Page 111 of Smoke Screen
“I like her. A lot. I’m comfortable with her. She’s amazing. Andkind. Do you even get how rare that is? Particularly with the company I keep. She has no motives. She doesn’t use people.”
“Idon’tknow that, but you’ve spent time with her, so if you say so, I believe you.”
“I say so. And Zeke is going to lose his mind. She didn’t steal those pieces. I know it.”
“Yeah. I’m not buying that, either. She’s a Girl Scout leader. We clear her and you two live happily ever after.” Cruz smacked his hands together. “Good talk.”
Phin gawked. “That’s your solution? I’m drowning and you’re waving goodbye?”
At that, Cruz laughed and sat back again, rocking in his chair. “I’d like to. Believe me. I don’t know what to say. You like her. You’re comfortable with her. What are you afraid of?”
Afraid. There was that damned word again. But the bigger one, the one that got Phin’s attention? Comfortable.
Comfort meant intimacy. Caring.
Taking the schmoozer mask off and letting her know him, know the hurt buried down deep that he’d refused to give oxygen until now. Until Maddy got him all kinds of stirred up.
Thoughts of social events, parties,women,invaded his mind. How the hell would he do his job? He wasn’t even sure he could operate without using his looks to move women along.
Another nasty little secret.
What had he let himself become?
All this time, he’d done the job, didn’t think too hard, and all was fine. Fine, fine, fine.
Except, Maddy.
With her, he could hit pause and live in the moment. Something he’d never done. Pausing meant time to think. And thinking? For him?
Not good.
Thinking meant obsessing over things he couldn’t change. Like becoming a man whore in order to do his job and fulfill his responsibilities to his family.
My fault.
“I’m basically a man whore,” he said. “We know that, right?”
Cruz’s jaw dropped. “Fuck is this now? Are you high?”
“Stone-cold sober. We don’t talk about it, but come on, it’s not beneath me to use sex to get information. Sometimes, it’s necessary.”
“That doesn’t make you aman whore.”
Phin waved it off. “That’s not the problem. Crazy asthatsounds.”
A somewhat funny gagging sound came from Cruz who smacked himself on the head with both hands. “What are wetalkingabout?”
How to explain this? Phin let out a breath. “I’m willing to use sex to get what we need. I never force it, but, hey, if there’s a mutual spark, and it happens,” he shrugged, “it happens. Consenting adults. No commitment. Until Maddy came along. Now, my thinking is all screwed up. I’m analyzing too much. Getting comfortable with a woman—with Maddy, the Girl Scout leader—means revealing myself and I’m not exactly proud of who I’ve become.”
There. Said it. Oddly enough, it felt like someone had lifted a building off him, all the weight suddenly gone and letting him breathe. “Until Maddy, I did the job and didn’t think too hard. Thinking, for me, is a downward spiral that leads to the fact that it’s all my fault.”
“I’m so confused.What’syour fault?”
“I could have gone into politics. I chose BARS instead. My ego lets me pretend my anger is with BARS, but really, it’s me I’m angry at.”
“Why are you angry about BARS?”
The question came from behind him. From Zeke.
