Page 43 of Back to Claim His Crown
I hadn’t seen that much of her, but I did notice she was thinner and she seemed more tired. I thought she was just older. I didn’t consider the details as closely as I should have. It was a surprise to me when she asked me to defer going to university for a year and shadow her working in the stateroom. I realise now that perhaps she knew her time was limited and she wanted to train me while she could. But I wasn’t gracious in my acceptance of her request. My trade-off was to have one last holiday. I insisted on it like the spoilt little prince I was.’
‘Had she told you she was unwell?’
He sucked in a painful breath. ‘Only right before I left. Because she asked me to take Anders with me. You can imagine I wasn’t enthused. That’s when she said she wasn’t well—a small tumour, she said. I was shocked and didn’t ask the right questions. I made some noises about not going, but she said she wanted to see both Anders and me have a nice break together before we got to work. So we went.’ He frowned. ‘It was ovarian cancer. They found it late, but there could have been more time. There should have been. But when I went missing the stress destroyed her. It was so fast, Zara. It monstered her.’
He couldn’t bear to think of his mother lying so unwell and so alone. He should have been there to support her.
‘She’d already lost so much. It’s unfathomable to me how Anders could put her through more when she’d given him so much. But I’d been just as cruel. I’d been careless and self-centred. And the truth is I’m still not who I need to be. I’m not a worthy heir to her Crown. And I’m not the man for you.’
‘You don’t think you’re being a little hard on yourself?’ Zara said quietly. ‘What teenager hasn’t been the centre of their own universe? What young adult hasn’t wanted to go on holiday at the beach?’
‘If I hadn’t made that choice then the accident wouldn’t have happened. My mother wouldn’t have died sooner than she should have and even more heartbroken, as she did.’
‘You’re not blaming yourself for your own attempted murder, are you? Or for the death of your mother from cancer? You’re powerful, Lucian, but notthatpowerful.’
‘I lacked critical judgement. My choice set in motion a cascade of events, and it hastened her death. She suffered greatly and it was utterly avoidable.’
‘And that was Anders’s fault, not yours.’
Zara was heartbroken for him. ‘It sounds to me like she wanted you to go have that last summer of fun.’ She paused. ‘But now you don’t allow yourself that. Is this why you live a life of personal denial? Because you think you don’t deserve it?’
‘Because I need to put my dutyfirst,’ he corrected. ‘I need to remain focused on Monrayne. That’s my vow—the decade I was away is the decade the country gets. Fully focused. By then I’ll be better at it. Because I know that when I get distracted by personal wants or impulses, my choices aren’t always wise. Look at me now...’
Yes, this wasn’t wise.
‘None of us make wise choices all of the time. We’re not perfect, remember? Don’t you think you deserve to have it all at some time in the future?’ she asked. ‘I want that for me. You should want that for you too.’
He shook his head. ‘I can’t fail my country. Or my mother’s memory.’
‘You’re worried you can’t live up to her. You already do, Lucian. You’re a good King. You’re a good listener.’
‘You’re wrong. I didn’t listen closely enough to her. And I didn’t see how bad Anders was becoming.’
‘Because you were young too. And his betrayal was a shocking, terrible thing. Realising that someone you thought you knew was nothing like you imagined, that they’re capable of cruelty... It makes you doubt everything.Especiallyyourself.’
She felt disillusioned by her own family. She’d been willing to do what was asked of her. She’d supported them. Yet they’d not stayed to support her. And that hurt. Desperately. Lucian had been left alone too. He had lost his family. His country. His sense of purpose. His belief in his ability to do and be what his job required. So he’d not come back for a while, and she didn’t blame him.
‘You didn’t come back for revenge. You came back forredemption,’ she realised. ‘But you’re already a worthy King, Lucian. You might have made youthful mistakes but you’re more than good enough as you are. You can do your job and have an actual life. You shouldn’t carry this burden and you don’t have to sacrifice anything else. You should have everything. In fact you’ll be a better King if you do.’
He was silent. She realised he disagreed. He was punishing himself for perceived failures from so long ago and he wouldn’t change his mind on what he believed he needed to do. His decade of duty. He would stick to his plan.
She had to do the same. She had to reach for what she’d long wanted, and that was her independence. Getting further entangled with Lucian would only risk that.
‘I’m not sorry we did this, but I think we both know we can’t do it again,’ she whispered.
He looked at her sombrely. ‘Zara—’
She silenced him with a shake of her head. ‘You need to focus on your duty and I need to find my freedom.’
Instinct told her that if she stayed much longer her heart would be trapped here for good. He had such a complete effect on her.
‘So once we leave this room?’
‘It ends. We both have things that need our full attention.’
‘You don’t want this to become an affair now? You said yourself you’re not going to be here long.’
She reached for the courage he’d told her she had and whispered the uncomfortable truth. ‘I’m scared I’ll end up wanting more. And that can’t happen.’ Even though she had the horrible feeling it might already have. ‘It’s just really bad timing, Lucian.’
