Page 147 of Shadow Queen
“In case you need to fend me off?” he asked.
Her brow tensed as her eyes grew wider, and her lips parted with silent dismay.
His attempt at humor had failed. “The knife,” he tried to explain.
“Oh.” She looked down and stared at it for a moment, then looked back at him, seeming to wait for what he would do next.
But he didn’t know what to do next, or what to say. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked. Then he cursed himself. Why would he ask her that? She obviously didn’t want to do this.
“Need we undress fully?” she asked, avoiding his question.
He shook his head. “No. Of course not.” He hadn’t expected it. He didn’t know what he expected. He had tried not to think of it. “If you want to go to the bedchamber, I’ll give you a few moments.”
She stood frozen, as if contemplating fleeing or fighting. He felt like fleeing himself, if he was honest. But she nodded stiffly and turned down the hall to the back room.
Soren pulled off his cloak, and his fingers struggled with the buckles of his weapon’s strap and spaulder. He wasn’t sure why he had even worn them. He wasn’t going to battle. Habit, perhaps, or comfort. But comfort still escaped him.
He wasn’t sure how much time to give her, or how much time he should spend with her. He didn’t want to draw it out, but he didn’t want to be callously swift. The tension in his shoulders grew. He rubbed his hand over his face, trying to calm his own nerves. Soren had been with women before, but this was different. Mikael loved her and entrusted him with her care.
Soren walked down the hall and gave a small knock on the door before opening it slowly. Salara stood, still in her dress, but the small pile of clothes on the chair suggested she had removed her undergarments. The knife lay on top of them, and he was appreciative of that. He still suspected he might not leave without another battle scar. He almost wanted one—this would wound her, and it only seemed fair he suffered the same.
She waited by the bed, and he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Every sound rang loud in his ears—the latch of the door, his footfalls, even his own heartbeat. So loud. And she watched him warily.
Soren supposed he should initiate; she certainly wasn’t going to take what she needed from him. He moved toward her, slowly unfastening his belt and untying his breeches. She backed toward the bed, and he followed. But as he reached for her, she shrank back, bumping up against the carved corner post.
“I don’t want to do this,” she blurted. She sucked in a breath and shook her head. “I don’t want to do this.”
He stopped. Did she mean for him to stop? It sounded like he should stop. Should he try to reassure her? Talk her into continuing? That didn’t feel right. But not wanting to do something and notactuallydoing something were two different things. He didn’t want to be here, yet here he was. That argument didn’t sound right either. He looked around the room, searching for what to do next, but there was nothingtodo.
So he just nodded. “All right.”
She let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. I thought I could, but I can’t.”
“All right,” he said again. He looked around the room again. Clearly, she didn’t find him tolerable. He cursed himself. He should have covered his markings. Should he go?
“I’ll… I’ll go,” he said.
He moved back toward the door, but as she sank onto the bed and buried her face in her hands, he stopped. Crying had never bothered Soren before. He found it annoying more than anything else.
But he didn’t like Salara crying.
Worry sat heavy in his chest. He had never wanted to be gentle. Kind. Safe. Not until now. Curse this wretched woman for making him feel things.
“Are… are you all right?” he asked her.
She pulled her face from her hands and gaped at him, as if surprised he was speaking to her kindly. As she should be, he supposed. When had he ever been kind to her?
He moved to the bed and sat down beside her. He didn’t look at her, but he knew her eyes were still on him.
And they sat.
“I’m sorry,” he said finally, breaking the silence. “If you could have chosen, this might have been easier for you.”
She looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. “I did choose. And I chose you.”
His eyes darted to her as he turned. That couldn’t be true. “Why would you do that?”
“Because you love Mikael, you’ll protect him and Kharav, protect this secret.” She swallowed and sucked in an uneven breath. “And you won’t guilt me with the shame of our sin.” She put her face back in her hands. “I can’t believe I even considered this, though.”
