Page 112 of Lead Me On
Jane began with something easy, telling him about Lori’s upcoming trip to Europe and how Quinn would be joining her in Spain because he’d lived there for a year in college. Then she updated him on how Jessie was doing. “He wrote to the family of Michelle Brown.”
His eyebrows rose. “He did?”
“He wanted to apologize for the part he played in their loss. His lawyer said it would leave him vulnerable to a lawsuit, but Jessie said he didn’t have anything to lose anyway, so he wrote to the family to say he was sorry.”
“That’s good.”
And then there was nothing easy to talk about. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but she’d drawn a line between them, so how could she cross it now?
“I’ve been thinking about my mom,” Jane said.
He started to set down his fork again, but when she frowned, he sighed and picked it up.
“My mom had photos out when I went over. Family pictures. And I noticed something in those pictures.”
“What?”
“I think there were a few years that I just forgot. I forgot them because there was nothing dramatic going on and everything was okay. And I was looking at those photos and I thought…maybe I’ve been mad at the wrong person all these years. My mom made mistakes, but she wasthere,and…and I think I was actually happy.”
“But you talked about those prisons, all those moves from town to town.”
“That was bad. But after Mac was released and Jessie was born… We were a family. And everything was really good until my dad was paroled. My dad…”
She glanced up to find him staring at her, but his eyes dropped to the plate so that she could continue. “I learned to write when I was four, just so I could send him letters. From the moment I sent that first letter, he wrote to me every week. Told me how proud he was and how much he loved me and all the wonderful stuff we’d do together someday. But as soon as he got out of prison, he disappeared. He had better things to do. He didn’t need to entertain himself with a kid. I was mad at him, but I think deep inside I blamed my mom.”
“Because she chose him?”
“Yes. It was her fault he was my dad, but mostly I blamed her because she wasthere.It was easy to hate her. But if I’ve been mad at the wrong person my whole life… That’s kind of awful, isn’t it? That’s really, really bad.” She heard his fork hit the plate, but she couldn’t see much past the tears pooling in her eyes.
“No, I’m fine,” she said, but as soon as his fingers slid over hers, two fat tears dropped down her cheeks.
“Jane, you need to talk to your mom.”
She tried to sniff hard enough to make the tears disappear. “I can’t. I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell her what you told me.”
“I don’t want to admit that I’m a bad person. How can I just say that? ‘Mom, I’m an awful person. Sorry about that.’”
“Oh, come on.” His chuckle sounded a bit panicked, perhaps because the tears were escaping her control. “You’re not a bad person, Jane. Jesus.” His fingers tightened. “Don’t cry.”
“Of course I’m a bad person. I like you so much. But I tell myself I can’t like you, because I need to have a man who comes from a stable family. A man without a record. Someone who’s refined and settled and educated. Because I’mnot,and I need that pretense. On my own I’m just a low-class girl with a sordid past who lucked into a good job.”
“Jane, look at me.”
She grabbed a napkin and wiped her eyes, then let her gaze rise as far as his mouth. Chase hunched down until she was looking at his eyes.
“Listen to yourself.”
“What?”
“You’re looking for a man whocan fixyou?”
“No! I don’t expect a man to fix me! I’m not an idiot. I just want a man I can hide behind.”
Chase’s eyebrows flew high. His mouth twitched up, and Jane felt her mouth twitch, too.
“Jane, I’m no Dr. Phil, but I’m pretty sure you’re certifiably fucked-up.”
