Page 83 of The Burning
I started typing into the search bar on my Instagram.
“Well, because women on the internet look like this.” I showed him the latest bikini picture of a popular Instagram model living a lavish life with a surgically crafted body. I followed her only as a point of comparison with myself: while she was in Bali on the edge of a mountain in a tiny, tiny orange bathing suit, I was sitting on my couch with cheese-puff-stained fingers, wishing Kael would text me like he’d promised to. I had barely heard from him today, even though he said he would text me when he got out of his discharge orientation that supposedly ended at seven o’clock, already an hour ago.
“No one looks like that in real life.” Austin grabbed the phone from my hand and tossed it onto a pillow on the floor. “Trust me, I’ve met girls online and when we met in person—” Elodie shot Austin a look of disgust and he stopped midsentence. “Just saying, don’t compare yourselves to edited photos.”
“You don’t get it because you don’t have the same pressures that we do,” I explained, peeling the now-dry sheet mask off my face and tossing it onto the table. Elodie did the same, but she balled hers up and put both of ours into her empty snack bowl.
It was beyond fucked up how much I criticized my own body, my mind, my emotions, whereas I was quick to defend Elodie when she put herself down. I knew the unattainable beauty standard was beyond toxic, but I couldn’t help it. So many people had paid a lot of money to brainwash me through media and marketing since childhood, and my obsessions were nearly impossible to undo.
“Well Martin seems to like you, orange-stained fingers and all,” my brother laughed. I used my cheese-puff-stained middle finger to flip him off.
“Speak of the devil,” he said, looking to his side, toward the front door.
I popped up off the couch. “Kael! You’re here.”
I didn’t care to hide my excitement as I wiped my fingertips on my shorts. If I hadn’t missed him so much, I would have been embarrassed by the hardened mask on my hair or that he may have heard the conversation with my brother and Elodie.
“I rang your doorbell.” He shrugged. “But it must be broken.”
I sighed. Of course it was.
“I’ll add it to the list,” I told him as he closed the door and started to take his boots off.
“How’d it go?” my brother asked him.
Kael was focused on Austin and that gave me the opportunity to take him in without anyone noticing. He was wearing his ACUs and his clean-shaven face highlighted his sharp jawline and intense dark eyes. I studied him as he knelt down, his fingers hooked around the laces, to undo the heavy tan boots on his feet.
“Fine. It ran long because some dumbass kept asking the same questions over and over.”
“So? What’s the verdict? Good news, bad news, no news?” Austin pressed him for information.
“Come on! Tell us!” Elodie pleaded.
Apparently this appointment was something they both knew about? When he mentioned it to me, Kael hadn’t made it sound important. I felt a sting of jealousy.
“Well . . .” he started to say, looking directly at me. “They’re letting me out of the Army. With a medical discharge.”
“Fuck yeah!” Austin put the bowl on my table and sat up taller, kneeling now. He cheered like he was watching a sporting event.
“I’m pretty much all cleared, just have some reintegration classes and physical therapy to complete, but they’re letting me out. I can’t believe it.” He closed his hand over his chin, halfway hiding his smile.
I suddenly wanted to be with Kael without an audience. He looked so youthful and elated with the close proximity of freedom beaming off him. His optimism was infectious, even I had to fold my lips in to stop from grinning. I was just about to say something when Austin stood up to hug Kael, breaking our eye contact. He hit his hands hard against Kael’s back and I wiped at my eyes, selfishly wishing Elodie and my brother weren’t here.
“Just like that? No strings attached?” Austin asked when Kael pulled back from him.
Seeing Austin’s brotherly affection toward Kael surprised me every time. I had never seen him like that with any of his other friends and acquaintances. Their relationship made me feel like someone else was looking out for Austin and that gave me a little peace of mind.
On the other hand, it made me sad knowing they would more than likely drift apart and eventually lose contact once Austin left for basic training. I didn’t want to think about the date approaching; it was coming up very, very soon. My stomach knotted at the thought. There was so much change happening around me, I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle.
“I’m not stupid enough to think there aren’t any strings attached. This is the United States Army we’re talking about here,” Kael said in a clipped tone. “But I’ll take what I can get. At least it’s one step closer. It came faster than I thought. Even my first sergeant said someone must have pulled some strings.”
“What happens now? You’re not moving away yet, are you?” Elodie asked. “Phillip will be back—” Her meek voice was more of a plea than a statement.
Austin looked at her and then at me. I couldn’t read the expression on his face.
“Atlanta’s been the plan for a while now. It’s just a question of when. I thought it would be months before I heard anything about getting discharged.” Kael paused. “It takes some guys over a year to get out, but here I am. I haven’t had time to process what happened today.”
He walked around the couch, closer to where I stood, and his uniform socks left marks on my old hardwood floors that I knew I wouldn’t ever want to erase. Sometimes when I looked at him, I felt like he belonged here, like he was going to be a permanent part of my life. His stamp was already all over my house, from the shower to the porch light to my bed.
