Page 19 of The Burning
“You mean in general? Or right now, today?” he asked.
“Both? Either?” I looked around the packed parking lot.
“Well, right now, I’m not sure. Martin said he punched a window, or a door? Or maybe it was the glass window on the door? I can’t remember honestly. But looks like he’ll be all right. And overall, he’s . . . well, he’s got some fucking wicked PTSD. They went through some shit over there together and I think Mendoza is having a harder time than the rest of them.”
I knew by sayingthem, he was including Kael. I was glad he didn’t say his name; it somehow would have made it worse than the chill that blanketed my skin as I thought about the normalcy of all of this. Not one person in the ER seemed fazed by an intoxicated man bleeding through a makeshift tourniquet.
Austin ran his fingers through his sandy hair, which almost touched his ears. Long for him. It would be buzzed off Army style soon enough.
“Mendoza has been really fucked up lately. He’s been like this since I met him, but Martin says he’s gotten a lot worse. He’s having a really rough time now and I’m sure having a new baby doesn’t help the pressure he’s feeling. Everybody’s saying his wife is going to leave him if he doesn’t get his shit together, but I don’t think she would ever leave him. Their love is . . . just different.”
Selfishly, I wondered if I would ever know how it felt to have a love like that.
“But it’s hard. He’s really struggling and what’s he supposed to do about it? If he tells someone, they’ll lock him up somewhere . . . and if he doesn’t, he’ll continue to do shit like this to cope.” Austin sounded more mature than I’ve ever, in ourentirelives, heard him sound. Maybe he was ready to be a soldier after all? Or maybe he really cared about Mendoza. Perhaps both.
“How many deployments did he have? He came back with Kael this time, right?” I asked.
My brother seemed to know way more about this group than I did. Sometimes the details of everyone’s deployments confused me—the timelines, the last names, the drama—and Kael wasn’t exactly a great interpreter. He didn’t like to talk about the Army or what he had done or seen. When I thought about it, it felt like I had written and published an entire memoir for him and only him. It would have been nice to at least get a how-to pamphlet as a parting gift from him. Instead, I couldn’t even get his eyes to meet mine for longer than a second inside the hospital, despite the fact that he’s walking around full of my secrets.
“Yeah. Mendoza and Martin got sent home together because of their injuries. Phillip’s weren’t as bad I guess, but I heard when their Humvee caught on fire—”
“Injuries?”
Austin started to cough and rolled the window down more.
“Are you smoking still?” I asked him. Our conversation was bouncing all over the place, but so was my mind. I couldn’t keep it in a straight line even if I tried.
“Shh. Doesn’t have anything to do with anything. Anyway, I don’t really know Phillips that well, but he was Martin’s battle buddy. I don’t love that El is married to him or how he is with her.”
I sighed. Austin was slipping into soldier mode already. I started the car and pulled out onto the road, turning the radio on. And since when was Elodie’s married life any of his concern?
“‘Battle buddy’? You’re already using the lingo—and, wait. So, is Phillip’s last name Phillips or is his first name Phillip?” It had never occurred to me that Elodie was calling him Phillip this whole time.
Austin laughed. “You and I have been using the lingo since we were kids. And his name is Phillip Phillips.” He laughed a little. “Like that girl from high school, Kristy Kristie.”
I smiled at the memory of her. She was funny and loud but in a nonobnoxious way. I wondered what her life was like now. Austin turned the radio down so low that I couldn’t hear it anymore.
“When you said injuries, did you mean he got hurt orjustPTSD?”
“I wouldn’t say it’s just PTSD. You know mental trauma can be much, much worse than physical sometimes . . .” He pulled out a little cartridge from his pocket and took a drag of it. Vapor filled my car.
“Hey!” I rolled his window down all the way.
“I quit smoking cigarettes and weed. You should be proud.”
I sighed as he took another hit. “I am, but you’re still smoking.”
“Why do you want to know so much about Mendoza, anyway?” he asked, licking his lips.
“I’m just—” I tried to think of an answer between the truth and a lie. “I just want to know. Especially if these are your friends now.”
“Kare, a lot of shit goes wrong in the military, yes. And if you look for shit, you’ll find it. But overall, life is easier there. There’s structure, hot meals every day. I wish you would just think about the good things and not obsess over the bad.”
And this was going to be our new dynamic: me, split right down the middle on how to feel. In order to have Austin be open with me, I needed to accept his decision and hope for the best. But I couldn’t help how pissed I was, no matter how hard I tried to bury it.
“I’m asking because I want to know if he’s okay. I’m worried about Mendoza. Kael is always with him, helping him through some kind of episode or talking him off a ledge. If his wife leaves him . . .” I paused to try to swallow the lump in my throat. “That will be awful.”
“Yeah. He will go off the deep end for sure if Gloria leaves him but I’m telling you—she won’t. They have three kids and have been together since high school. Plus, no one can handle him like she can. Except Martin.”
