Page 74 of Real Forever
Jake still said nothing.
“Dude, I’ve got your back, always. But I’ve seen you ride. I know what you’re like when you’re happy. And this ain’t it, bro.”
Jake stood there, fuming, staring at Zach. He clenched his hands and opened his mouth to reply. Instead, he stormed past Zach, grabbed his gym bag, and left, slamming the door behind him.
He was alone in the small condo gym, so he could choose the only stationary bike. He jumped on and started pumping his legs.
What the fuck? Who the hell does Zach think he is? Like he has his life so together? All he does is drink and play video games. Maybe he should look in the fucking mirror before judging me.
He pedaled harder, forcing his pent up anger out through his legs.
It doesn’t matter what Zach thinks, anyway. What I think is what matters. It’s my life, and I’m doing what I think is best.
Jake’s heart pumped harder.
Are you? Or are you doing what Mommy says because you’re too afraid to decide for yourself?
Fuck. I’m so fucking tired of this. I’m so exhausted of going back and forth inside my own goddamn mind. Why can’t I just think something through and come to a decision like a normal fucking person?
Because you’re scared. You’re always scared.
That’s why I need to listen to my parents. I know they aren’t mushy or affectionate, but they have my best interests at heart. I need their guidance because I’m too afraid to make these big decisions by myself.
Maybe. Or maybe your parents are the only reason you’re afraid to begin with.
Jake’s body stopped. His legs fell still on the pedals and his hands gripped the handlebars. His face hung motionless. Only his heart and lungs continued to pound with frantic intensity.
What if you’ve been wasting your life doing exactly what your mother tells you because it’s exactly what she wants? What if she makes you feel small and afraid so you’re easier to control?
He thought back to what Zach had asked him.
Does this make me feel free?
He stared at himself in the mirrored wall. The blood pounded through his veins, beating in his ear drums.
No.
Madison makes me feel free.
Fuck. Fuck.
All at once, his heart slowed down as the truth washed over him. Building an impressive business and having a lot of money didn’t matter to him. It had never mattered. The only thing he had truly loved in his life was Madison. And he had lost her. Maybe forever.
Jake slumped his upper body over the handlebars as the weight of the realization crashed down on him. Tears fell from his eyes, but they weren’t the desperate, terrified tears he had cried on Lauren’s bathroom floor.
These tears were a release.
* * *
When his alarmbeeped the next morning, Jake was already awake, staring at the gray patch on his ceiling. He reached for the phone, turned off the alarm, and opened his task list. He typed a new item, “fix ceiling paint,” and then flipped to his calendar. Three client appointments booked for the morning. He sent emails to all three, letting them know he wasn’t able to make the appointment, apologizing, and asking them to reschedule. Then he rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of fleece shorts and an old Queen’s University T-shirt.
When Zach rolled out of bed an hour later, Jake was sitting at the dining table with two plates of bacon, eggs, and hash browns.
“Good morning,” Jake said. “Coffee?”
Zach squinted around the room, confused. “Sure?” He sat down at the table. “What’s going on? Why aren’t you on your way to work?”
“I took the morning off.”
