Page 56 of Back to Claim His Crown
‘I’ll use sun lotion and cover up.’
‘You’ll still be too hot.’
‘I’ll get used to it.’
‘You’ll miss the snow.’
‘I’ll get used to missingmanythings. People adjust to new circumstances when they have no choice.’
‘It won’t be enough.’
‘Friends and a warm welcome won’t be enough?’ she challenged. ‘It was for you. Why not me?’ She was so hurt. ‘I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere where I don’t have to be a princess. Where I don’t have to be a disappointment and where I don’t have to bedisappointed.’
‘You should have more.’
‘Thenoffer me more,’ she snapped back.
He froze.
‘You don’t want to,’ she said quietly. ‘You’rescared. You’re clinging to an impossible ideal of self-control and sacrifice as if it can somehow make you worthy and keep yousafe.I don’t blame you. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve endured. But I can understand the loneliness.’ She lifted her head. ‘It shouldn’t be like that for always. You have too much to give.’
‘There’s nothing.’ He was barely audible.
‘Not true.’
‘There’s nothing Iwantto give.’
And there it was.
‘You don’twantanyone to truly care about you,’ she said. ‘Because you don’t care about yourself.’
Hehatedhimself. It wasn’t Anders who was his real enemy at all.
‘You can carry the Crown, Lucian, but to carry someone’s heart... To accept their love? That’s impossible for you. You’re so guilt-ridden you struggle to accept the respect of your subjects. You can hardly accept tenderness from me. Sex, yes. But an act of caring—of compassion?’ She shook her head. ‘This is totally the wrong time for you. Totally. You’re busy. And you don’t want this. And I’m so very sorry for you.’
‘So it’s pity not love you feel. I thought you were brave,’ he snarled. ‘Ready to take on the world as you want it.’
‘That’s exactly what I am doing,’ she said. ‘I want independence but I don’t believe that equates to emotional isolation the way you do. To me they’re two very different things. We would want different things in our marriage.’
‘What do you think I would want?’
‘Stability, security. Everything you’ve said. Perhaps to protect me, also. Because you pity me and you take on guilt even when you’re not responsible. Because we’re good in bed together. At least for now. You think you can keep yourself safe for ever. But you can’t. It’s impossible. You can’t even accept a little help.’
He’d just offered her what she desperately wanted and it was the worst feeling ever because it wasn’t for thereasonsshe needed.
‘Icanaccept help till I get on my feet,’ she said proudly. ‘I know I can’t do everything all on my own, all of the time. You can’t either. But you won’t admit that. You won’t even see it.’
‘Don’t think you need to fix me.’
‘Neither of us need to befixed,’ she snapped. ‘But you need toforgiveyourself. You need to heal. I can’t do it for you. And youcan’tknow what you really want until you’ve processed that.’
‘And how do you know what you really want?’ he jeered.
‘By knowing what Idon’twant. And I don’t want this.’ She dragged in a painful breath. ‘I actually do need you to be my friend, Lucian. I need you to putmywellbeing ahead of your own temporary desires,’ she said. ‘I know you don’t want to hurt me. I know you’veneverwanted to hurt me. And this would.’
‘I am not as honourable as you seem to think.’ His control slipped. ‘Thisis not whatIwant, Zara.’
‘Well, we don’t always get what we want. Not even kings.’ She finally lost it. ‘Find someone as heartless as yourself,’ she said. ‘Because that’s not me.’
