Page 25 of Real Forever
Madison laughed and smacked her on the arm.
“Well, were you at the bar?” Lauren continued. “Did you see Dave there? He was out late too.”
“No, I wasn’t at the bar.”
Now Lauren was suspicious. “So where were you, then? You’ve been out every night lately.”
Madison hated lying to her sister, but she also wasn’t sure if telling her about Jake was a good idea. She couldn’t tell her about her plan to blackmail Tammy. Lauren would go ballistic if she found out.
“Listen, I was with a guy. But it wasn’t a date and I’m not ready to talk about him yet, so drop the interrogation. Please? I promise I’ll tell you soon.”
Lauren opened her mouth to reply but caught herself. She eyed her sister. “Ok. I’ll let it go. But before I do, I just want you to know it’s awesome to see you so happy, Mads. I don’t know if it’s this new guy, or what, but I haven’t seen you smiling like this in a long time. Whatever it is, I hope it continues.”
Madison returned Lauren’s smile. “Thanks, Laur. And thanks for putting up with me. I know I haven’t been a ray of sunshine lately.”
“Lately?”
Madison laughed, “Ok, for along lately. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I am trying to be happy, Laur. I don’t want to burden you with a miserable sister dwelling in your basement like a depressed troll forever.”
“What?” Lauren’s eyes snapped open, and she sprang up from her seat, wrapping her arms around Madison. “What are you talking about, Mads? I could never see you as a burden. Never. Maisie and I love you so much and I’m so grateful to have you here with us. You make us laugh and you’re there for us and you’re Maisie’s favorite person in the entire world. Don’t you dare ever think of yourself as a burden.”
Madison burst into tears and Lauren continued to hold her while she cried. “I can’t find my way out of it, Laur. Ever since Dad died, it’s like I’m in a grey cloud and I just can’t fucking find my way out of it.”
“I know,” Lauren whispered, running her hand down Madison’s hair.
“Laur, I like this guy, but every time I think about trying to be with someone, it scares the shit out of me. I’m already barely treading water here. Barely keeping my head above the surface. What if I let myself fall for this guy and he leaves me or he fucking dies? I’d fall right off the edge, Laur. Just like Mom. I’d never come back from it.”
Lauren gently took Madison’s shoulders and pulled her back so she could look her in the eyes. “What do you mean, Mads?”
Madison avoided meeting her sister’s eyes. “I mean, I think I’m like Mom. You’re so good at dealing with stuff. Dad was too. You’re both so strong. But I’m not. I’m like Mom. I get in these pits and I can’t get out. Dad’s been dead for two and half years, Laur. And I still wear his shirts every day. I still can’t go into Avery Auto. It’s not normal. I should have, like, dealt with it by now.”
Lauren hugged Madison back into her chest, tighter. “Hun, I don’t even know what ‘dealt with it’ means. And I sure don’t know why you think I am dealing with it any better than you are. But listen, you aren’t Mom, okay? Even if you were, even if you had the same problems as Mom, Mom never got the help she needed. She never went to a doctor or talked to anyone or anything. You remember how Dad told us she got worse after you were born?” Madison nodded. “Well, think about it. Think about what Dad told us about it. The mood swings and the constant crying. Doesn’t that sound like postpartum depression to you? Mom wasn’t broken, Mads, and neither are you. She didn’t get the help she needed, but you can.”
Madison buried her face deeper into her sister’s shoulder. The familiar smell of Lauren’s shampoo comforted and calmed her.
Maybe Lauren was right. Thinking about it now, from what their dad had told the girls about the time before their mother had left, it would make sense she was suffering from postpartum depression. Their father had spoken about their mom with kindness and love, but also with honesty. He told the girls she left because she wasn’t healthy enough to be their mommy and she wanted them to have the best life they could have. And he told them she loved them very much. But, as they grew up and awoke from nightmares without a mom to comfort them back to sleep, and got their first periods without a mom to show them how a tampon worked, and suffered their first heartbreaks without a mom to wipe away their tears, their father’s kind words rang hollow.
“What if I love him and he doesn’t love me back, Laur?” Madison whispered. “What if it’s impossible for someone to love me forever?”
Lauren squeezed her sister as tightly as her small arms would allow. “Listen to me. I love you, and I will love you forever. I promise. Just like I know you’ll love me forever. Dad loved you, and somewhere out there in the universe, maybe he still does.” She took a deep breath and her voice cracked, “And wherever she is, Mom loves us too. I’m so sorry she couldn’t show you in the way you needed her to. But I’ve had a daughter and I’ve held her in my arms, and I’m telling you—Mom loved you. She was sick, and she didn’t get the help she needed. But she loved you. I don’t know what’s going to happen with this guy, but I do know you are a beautiful soul, and you deserve a deep, unwavering, unconditional love.”
Madison broke into deep, gasping sobs and the sisters sat on the hard wooden dining table chairs and cried together.
Eventually, the sobs calmed to a steady trickle of quiet tears, and Madison nudged her sister with her elbow. “Fuck, Lauren. You sure know how to ruin a good mood.”
Lauren laughed and squeezed her closer.
15
Madison
Madison:Hey. Big news. Got another tip from the women on Instagram. There’s a big NorAsana conference/party thing happening in Robsdale tomorrow night. Tammy is notorious for hooking up with her boy-toy at these conferences. Wanna come? I know it’s a long ass drive, and it’s totally last minute, so I understand if you don’t want to come.
Jake: Hey. Sounds promising. I’m in. When and where?
Madison: It’s at the Rosemont. I can pick you up. If we leave around 3:00, we should get there on time, I think.
Jake: You always drive. I’ll pick you up this time. Text me your address. Do I need to wear anything special?
