Page 39 of Real Forever
Lauren rested her head on Madison’s shoulder and whispered, “I think he’s on drugs again, Mads. Either that, or he’s cheating on me.”
Madison clamped her eyes and mouth shut, resisting the overwhelming urge to scream. Doing everything she could to muster up a calm, even tone she replied, “Why do you think he’s on drugs again, Laur?”
“Sometimes he doesn’t come home at night. He’s constantly on his phone and sometimes I’ll hear it buzz and then, like, five minutes later, he says he’s going out for a beer or some shit.”
Lauren buried her face in Madison’s hoodie and cried. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, Mads. I don’t know why he doesn’t just love me. I try so hard to be a good wife and a good mom and it’s not enough. He’s so angry and unhappy all the time and I don’t know why. He hates being at home with us. I can feel his annoyance at just being in the same room as me.”
Madison pulled her sister back by her shoulders and grabbed her chin, locking her face at eye level. Lauren closed her tear-filled eyes and tried to turn away, but Madison wouldn’t allow her to.
“Look at me, Lauren.” Madison stared hard at Lauren. “Look at me,” she repeated, raising her voice.
Lauren grimaced and gingerly met her sister’s intense gaze.
“You have done nothing wrong. You are an incredible wife and an amazing mother. You are loving, and kind, and beautiful, and you are more than enough. You are incredible, Lauren.”
Lauren dissolved into a sobbing heap on the dining room floor. Madison sat down on the floor and enveloped her, holding her as tightly as she could, praying her sister could feel the love aching from Madison for her.
Lauren only lifted her head when she felt Maisie’s small hand on her arm. Neither sister had heard her bare feet tap across the floor toward them. Maisie said nothing, but her concern for her mother was seeping from her eyes. Madison opened up an arm and pulled Maisie into the hug.
18
Jake
Jake stood in the doorway,overcome, as the three Avery girls held each other. In one of her darkest moments, Lauren was being cared for by two people who loved her without condition, who were pouring every ounce of love they could into her. They didn’t criticize her or offer advice or even wipe away her tears. They just sat in silent witness to her pain.
A wave of nausea washed over Jake, and he bolted for the washroom as quietly as he could. Inside, he braced himself against the vanity.
Just focus on my breathing. In… out…. in… out.
His reflection in the mirror was pale and clammy. He turned on the faucet and cupped his hands under the running water.
Feel the water on my skin. Focus on the sensation of the warmth on my skin.
He splashed the water on his face. Again. He unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt and sunk to the floor, leaning back against the tub. His breathing grew quicker, and his thoughts raced.
Just breathe. I’m okay. Just breathe.
No. You can’t breathe. You’re not okay. Jake. You can’t breathe in here. You need to get out of here.
No. I’m fine. Focus. In… out… in… out.
Why are you like this? You stupid fuck. Get it together.
In… out… Stop. No. I’m not stupid. I’m struggling right now but I can control this. I know how to control this.
You can’t control this.
Yes, I can.
You can’t breathe in here.
Yes, I can.
Why isn’t there any air in here? Why is it so hot in here?
For the first time in his adult life, tears streamed down Jake’s face. He choked down a thick sob rising in his throat.
Please. Please stop. Please don’t let Madison find me like this. Please don’t let her hear me. What is happening? Why is this happening to me?
