Page 56 of His Housekeeper's Twin Baby Confession
She really hadn’t. She’d known it was there in the ether, like some existential thing she would have to deal with eventually. And she’d also known deep down that she couldn’t keep going as she was. Massimo wouldn’t stand for it. He was a proud man.
He started to pace back and forth, the delicious Christmas dinner forgotten. ‘Thisis why we need to talk—but you’ve turned avoiding me into an Olympic sport.’
Carrie said, a little weakly, ‘We’re talking now.’
‘Because we are literally the only two people in the house.’
When he said that a different kind of tension filled the air. Something that was more charged.
Carrie put it down to her imagination. Since that other evening in the bath she’d felt ridiculously aware of everything.
‘Look,’ he said, running a hand through his hair, ‘we do need to discuss this properly. Our children deserve security and stability.’
And two parents who love each other,thought Carrie, surprised as that assertion slid into her consciousness.
Obviously two parents who loved each other would be the ideal. But, having not experienced that herself—and nor had Massimo—it would have to be good enough that they loved their children.
Massimo sat down again. ‘Why did you stay with your husband?’ he asked bluntly.
Carrie balked a little. But then, ‘At first it was because he charmed me and flattered me. He made me feel safe and secure. Cared for.’
Loved.
But that had been her mistake. It hadn’t been love. It had been an obsessive need to coerce and control someone.
‘And then...?’
‘When I realised it was destructive and potentially physically dangerous for me, I told him I wanted to leave him. But then I discovered I was pregnant. I felt conflicted. On the one hand I knew I had to leave, for my own safety and sanity, but on the other hand I had grown up without a father, and I didn’t want that for my own child. That’s why we were having a row in the car...he’d sensed my turmoil over what to do.’
‘That was a terrible price to pay and it wasn’t your fault.’
Carrie looked at Massimo. ‘I know... It took a long time to forgive myself, though. I think you can understand that.’
Massimo’s jaw clenched. ‘I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for not being stricter with Ric.’
Carrie reached out. ‘Mass—’
But he’d stood up again. ‘Let me clear this and I’ll bring up dessert.’
Carrie stood up too. ‘I can do it.’
But he was already stacking the plates and taking them out.
Carrie wandered back over to the fire and threw a couple of logs on, making the flames jump and hiss. She knew Massimo was right. They did need to talk about the future and how it would look. She knew that under no circumstances did she want marriage. Not after her last experience. Even though she had to concede that Massimo had proved over and over again that he was not like her husband.
She trusted him.
She cared about Massimo—she couldn’t deny it. Cared deeply. He’d not only been her lover, he’d been a friend.
But something was holding her back from investigating just how deep those feelings went.
Fear.
She’d believed herself in love before, and she’d been so wrong that she didn’t trust herself to know what love was. If she named what she was feeling as love, then Massimo would use it as an excuse to make her agree to marriage. And if she agreed to the marriage and she was the only one in love it would destroy her all over again.
You’re a coward, whispered a little voice.
There was a sound as Massimo reappeared with dessert. A choice of traditional Christmas pudding or crumble. Tea and coffee.
