Page 91 of With Love, from Cold World
“I’m really not looking to get in the middle of it,” Kiki said. “I want to be your friend, obviously I’m still his friend, but all I’ll say is that your stories don’t match.”
“He said he couldn’t do it anymore!” Lauren said, feeling the corners of her eyes burn even at the memory of those words. She didn’t know what Asa was telling his housemates, but she rememberedthatpart very clearly.
“Oh my god.” Kiki set her drink down on the table, as if she needed full use of her hands to have this discussion. “It would be hilarious, what clowns you both are, if it weren’t for the fact that you’re both miserable to be around. He meant he didn’t want tohidewith you anymore, Lauren. Think about it. He spent years hiding relationships from his dad. He lovedyou, he wanted to be with you, he just wanted you to acknowledge it.”
Lauren rewound through the conversation in her head. She was ashamed that it hadn’t even occurred to her, that part about his dad. He’d never seen any need for them to hide their relationship at work, but he’d gone along with it, because she’d said it made her more comfortable. He hadn’t said how uncomfortable it madehim, but she should’ve seen it.
“Why didn’t he just say that?” Lauren asked, her voice small.
“Because you were rushing to tell him just how fine it all was! And how, by the way, his job isn’t going anywhere. And how you only dated for a week, so it should all be fine, right?”
Wow, Asa reallyhadtold Kiki everything. Thinking back on that conversation through that lens, she saw how awful it all sounded. How cold she’d been. How she’d shut down, and shut him out.
“I thought...”
Lauren wanted to finish that sentence, but Kiki was staring at her with such compassion that she had a hard time forming words around the lump in her throat. Kiki, who’d questioned her choice to keep the relationship secret in the first place. Kiki, who had loyalty to Asa before she’d even met Lauren, and who had every right to hate her now.
“You thought he was rejecting you,” Kiki said, giving Lauren’s shoulder a squeeze. “And you wanted to make sure he knew that he couldn’t hurt you, that you’d already expected the rejection.”
Lauren let out a very ungraceful hiccup, wiping the back of her hand across her nose. She didn’t even want to think about what a wreck her face must look like.
“But don’t you hear how fuckingasininethat sounds?”Kiki said. “People want to show up for you, Lauren Fox. You have to let them.”
“I know,” Lauren said, even if she wasn’t sure shedidknow. “But what if...”
What if they don’t. What if it’s too late now. What if what if what if.
“Then you show up for yourself,” Kiki said with a crooked smile. “Bloom where you’re planted.”
It took Lauren a minute to realize Kiki was referencing that coffee mug she’d given her, back when Lauren had first started at Cold World. She gave a phlegmy laugh that probably sounded disgusting. “Bloom. Okay, I’ll try.”
“So?” Kiki said. “You coming over?”
Lauren almost saidyes. She didn’t want to waste another minute. But she’d also made such a colossal mess of everything that she worried it wouldn’t be enough, just telling him that she wanted him back, that she wanted to be better this time. She had to show him.
“I actually have an idea,” she said. “But I’m going to need your help.”
Chapter
Twenty-Eight
Asa slumped down in the passenger seat of John’s car. He had the worst headache and the last thing he wanted to do was go to a party.
“How long do we have to stay?”
Kiki leaned up from the back seat, sticking her face right next to Asa’s. “You know you’ll have fun once you get there,” she said, and he winced from how loud and close her voice sounded. At least Elliot seemed to take some pity on him, because they pulled Kiki back, muttering something Asa couldn’t catch.
John glanced over at him. “We’ll leave as soon as you want to,” he said.
Asa knew that the minute he got there, he’d probably feel too guilty to actually pull his friends away if they were having a good time.Someonedeserved to enjoy New Year’s Eve, after all. But it meant a lot that John would even offer—and Asa knew his housemate was as good as his word. If John said he’d get him out of there, he would.
“Thanks,” he said, leaning his head back against the seat.
He wondered what Lauren was doing at that exact moment. Knowing her, she was probably organizing her closetagain. Writing down lists of her resolutions for the year. Reading one last book to get in under the wire on her Goodreads goal. He almost smiled at the thought, before he remembered that he had no right to smile at anything she did anymore. Whatever she was doing, it was without him.
He pulled his phone out, started to click on their last text exchange before putting the phone back in his pocket. He didn’t know why he was torturing himself. Maybe he’d text herHappy New Yearat midnight. That was allowed, right? The same message he sent to a dozen random colleagues and acquaintances.
Maybe he’d get really drunk and call her.
