Page 60 of Back to Claim His Crown
‘You look like you’re enjoying it here,’ he said.
Yes, Maia had conspired against her. But while she might have known Lucian was going to surprise her, she’d also ensured Zara was looking her absolute finest when she faced him. Which made Maia atruefriend and ally.
‘Very much,’ she said. ‘Niko and Maia have been wonderful to me. I understand why you chose to stay here.’
‘You prefer it to Monrayne?’
‘It’s very different,’ she answered noncommittally.
He took a breath and stepped closer. ‘When I last left here I thought my future was pretty simple. I’d return to Monrayne, expose Anders, reclaim the throne and do the right thing for my country. I’d strive to be a good King. I would stay focused. Stay selfless. I even made a vow—to do nothing but that for the decade ahead. I promised, Zara. But it was an impossible task. Part of me remains greedy.’
Her heart splintered. ‘Because you’re a human, not a robot.’
He nodded. ‘Right, because I tried to live without half of life’s necessities. No rest. No recreation. No intimate relationship.’
He took off his glasses and she saw the emotion warming his eyes.
‘You think those are necessities now?’ she breathed.
He hesitated a moment. ‘I’ve had a couple sessions with my old therapist because returning was harder to handle than I thought it would be. The panic attack. The sleeplessness...’
‘Most people who’d been through what you’ve been through would be the same. You’ve lost a lot. But Lucian, I was just...’ She cleared her throat. ‘I was in the right place and I was convenient. That’s all. You don’t have to pretend that what happened between us meant anything more than that for you.’
His eyes flared. ‘Zara—’
‘I’m okay. I’m not destroyed—’ she hurriedly interrupted him ‘—I’ve got through lots of tough things and I’ll get through this. Maybe I just latched onto you too because you made me feel...wanted. Certainly not frigid around you, so thank you for that, I guess.’
‘You thank me?’ He stepped closer. ‘Are you saying it wasn’t as precious to you as you said only a few days ago?’
Her heart broke all over again. She couldn’t lie to him. She adored him and right now she was both so happy and so sad she lost the power of speech.
‘No?’ He traced her face softly. ‘You can’t say that?’
She closed her eyes briefly. This wasn’t fair.
‘This is not aconvenience, Zara,’ he whispered. ‘This is not a distraction. This isn’t an alternate kind of comfort-eating through an emotional time.Youare the emotion—all of them.Youare the upheaval. You areeverything. I walked into that damned cathedral, ready to slay the dragon from my past and I took one look at you and promptly forgot who I was and why I was there at all.Everythingfell away and nothing but you mattered.’
‘It was the dress,’ she muttered. ‘It was blinding. There were so many jewels all over it—’
‘It wasn’t the damned dress.’ He laughed on a breath. ‘You turned. Looked at me. You saw me. And I saw you. Here.’ He pressed his hand on his heart but his eyes burned bluer with frustration even as his voice grew softer. ‘But it was impossible. Theworsttiming. You were wounded by Anders, your family. And I was seeking not revenge, butredemption, just as you said. You were right in everything, Zara. I’m trying very hard not to mask my emotions any more. I want to be honest. I need you to believe me. To trust me.’
‘Of course I trust you,’ she muttered. ‘You’ve always been honest with me—’
‘No, I haven’t. I lied to you, Zara. Lied by omission when I didn’t tell you...’
She stilled. ‘Didn’t tell me what?’
‘That I love being with you. That I love you talking incessantly to me. I love trying to make you laugh. I love it when we’re just hanging out. Being with you makes me forget everything bad that ever happened. But the thing is I can’t use you like that. You’re not my therapy dog, remember? I want to be fully present, to be one hundred percent. For Monrayne, yes, but mostly for you. Can you be patient while I get there, Zara?’
‘Are you asking me to wait for you?’
His lips twisted as he shook his head. ‘Maybe a better man would. But I waited a decade before taking the throne back from Anders and I’m not waiting a decade before sorting myself enough to be with you. I don’t want to miss out on any moretime. I want youwithme to do that. I want you to come back with me right now. But I’m going to be working on things for a while. Could you tolerate being around while I do that, do you think?’
He wanted her with him. He wanted to be with her. Because he loved her. And he was still holding himself to overly exacting standards.
‘I’m not exactly perfect and whole myself, you know,’ she muttered. ‘I get nervous in public. I can write, but put me in front of a crowd and I just want to vomit.’ She paused. ‘Except when I’m with you. I don’t feel like throwing up then. I feel courageous around you. After all, I successfully blackmailed you...’
‘You did.’ He smiled.
