Page 56 of With Love, from Cold World
“That was my first instinct,” she said. “To come in here and talk to you about it. I should’ve listened to that voice, instead of the one that said this was an open loop that neededto be closed, that I would be able to move on once things wereeven, at least...”
He stood up, not caring when the chair banged against his desk and sent several pencils rolling to the floor. “What are you talking about? What do you mean byeven?”
Her cheeks were pink as she struggled to get the last button in its hole. The entire shirt was misbuttoned, the hem hanging lower on one side, but if she didn’t notice he wasn’t about to point it out now.
“Wait,” he said, her earlier words clicking into place. “Is this back to the fact that you came and I didn’t? Because sex doesn’t have to work that way. Give-and-take doesn’t mean it has to be a transaction.”
She gave a little growl, but whether it was at him or at her shirt, he couldn’t tell. She’d clearly just realized her mistake and was starting to redo each button to make them straight again. “I know that. But I also don’t want you to see me as some kind of charity case.”
Charitycase? The very phrase made him irrationally angry, and he didn’t even know at who. Anyone in the past who’d made Lauren feel that way, himself if he’d contributed to it in some way without knowing... Lauren, for not giving herself or him more credit than that.
“You’re going to have to make up your mind about me,” he said, his voice low. “Because you used to think I was some hedonistic slacker who only cared about a good time, and now suddenly I’m this altruistic philanthropist giving out orgasms like UNICEF went into sex work. I can’t be both of those guys, and if you actually paid attention you might see that I’m neither of them.”
She’d finally stopped messing with her shirt, every button in its rightful place. When she spoke, she directed her wordsmore toward the cactus lamp than him. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m really not good at this kind of thing.”
She shrugged, but he wouldn’t let her off the hook that easily.
“What kind of thing?”
“And I’m sorry if I made you share your ideas for Cold World,” she said, ignoring his question. “I won’t steal them or use them against you or whatever. I play fair.”
He ran his hand through his hair, exasperated by her even mentioning the presentations. Did she think he gave a fuck aboutCold Worldright then? “You seem fixated on fairness,” he said. “But honestly, it doesn’t feel like you’re treating me all that fairly right now.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Stopsayingthat,” he burst out. “You said your first instinct was to come talk to me, so do that.Tellme. What do you want?”
Ever since Kiki had interrupted them, Lauren had been retreating further and further away. Not just in distance, although that, too. He could tell by the way her face shuttered, by the fact that she was barely looking him in the eye. He’d wanted to jolt her back, somehow get through to her, and that question seemed to break through whatever barrier she’d put up. She turned on him, her eyes blazing.
“Iwantto be more like you,” she said. “Okay? I really do. I wish I could hang out with people and not constantly worry that I’ll say or do the wrong thing and mess it all up. I wish I could be brave enough to dye my hair or get a tattoo. I wish I could have casual sex and enjoy it for what it is. I wish I could be carefree, and easy, and not a giantwet blanketall the time, but that’s just not how I’m built.”
A sucker punch to the gut would’ve been easier to braceagainst. At least the impact would’ve been concentrated, and over quickly. “Well,” he said. “If it’s not fun, don’t do it, right? That’s always been my motto.”
If she caught his sarcasm, her expression didn’t flicker. She stared at him wordlessly as he opened the door, glancing out to make sure the coast was fairly clear. The last thing he needed right now was a run-in with any of his housemates, especially Kiki.
“I’ll walk you out to your car,” he said.
She stood in the middle of his room for a moment, her fingers playing with the hem of her shirt, and he wondered what he would do if she wouldn’t leave. He wouldn’t have the heart not to hear her out if she had more to say, didn’t trust himself to resist anything physical. The truth was that he didn’t want her to go. But he also couldn’t have her stay if that was how she saw him, how she saw whatever burgeoning thing had been growing between them.
Finally she moved, passing him carefully in the doorway to avoid even the slightest touch. “You don’t have to,” she said. “I’m just parked by the mailbox.”
He ignored her, opening the front door to step out into the slight chill of the night. A cold front was coming through, which normally would’ve made Asa happy, excited at the prospect of a possiblecoldChristmas, if not the white one they never got in Florida. But it was hard for him to enjoy it as he watched Lauren climb into her car and drive away.
Chapter
Seventeen
It was five o’clock on a Friday night, which meant all the little tables near the hot chocolate stand were taken. Lauren shouldn’t have been surprised—especially this close to Christmas—but it still complicated her plans a bit. Eddie’s caregiver, Jolene, was supposed to be bringing him by in the next few minutes, and Lauren had told her and the caseworker to meet up by the tables. It had seemed like a logical place at the time, but now that Lauren saw how impossible it would be to find a table to sit together, she was seeing the issues with the plan.
She spotted Marcus, sitting by himself nursing a hot chocolate, and decided to see when he might be leaving.
“Sorry to bother you,” she said, approaching the table a little hesitantly. She didn’t know Marcus very well, although he’d always seemed nice enough. “But are you going to be using this table for a while? It’s fine if you are, but I wondered—”
“Oh,” he said, getting up and jostling his drink in the process. He set down a few books he’d been holding, adjusting the crooked lid back on his cup. “No, no, take it. I was about to head home.”
Lauren smiled, trying to make a conscious effort to befriendly. She and Marcus had technically worked together for a year, although their jobs had no overlap. But the last week especially had made Lauren reflect on how isolated she was at work—she’d been avoiding Kiki since the incident in Asa’s room, and she couldn’t tell if she’d been avoiding Asa, too, or if that was coming from him. Either way, she’d barely seen him around Cold World since it had happened.
“I didn’t know you read romance,” she said, pointing at the books. The top one was calledBig Duke Energyand had an illustration of a muscular man tossing his head back as if in the throes of passion, his long hair streaming behind him.
