as my friend, but also my boyfriend and future. Still, using the same line he used on me to some other chick? Dick move.
Arriving back home that evening, covered in dirt, leaves, and maybe even a branch or two, I had to experience the humiliation of knocking on the door for Dad to see me in my “nature state” having forgotten my keys.
Being the everyday superhero that he was, Dad managed to help me fix the college problem by calling in a favor with one of his clients who worked in the admissions department of the University of South Florida in Tampa. He convinced him to accept my application even though admissions had long since closed, and a month later, I found myself in college right here in Tampa.
Seeing what happened between Cameron and me had worried him. Dad wanted me to have more than one person in my life, which is what led to him insisting I have the real college experience. So, there I was, just me and my social anxiety moving into a dorm with a total stranger.
That’s where I met Katie, my future best friend and evil cow, becoming friends by default. It’s hard not to get to know someone when you’re experiencing the same stress over exams while living together. We didn’t have much in common outside of that, but it didn’t stop her from dragging me to parties.
Which is also how I ended up meeting Blake, future ex-boyfriend and source of trauma. His name should have been the first red flag. I mean, has there ever been a decent guy in college named Blake? Try to think of one. You won’t.
I was in a weird place, still recovering from the way things ended with Cameron, and wound up sleeping with Blake. I don’t know why I did it, maybe because it felt like a rite of passage? But to be fair, even antisocial girls like me have needs. I’d expected him to ghost me the next day, but he surprised me by sticking around to ruin my life.
Blake was supposed to just be my comfort zone at parties when Katie ran off without me, but the regular hookups turned into him staying over when it got too late. Suddenly, he started dragging me everywhere that had a keg, started introducing me as his girlfriend and I never corrected him. Talk about a 21stcentury love story.
Next to the terms “gaslighting” and “red flag” there should be a picture of Blake, holding a big fish he caught. He was extremely jealous, which is comical when you think of how things ended. If I didn’t text him back straight away because of a class that ran late, I would open my phone to sweet nothings like “cheating bitch” and “untrustworthy whore.”
I had been so wrapped up in not jeopardizing another relationship, that I ended up jeopardizing myself and my happiness instead. It took walking in on Katie and Blake going at it like rabbits onmybed, in ourshareddorm where her bed was less thantenfeet away, to realize what I had with Blake was NOT it.
Rather than crying and running away, I stood my ground, told them to get dressed and get the hell out. I’m still proud of that tiny strength I showed in the end, watching them both scramble away, until the door closed and I let myself fall apart. In her haste, fleeing from her misdeeds, Katie left her phone behind. I took it as an invitation from the universe to create a group text to every male contact in Katie’s phone saying she had contracted an STD and to get tested.
That was probably too far and I’m not proud.
That’s a lie. I’m super proud.
At the end of the day, I didn’t leave college and my business degree behind because of what went down with Katie and Blake. I had already been speaking with Dad about dropping out to get work experience until I figured out what I wanted to do.
When I showed up at this door with all my stuff, he wasn’t all that surprised, having noticed the stress I was under for something I didn’t care about. Hewassurprised to find out that I’d made a friend and found a boyfriend, the poor man looking like a fish out of water, opening and closing his mouth, as I told him how I’d discovered them. He was traumatized.
So how did I end up mentally revisiting that nostalgic trainwreck?
Right. I wanted to make something today.
Me: Hey, don’t rush with the car. I forgot to tell you that I have off today.
Before I can set my phone down, it buzzes with a text.
Theo: Your car is already outside.
