Page 29 of Stick Around
Lauren made me shave again. Said my beard was “scratchy and embarrassing.” These girls are going to be the death of me.
Jan 20/99
Longest day at the shop in a long time. Everything I needed to go right went wrong. Sometimes I don’t know how long I can keep hauling ass like this. But those girls need me. I can’t quit on them.
Jan 21/99
The girls were playing at the desk today and colored all over last month's invoices. I just finished them all last night and was going to mail them out today. It’s going to take me all week to do them over again. But they were so goddamn proud of their pictures. I hung them up at my desk.
Jan 22/99
What the fuck am I doing? I’ll never be everything these girls need me to be.
Jan 23/99
Be honest. Be humble. Work harder than anyone else.
Jan 24/99
The girls were giggling in their bedroom tonight after I tucked them in. I went back in to tell them to go to sleep and they were having a farting contest. I joined and lost.
By the timeBilly set the journal down it was after two in the morning and he’d read it cover-to-cover. The ratty, grease-stained pages of scrawled thoughts, most no longer than a sentence or two, painted a picture of a man Billy now realized he’d barely known at all. Or, at least, only known a sliver of.
He leaned back, rested his head on the back of the couch and stared at the ceiling. He turned the book over in his hands. Billy had idolized Brian Avery. He was certain Brian had life all figured out. But this was the real him. A man with doubts, fears, dreams. He had no clue Brian had been hiding all these insecurities, but then, no man in Billy’s life had ever talked like this. No coach or teacher. Certainly not his own father.
This can’t be how it works. You go from being some kid, drinking on a Saturday night to being a husband and father, but you’re still the same guy?It seemed like something should change in him, some sort of epiphany should strike. Like one day, he’d wake up and be a mature man, capable of being a responsible partner and father. Obviously his own father hadn’t had any such awakening. But it didn’t sound like Brian had either. It sounded like, a lot of days, Brian struggled to be a good man. Like he had to wake up every morning and get busy working in the shop and taking care of the girls, no matter how uncertain he felt.
His face stilled.Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s the difference between Brian and Dad.It wasn’t that Brian had everything figured out. It was the opposite. He didn’t have any of it figured out. But Brian stood up and did what his family needed him to do, even when he felt lost and afraid. He didn’t chase those feelings away with alcohol or pawn them off on someone else to deal with. He let those doubts and fears ride shotgun while he kept hustling, because that’s what his girls needed him to do.
Billy’s stomach clenched as his realization settled into his bones. Growing up wasn’t something that was just going to happen to him. It was something he was going to have to fight for.
11
Grace
Grace tippedher ear to her shoulder and relaxed into a stretch along the left side of her neck. She watched the glass container full of rice, chicken, and broccoli revolve under the orange light of the microwave. After a moment, she rolled her chin down and over, stretching the opposite side of her neck. The microwave hummed.
“Grace?”
Ugh.She rolled her neck again.Pretend you don’t hear her.
“Grace?” Her mother’s voice grew louder.
Grace sighed and shuffled to the living room entrance. Her father was sitting in his worn leather recliner, one sock foot crossed over the other on the extended footrest. Her mother sat in her usual spot on the couch, staring at the entrance expectantly. A laugh track echoed from the sitcom on the television.
“Yeah?” She avoided meeting her mother’s eyes.
“I thought I heard you come in. It would be nice if you came in to say hello when you got home, you know.”
“Sorry. Hello.”
Her mother clucked her tongue. “Really, Grace? How long do you intend to keep up this sullen child routine?” She turned to her husband and gestured at Grace. “She’s more insufferable now than she was as a teenager.”
Grace shifted her weight, jutting her hip to the side and crossing her arms. Her father didn’t reply.
“I’m not saying what Noah did was right, but I’ve had about enough of your moping around. He was only trying to protect you. Just like your father and I are.”
“Protect me from what?”
