Page 134 of War Queen
“Love makes one weak.”
“Is that so?” Phillip’s grip softened, but he didn’t release him. His eyes dipped in sorrow. No, not sorrow—pity, as if Soren didn’t understand. What didn’t he understand?
“Did you not become lord commander because the king loves you?” Phillip asked.
What was his point?
“And Norah, she has a lord justice, but you control Mercia’s army because she loves you and trusts you above all others. And now…” Phillip leaned closer. “Now, you control the king of Aleon, who will submit to your every ask. You think that love makes you weak, but has it not made you the most powerful man in the world?”
Soren blinked back his emotion. How did this man affect him like this? He couldn’t let him, no matter how convincing his words. “I’m not a man who can love.” He shoved Phillip back and off him. “I’m not a man who can be loved.”
Then Soren left before he lost the power to do so.
He kept his eyes on the map stretched out on the table. His wrap was suffocating. Soren had never felt that way about it in all the years he’d worn it, but over the past few days, he’d felt it often. Mikael stood beside him, with Caspian across from him, next to Phillip. They’d just run through the battle strategy for a sixth time, making sure they missed nothing, forgot nothing. It was a solid plan. Yet Soren felt anything but solid.
After he’d left Phillip’s chamber, the king let him be, as if Soren were in control. Except standing here now, with only a table between them, Soren was certainly not in control.
Phillip pulled the battalion figurines back to their original position. Soren’s eyes followed his hands. Strong hands. He knew those hands—they were hands that had touched him. So softly, and not so softly. He closed his eyes and sucked in a breath.Control.
“It’s a great risk,” Mikael said, helping break through the fog in Soren’s head.
Soren focused his mind back on the battle. This planwasa great risk for Phillip. It was one that turned his own stomach.
“As I’ve told the lord commander, I’m willing,” Phillip said. His eyes were on him. Soren took care not to look, not to get caught in their snare, but he felt them—the eyes that knew him so intimately.
“And I understand the risk,” Phillip added, “but this alliance promises me something greater, and I’m willing to take it.”
Soren’s inhale stuttered in his chest. Was he still talking about the battle?
“This is unconventional, this alliance,” Mikael said.
Phillip gave a soft chuckle, and Soren could almost feel the puffs of breath on his skin, where he’d felt Phillip’s chuckle the night before. On his hip, on his thighs—
He sucked in another breath.
“I’m an unconventional man,” Phillip said. “And I’m sure you agree that convention holds us back. This is about knowing the opportunity and taking it. Doing the most with what we have and what we’re given.”
Soren lifted his gaze. Phillip’s eyes were fixed on him, as he knew they had been, and he was caught. But his mind was on Phillip’s words. This was no longer a conversation about battle. Or maybe it was, just not the battle against Rael.
“I agree,” Mikael said.
“And if we respect one another, we can hold true to our values,” Phillip said. “Hold what’s important to each of us.”
“I think that’s possible,” Mikael answered.
But it wasn’t possible. Soren remained pinned under Phillip’s gaze—the gaze that laid him open and bare and vulnerable, that tested his heart against his duty. He couldn’t shoulder them separately. It wasn’t possible. His heartwashis duty. Salar and Salara were his heart. Salar and Salara were his duty. Phillip was…
Phillip was…
It wasn’t possible. Just like it wasn’t possible for Soren to stay in this room any longer. Without air. He ripped himself free of those eyes and pushed off the table. But as he headed to the door, Mikael caught his arm.
Mikael’s brow dipped. “Where are you going?”
Soren had nothing in answer. To think? He couldn’t think. He’d forgotten how. He needed to… He didn’t know what he needed to do, other than get away. “Let me go,” he said quietly, so that only Mikael could hear. “Please.” He was practically begging.
Mikael’s eyes moved back and forth between his. He didn’t press. He knew something was wrong. Soren prayed he wouldn’t keep him longer. And Mikael didn’t. He only nodded and let him go.
He stood in the day’s fading light, his back against the wall in the room’s quiet. Soren wasn’t sure what had come over him earlier that afternoon. He’d lost himself, lost his mind, and he’d had to walk nearly the entire city before he could get it back.
