Page 70 of The Governess and the Brooding Duke
‘Why don’t you take the child back to bed?’
‘I am sorry,’ she said. ‘It must be very, very painful. This child. This reminder of the fact that your wife betrayed you.’
‘I failed her. I failed her. And she died because of that.’
The words came out hard and blunt, and he had not meant to say them. He had a habit of that with her. Allowing things to fall out of his mouth that he would never normally.
‘How?’
‘If she was satisfied she would not have sought anyone else, would she?’
‘She could have easily died giving birth to your child. And then you would blame yourself all the more. I think you are the sort of man who carries the responsibilities of the world on his shoulders. Your Grace...’
‘West. We have spoken about desire for one another, why continue the charade?’
‘Because I need it.’ Her eyes filled with tears. ‘I need to pretend. That we never spoke of this. That I never admitted that. To you or to myself. I need to forget that you ever touched me. And that I ever touched you. I need you to be the Duke. Because I cannot allow you to be West. And I must be Miss Smith. Please.’
Unbidden, a hard sound lodged itself in his throat. ‘Do not beg me, Miss Smith, it is an act I find far too compelling.’
She did not shy away from that. Instead, she pushed harder.
‘Please,’ she said, beseeching.
‘As you will it.’
She nodded, and he could see how much this cost her. Could see tears ready to fall.
She held the babe close and walked past him, out of the kitchen, and he let her go. He did not follow her.
Because following her would be an act of folly.
He stood there in the silence of this room that he never inhabited.
This room where he knew the location of nothing.
It was his house. And he never came in this room.
He laughed at the absurdity of it, and moved to brace himself on a table at the centre of the room.
The child could no longer go on without a name. It was as if speaking out loud the truth, that the babe was not his, had firmly placed his feet in reality.
He could not continue to keep the child without a name.
He had decided, by speaking this out loud to her. He had decided to keep the child, to name him, because everything that he had said to her was the truth. It would not do to expose Jane. It would not do to expose the child. What she had said in that regard was also true. And he was an innocent. West, on the other hand, was not.
He bore the shame and consequences for what had happened with his wife.
And so what he had said tonight, about the child not being his son... It would be the only time he said it.
For now, he had to become West’s son.
In earnest.
He could only be thankful that he had hired her as a governess.
Because she would give the child what he needed. She would give the children what they needed. She would take care of them, and it was even more critical that he did not touch her for that reason.
His children had been through enough. And he had seen them today. Happy.
