Page 19 of Anatomy of a Killer
‘Memories are only lovely when there’s hope,’ she says. ‘After that they destroy you.’
We say nothing for a while until I find the silence uncomfortable.
‘So, you’re living in Frankfurt now?’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Your number plate.’ I smile. She doesn’t need to know that I often looked for her online, especially in the first few years after she left. Without success. No Eva Harbert on social media or on any company or college websites. She seemed to have vanished like a ghost and I couldn’t even find out from her mother where she was. Although, till yesterday, I’d thought Elke didn’t know herself and had only not said so because she was ashamed. What would people have thought of her? Similarly, I keep it to myself that I even tried talking to Nico. He took off with Eva and came back on his own a few months later, albeit only for a while. He told me to forget it. Eva didn’t want any contact, and I felt as if I’d hit a sore spot. Maybe the rumours were indeed true that he’d got her pregnant and they’d eloped in a flight of romance, but soon realised that they weren’t right for each other.
Eva nods. ‘Of course. For a long time now– in fact, since the beginning. Nico’s got relations in Frankfurt. We stayed with them for a few weeks after leaving Berlin.’
I flinch. Although I’d just been thinking about Nico myself, hearing Eva utter his name feels like a sting.
‘Go ahead and ask me,’ she says, after a quick glance in my direction. ‘Ask me whatever you want.’
‘None of my business.’
‘But you’re interested.’ She laughs. ‘We were together a long time, even if Nico popped back to Berlin for a spell. His father was undergoing chemotherapy and Nico had to help his mother with everything for a while. Then he returned to me in Frankfurt.’
‘I see.’ I swallow a stone. It’s only small, like a pebble from the shore that the tide has smoothed down over the years, and yet I can feel it. I clear my throat. ‘People were speculating you’d become pregnant.’
‘So typical.’ She laughs again. ‘No, in truth I wasn’t pregnant. Nico and I were very much in love and wanted to put all the crap here behind us. It lasted until a few months ago.’
‘Thatisa long time.’
‘Eight years.’ For a while we fall silent again, then she asks, ‘What about you? Anyone in your life?’
‘Yes, but. . . this isn’t probably the right time.’
‘To be happy with another person, you first have to learn to come to terms with yourself.’
‘Amen.’
‘What else? When you told me yesterday about Michelle and the burger joint, you mentioned you were studying again.’
‘Yes: German. Fourth semester. We’ll see if and when I continue. Maybe I’ll change uni or abandon it altogether. I don’t know yet.’
‘Fourth semester?’
I shrug. ‘I took a break after the first two years to travel around France and then I changed subjects. It happens, doesn’t it? Not every CV is without its gaps.’
‘Yes.’ Eva sounds pensive.
‘What?’
‘Talking of CVs without gaps, yesterday you worked out that there were years without any murders. What if that isn’t the case? If the killer was active but the victims escaped before he could murder them?’
I shake my head. ‘Well, they would have gone to the police, don’t you think?’
‘Adults, the parents might have gone to the police. But we’re talking about children here, Ann! What if they didn’t tell their parents anything because they didn’t understand what had happened to them? If they thought it was something else or they were ashamed because they thought they themselves were to blame?’
‘I don’t know, Eva.’
‘Why not? Do you think a child can’t feel shame? Do you think a child wouldn’t wonder what they might have done to deserve it, or whether they’d provoked someone?’
‘Sure, it’s possible, but. . . I think it’s more likely that the killer didn’t keep going merely because he couldn’t. If we get too complicated in our reasoning, we’ll end up overlooking the simplest solution.’
Eva mutters. Neither of us say anything else until we park outside Michelle’s house. ‘Should I come in or wait out here for you?’
