Page 78 of Anatomy of a Killer
You were a good father.
And a great thinker. As an academic, you wanted to find answers to the questions of life and, as Ludwig said, death is also part of life. But there came a point when theories were no longer enough, were they? You wanted to carry out practical studies and, what was worse, youdidcarry them out, at the expense of the lives of ten little girls, at the expense of entire families.
I can’t believe that the world is still turning. That the sun rises and sets, that I’m breathing and am alive. It all seems so strange and wrong.
At least Eva is feeling better. I visit her almost every day. Two weeks ago she woke up after almost two months in a coma, and has been making fantastic progress since. She can already eat on her own again. And talk. And so I now know the real reason why she came back to Berlin after all these years. She speaks of a feeling, something indefinite that’s been nagging her for many years and which may have influenced many of her life decisions– for example, the decision to leave Berlin, or to become a psychologist. Back in May 2003, when we were ten and Eva got lost in the Grunewald for no apparent reason. She says she doesn’t have a concrete memory of that day; it’s like a black hole in her consciousness, as if she’d blocked it out. All she knows is that you were the one who found her. But sometimes she dreams that you took her there in the first place, claiming that I was waiting there for you.
Was Eva to be your first victim?
She came back to Berlin after hearing about your arrest, with the aim of finding this out. She didn’t say anything to me when she realised how convinced I was of your innocence– she is, after all, a psychologist, which in itself means she’s very circumspect– and anyway, she wasn’t sure herself. We don’t want to accuse you of anything, but there’s no denying she had red hair as a child, just like Larissa Meller, who you abducted shortly afterwards in June 2003.
And there’s something else I’m wondering. Did it ever cross your mind to kill me? Is it possible the girls were merely substitutes? In the darkest moments, I think it might have been better. My life for that of so many others.
Oh, Dad– for Christ’s sake, Dad!
Help me understand it all. It’s not going to change anything; the sentence is fixed– life imprisonment. And for my part, I’m sticking to my guns: I won’t visit you until you’re ready to talk.
Ann
Berlin, 13 May 2018
I was at Ludwig’s yesterday evening. You remember I stayed with him for a while. I imagine he would have gone back to Poland a while ago, but he’s still here– out of concern for me, I think. We drank whisky, a bit like that evening which ended with me thinking he’d slipped a sleeping pill in my drink. Now I know of course that he’d have never done anything like that. I’d been drinking on an empty stomach; I was tired, run-down and paranoid, which was more than enough for a breakdown that evening. I just didn’t want to see it. Like Nathalie, I put together my own puzzle, twisting pieces and simply forcing in corners that didn’t fit. I made connections where there weren’t any, turned coincidences into evidence and simply rewrote the story. Until the end blew up in my face.
Ludwig knows how to cheer me up, but I can see from his face how much he’s suffering too. He’s lost his best friend; we share the pain, the self-reproach, the doubts. And yet he represented you as your lawyer to the very end. I asked him why he didn’t stop acting for you. He replied that he needed his brain to engage with what had happened so he could process it. He recommends I do the same and says I should visit you. But my condition still holds, Dad: I won’t come until you break your silence.
Anyway, yesterday we raised a glass to his birthday as well as to hope. Although, to be honest, having met Nathalie, I’m no longer so certain that hope is exclusively a good thing. I mean, look at me. I got utterly carried away because of a hope. I expect that’s why strangely I also felt such a connection to Nathalie. Subconsciously I recognised myself in her. Her stomach wound has healed without complication, by the way, and the treatment she’s getting in an excellent psychiatric institution seems to be helping her too. I imagine that’s where she’ll stay, because there’s no way the court will send her to a normal prison for having killed Kerstin Seiler, kidnapped Sarah and injured her ex-husband. An assessor has concluded that she wasn’t of sound mind. As it turns out, she’d been living for weeks in the house with Lenia’s body. She bathed and dressed her, read to her, played with her; they even had meals together. Sarah must have ‘met’ Lenia too. Ludwig, who’s keeping me in the loop about her case, says the public prosecutor will argue that Nathalie was sufficiently compos mentis to let Sarah go free on the day they were going to search the upper common, i.e., where Nathalie lived. This was when she buried Lenia’s body too.
‘You can only lose if you try to find sense in madness,’ Ludwig said with a shrug. Then we looked at each other in horror, well aware that this isn’t just true of Nathalie, but you too.
Please, Dad, don’t let me go on begging.
Give me an explanation, finally.
Ann
Berlin, 17 June 2018
I don’t understand why you’re torturing me like this. Isn’t it bad enough that I’ve got to spend the rest of my life bearing the stigma of being the ribbon murderer’s daughter? Don’t you owe me this, for God’s sake? By staying silent, you’re ruining everything that ever made you a good father.
Berlin, 26 June 2018
This is our last chance, Dad. Next week I’m leaving for Cornwall. I’m going to move in with Zoe.
Please!
Berlin, 2 July 2018
If I’m not worth an explanation, then it’s no longer worth me thinking of you as my father.
Farewell.
RECORDING 10
Berlin, 10 May 2021
Do you have children?
No, I don’t. I’m still young and so I’ve got plenty of time left for that. But also, hmm. . . when I work on certain topics like your case, I sometimes think it would be better not to bring any children into this world. Although I haven’t experienced it myself, I think that loving a child must be the most intense emotion there is. But this love can break you too. Saskia E.’s mother committed suicide, did you know that?
