Page 88 of With Love, from Cold World
“That could’ve gone better,” she said finally, her voice deceptively light.
He swallowed. “Yeah.”
“I actually thought our presentation went great,” she said. “Dolores seemed into our ideas. It’s just—”
“When were you going to tell me?” he asked. “About the master’s program.”
“Classes don’t start for two weeks,” she said. “And like I said, it’s mostly online. It’s not going to change anything.”
Change.If there was one thing Asa didn’t handle well, it was change.
“Aren’t you... happy for me?” she asked tentatively, and he hated the doubt in her voice, hated that he’d had any role in putting it there. At the same time, he didn’t know what he felt. It was too complicated to boil it down tohappy.
He opened his eyes, looking over at her for the first time. He loved her so much it was physically painful, an ache in his chest, his throat, until he realized his eyes were actually starting to sting. He had to glance away, blinking a few times.Despite what the Cure might lead you to believe, boysdocry. How was it possible that only a few weeks ago he’d been teasing her with little jokes like that,testingher on some level, he realized only now, and here he was unable to find a single lighthearted thing to say?
“I am happy for you,” he said. “I want the chance tobehappy for you. But Lauren, why wouldn’t you just share that with me?”
She shrugged, the motion stiff. “At first, I guess I didn’t tell anyone in case I didn’t get in. And then even afterward... I don’t know. It didn’t seem like that big a deal.”
I didn’t tellanyone. He didn’t know if she knew how much that word hurt. Was he justanyoneto her? He wanted to ask. He was scared to ask. He didn’t know if he wanted the answer.
“I know you’re upset about Cold World,” she said. “I am, too. I wish—well, I wish Dolores hadn’t blindsided us with that at the presentation. That we’d known going in that any ideas we’d come up with would be fed straight to an investment group. Maybe we could’ve gone all-in on Daniel’s dumbass idea.”
She smiled at him, and he could tell she was joking, trying to make him laugh. He wondered vaguely if that was the first time he’d ever heard anything approaching a swear word from her. She’d written it on that note on his fridge, back at the start of all this. It was such a stupid thing to focus on, but it was better than any of the alternatives.
“At least if Cold World closes down, we can be public with our relationship, right?”
It came out sounding more bitter than he’d intended, which was exactly why heshouldn’tbe trying to joke at that moment. He felt completely depleted of any humor.
Lauren blinked at him, like she was trying to figure out how to respond. “I mean—of course. If we didn’t work together, there would be no reason to hide it.”
“But as long as we’re both still here...” he finished for her. “You realize everyone probably knows, right?”
She flushed. “I don’t think—”
“Dolores knows.”
“She might suspect, but—”
He gave her a look.
“Okay,” Lauren said, flustered now. “Okay, so maybe she knows. But that’s still different from us being obvious about it at work. It’s more professional if we don’tactlike we’re together. It doesn’t have to change anything about—”
That fucking word again. It made Asa literally tug at his hair, frustrated beyond words at how much she didn’t seem to get it. “Everythinghas changed, Lauren,” he said. “Everything. We just got out of a meeting where our boss told us she was going to recommend us for vice president of finance and middle management at some new version of Cold World, which you know won’t look anything like what it is now, maybe that version will have some dumbfuck HR contract we’d have to sign about not dating colleagues, who knows, but all I know isI can’t do it. I can’t do this anymore.”
He meant he couldn’t hide, that he couldn’t take it if she was going to still shut him out even after all they’d shared and been through. He didn’t mean that he didn’t want to be in therelationshipanymore. But he could tell from the stricken look on her face that that was exactly how it had sounded. And before he could say more, fix it, he saw the way the look fell away until her face was a blank mask. No, not fell—waspushedaway. A return to Robot Lauren.
“That’s fine,” she said.
“Lauren—”
“No,” she said, giving a little laugh that splintered in his heart. “No, that’s fine. I get it. It’s been a lot to take in. It’s probably better if we don’t—”
“Lauren,listento me—”
She pushed herself up to standing, brushing her hands on her skirt. She seemed about to leave, then had second thoughts and turned back around. “You saymiddle managementlike it’s the worst thing that could ever happen to you,”she said. “And maybe it is, that’s fair—but Asa, you have to dosomething. You can’t just guard the Snow Globe for the rest of your life.”
He got to his feet, too, breathing harder than that simple exertion should’ve required. This had been what he’d always been afraid of, deep down—and to hear her say it was like a punch to the gut. He’d known she was too good for him. He’d just lived on the prayer that maybe she wouldn’t notice.
