Page 94 of The Governess and the Brooding Duke
Her defences were obliterated by him. She had no ability to keep this inside, nor even the desire.
It was like all shame had been lifted from her. And perhaps it was foolish. But here they were. She was a governess in his house, and they had lain together. He’d said that he wanted to know her. And so now he could.
‘I was.’
‘You did not lie with a man. You were raped.’
She nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘That is why you carry a knife.’
‘Yes,’ she said, her throat tightening, going aching and painful.
‘I asked you if there was a man in Scotland and you became upset.’
‘Yes. I did. Because in the strictest sense, there was a man in Scotland. A man who did something to me that changed everything.’
A tear slid down her cheek, and it was the strangest thing, because she was not sad. It was only that everything felt so large, and so undeniable now.
She had never spoken of this. Not to anybody. Not really.
She hadn’t had to when Penny had found her.
‘My name is Mary McLaren. Of Clan McKenzie. When I was thirteen I was walking home from collecting food in the forest. For my siblings. There was a man, a man who believed himself to be above reproach. To be above any sort of consequence. He stole me and pushed me into the back of the houses. He pushed me down into the mud, and what happened was... It was nothing like this. It was nothing...’
‘I was rough with you,’ he said.
She nodded. ‘Only to the degree that I encouraged you to be. You gave me power. And you gave me a choice.’
She could see that he was stricken.
‘I had a choice,’ she reiterated. ‘I never once thought that you would release me from my job if I didn’t come to your study tonight. Don’t you understand? I have known how men are since I was far too young. Do you not see why I thought it was so important that your children understood...? I have known since I was a child exactly what happens when a man wants something and feels that he should be allowed to take it. I have known what mystery occurs between men and women, and I thought that I knew everything. But I was wrong. What happened to me is not like this. What happened to me is the difference between a sword fight and a ballet.’
‘Mary,’ he said, his voice rough, ‘I wish you would’ve told me before.’
‘So you could have treated me with more care? No. I did not wish this to be about your feelings. It was about mine.’ She looked down at the coverlet, at the embroidery on it. ‘I spent my whole life without choice. Without a family who cared for me. I had no dreams. I knew nothing of the outside world. I knew only poverty and hunger and neglect. And then a man took my body like it was his, he used me. He took away the only thing I had that wasmine.’
‘But you’re here.’
‘I am here. I made more of myself. I found out I had much more than what had been taken, and I learned what I wanted, what I could be. And that it had nothing to do with my mother or my father, with that man who hurt me.’ A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away. ‘I never wanted a man. In all the years since. But I wanted you. And I... I wanted it to be the way I desired it. I wanted it to be for me. Because that was one thing I had not reclaimed. And I needed to. On my own terms.’
He reached out and took her chin in his hand, tilted her face up to him. ‘I was told there were acts a gentleman was not to visit on a lady. I gave into temptation with you.’
‘You gave me what I wanted. I will tell you the truth now, everything. But I wanted to be with you and not have my past in your mind. It was years ago for me. An old wound. Had I told you beforehand it would have affected everything.’
He nodded slowly. ‘Yes.’
‘I would have worried it changed how you saw me. How you felt. What you did. I felt I was owed a night without worry.’
‘You were,’ he said gravely. ‘You are.’
They said nothing for a long moment. And she knew that she should tell him.
‘I was... He got me with child.’
She could see that he was struggling with violence.
‘I almost died,’ she said softly. ‘Very nearly I did.’
