Page 115 of Lead Me On
“Let me help,” Jane offered, jumping up to grab a bag.
“Thanks, sweetie.”
She helped her mom put the groceries away, surprised that she remembered the exact spot for each item.
“Jessie called me,” her mom said. “Did you hear they’re charging that locksmith already? Jessie’s so relieved they caught the guy. He was worried about you living alone. We all were.”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“Are you sure? You’ve been acting a little odd. Is everything okay?”
Jane stared into the cupboard, hand frozen on a box of cereal. The same kind of cereal Mac had eaten twenty years before. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Sorry for what, baby?”
She couldn’t move, couldn’t face her own mother. “I’m sorry for the kind of person I’ve been.”
“What?”
“And I’m sorry I’ve been so awful to you.”
“Honey, you haven’t been awful to me.”
Jane couldn’t just stand there with her hand on a box of cereal for five minutes. She finally closed the cupboard and turned to meet her mom’s troubled eyes. “I’ve been mad at you since I was twelve, and I’ve stayed away so I wouldn’t have to think about it, but you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry.”
“Well, you’ve been busy with your own life, baby. It’s okay.”
“No, Mom. Don’t make excuses for me. I live twenty minutes away. I haven’t beenthatbusy.”
Her mom looked down before giving a small nod.
“I’m trying to make some changes, but first I wanted you to know that I thought I was mad at you, but mostly I was mad at myself. It was easier to resent you than it was to admit the truth. That I hated myself.”
“Oh, Jane,” her mom said, reaching out to pull her into her arms. “Don’t say that. You’re so smart and pretty and strong.”
“It’s okay.” Her throat burned, but her eyes were dry. It felt good to admit it. “I hated myself, but I think I’m going to give up on that, too. I was just a kid. Teenagers do dumb things. It’s part of the job description.”
“What do you mean? What happened?”
Jane shook her head. If her mom wanted to pretend she hadn’t known anything, then Jane would let her have that. “Just growing pains, Mom. It doesn’t matter now.” She tightened her arms. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. But you know that. We always had each other, didn’t we?”
That much was true. It wasn’t as if her mom had been out on the town with a new boyfriend every week. She’d worked and spent time with Jane and that had been it.
Her mom stepped back, taking hold of Jane’s hand to pull her toward the kitchen table. “You are so much smarter than I ever was. So much more determined. Do you know why I married your father?”
Jane held her breath for a moment, trying to calm her galloping heart. “No.”
“My stepdaddy… You never met him, but he wasn’t a nice person. He beat my mom when he was drunk. Screwed around on her when he wasn’t. And sometimes…sometimes he paid too much attention to me, if you know what I mean.”
She squeezed her mom’s fingers in answer.
“I didn’t trust men. I liked them, but they made me nervous. I never knew what to expect from them. Like your dad… I knew him before he was sent away. He was reckless and arrogant, but charming as hell. We went out once, but he had lots of girlfriends. I knew he’d never settle for me. I was too…small, I guess.
“But when he was arrested, I wrote to him. I figured he could use a friendly word. And he wrote back, Jane. He wrote me so many letters. He said he loved me. Asked me to marry him. I guess he figured I was small enough that I’d marry a man who was about to be sent to prison for twenty years. And I was. I was scared of men, but I so wanted someone to love, and this wild and handsome man had chosenme.”
“So you married him,” Jane said past a tight throat, fighting against the sad need she could hear in her mom’s words. Jane knew how it felt to feel worthless and still want to be loved.
