Page 31 of The Burning
We stared at one another. I wasn’t going there with him. I couldn’t. Even if Karina never spoke to me again, she had told me things I would never, ever repeat to anyone, even Fischer.
“What-the-fuck-ever. I don’t want to talk about that shit, anyway.” I ran my hand over my shaved head. “Anyway, maybe I’ll go to Atlanta sooner than I had planned. I could work faster on renovating the house I just bought there and hope to make enough money in profit that I can look in and around my hometown, where the real estate’s way cheaper than in a big city like Atlanta. The sooner I pay back my VA loan on this duplex, the sooner they’ll give me another loan.”
The profit wouldn’t be massive at first, but I had to start somewhere, and pretty much any soldier could get a VA home loan. As it should be. Serving your country should at least offer you the privilege of owning your own house.
“Hey, at least you have options, and a place to live. I don’t even have a hometown. I’m jobless and homeless,” Fischer said, not really complaining, just stating the facts.
He was such a contradiction: the most confident—and the least confident—dude I’d ever met.
“Haven’t you ever heard you shouldn’t compare yourself with others?” I laughed.
“Yeah, I think I read that on a T-shirt somewhere.”
“Hey, at least you have a dad.”
He laughed. “Fair. But not a mom.”
“Well, shit. Touché.”
We were both smiling, shaking our heads and joking about the heavy reality of our lives. It felt good for the time being, knowing everyone had shit that affected them that they fought to deal with. Taking the air out of the shit we couldn’t control was our release. We had to have one. Well, outside of the beers in our hands.
“You have your sister,” I said.
Both of our energies got a bit more serious. I felt on edge at my own mention of her. Austin’s second beer was nearly empty.
“She’s barely speaking to me. Not that she doesn’t have every right to be pissed, but she tried to kick me out when I first got there. At the end of the day, she let me stay there and shower and shit, and, like I said, she holds grudges like you’ve never seen.”
I looked at him, but my mouth outpaced my judgment before I could stop it and my instinct was to defend Karina.
“Yeah, you’ve made that clear, but against who? Your mom, who left her, or your dad, who doesn’t act like he gives a fuck about her while simultaneously trying to control her, or you, who keeps trying to fuck your life up?”
Fischer looked at me like he wanted to deck me. “Fuck you. You’re a part of this now, too.” He pointed at me. “You’ll be the one to get it now. I’m the one who asked you not to tell her, and she’s never going to forgive you. She has to talk to me—we shared a womb. But don’t be surprised when she acts like you never existed. So, like I said, my sister isn’t like other girls who you can just say sorry to and get them flowers and they’ll forgive you.”
Karina and I seemed to have the same coping mechanisms. Grudges and self-preservation were our top priorities. People who forgave others too easily were weak and always taken advantage of. I wouldn’t expect Karina to forgive and forget. I respected her more than that.
“I’m not asking her for forgiveness,” I told him, sour regret filling my mouth.
Fischer’s brows drew into a line and he rolled his eyes that were too big for his face, which helped his whole puppy-dog look. I knew he wanted to say something, but thank fuck for his sake—he didn’t.
“I thought we agreed to stop talking about your sister.” I rubbed my temples with my free hand. My beer was half full, sitting pathetically on the counter. I was increasingly jealous of the people around me who could numb with alcohol. It seemed to increase my emotional state, not dumb it down.
“You’re the one who brought her up. But yes, please, for the love of fucking god, let’s stop. I wanna hear what the hell there is to do in Atlanta that you love so much. I haven’t been in years.” He made a face like a lightbulb went off inside his head. “We should have gone there instead of this camping shit, but now everyone’s obsessed with it, so it’s too late.”
“And cheaper, since you don’t have to pay for any of it—you probably didn’t think about it,” I said with a bitter smile. “Well, not that you’ll even know what I’m talking about, but for starters, there are a ton of movies being shot in and around the city because of the tax credits, so I want to get in before the real estate skyrockets any more than it already has. On top of that, there’s always something to do. It’s not sleepy like this place. I can live my life in silence.” I waved the beer through the air.
“Silence in the city?” Fischer pondered.
“Yes. So many people around that no one will notice me. And the food. Nothing here, or anywhere in the States, compares to it.”
I hadn’t been to many places, so it wasn’t like I had much of an elevated culinary opinion. I did try different things when I could, but I only traveled where the Army sent me, and there was no such thing as tourist shit when the Army shipped you somewhere. I’d been to Germany once, but never left the airport. I had a pretzel in the airport. And a bag of Skittles. But with food, there is an instinct that comes along with just knowing what works, from Skittles to culinary level.
“Also, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m not going on that fucking camping trip.” I had already made up my mind when the group started talking about it. I’ve slept under the stars for hundreds of nights, why do it willingly?
“Come on. It’s for my birthday. Our last time as a group for who knows how long?” I could see how Fischer so easily manipulated every situation; even I was beginning to be swayed.
“Not a chance in hell.”
“My sister is coming,” he said under his breath. My eyes shot up to his and I guzzled my beer. It was warm now, even more gross than before.
