Page 5 of The Governess and the Brooding Duke
‘You have my warning. My children are...difficult. They are still coping with the loss of their mother.’
For the first time, she allowed herself to think about that loss in a way that wasn’t simply connected to the position she was taking.
‘I’m very sorry.’ Her mouth had gone quite dry. ‘How long has it been?’
‘Just near four months. I have been through four governesses in that time. We need stability. The children, and they... The babe.’
‘The child is four months old, is he not?’
She knew the ages of the children. And suddenly she understood. She had known his wife was dead, but not how. The Duke’s wife had died giving birth. A realisation that made her own body tighten with remembered pain.
She had known his wife was dead but she had not paused to think of what that meant for him beyond the practicalities of the children.
She examined his face, looking for hallmarks of grief, but he was as unreadable to her in that regard as he had been when she was searching for the marks of a predator.
He was unreadable.
If he was remote and hard, then she could understand why. Loss she was familiar with. Perhaps not unto death, but it did not resonate in the soul differently. Not always.
She had lost her son.
She had given him away.
It had been a necessity.
And she did not often think of him.
But going into this household where there would be an infant, something she had not taken on as a governess yet, had put her mind in that place. It put her mind with that child. With the moment of his birth.
And his commentary on her accent had only exacerbated those thoughts.
‘Yes,’ he said.
He offered no further explanation.
‘Your Grace,’ she said. ‘If I may, I am an accomplished student, and have proven to be an accomplished teacher when it comes to my charges. But I will also tell you, and you will have to forgive me if this is far too personal, that I have endeavoured to make a life for myself that is the essence of stability. Since we must speak of my past in Scotland, then let me assure you, I left because I was not afforded a life of stability there. I have sought to make one for myself. I would be happy to stay in one household for as long as I’m needed.’
‘And you do not have designs on marriage?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I had the option to allow the Duke and his wife to sponsor me for a season. I declined.’
‘Really? Very few women in your position would have had that opportunity. Often, being a governess is a last resort.’
‘It is not for me. I have chosen a life of education and occupation.’
‘No yearning for a household or children of your own?’ He did not ask it in a softer compassionate way, and it hit her as a knife’s blade.
‘None whatsoever. As I said, my life in Scotland was not one of stability. I have an overabundance of siblings. And falling somewhere in the middle, there was much care and keeping required of me.’
‘Interesting that you would become a governess where you do care for children.’
‘Under very different circumstances, Your Grace. But I imagine now this is much more information than you ever wanted to have about your governess. Just know that your priorities for your children are mine for my own life. I will endeavour to treat them asyourown. Not my own. What you wish is what will be done.’
She never treated the children as her own. She did not open that section of her heart. She knew what it was to carry a child in her body. She had no desire to ever attach to her charges in such a way. And that was not what was required of her. It did not mean that she could not be kind, it didn’t mean she did not care. But it was not the same as having a child of her own, and she was grateful for it.
For a governess had to leave her charges eventually. They grew up.
She would be with these children for much longer than she had been with the children of her previous household—should all things work out as she planned. She would care for them, but she would never love them. Not in that way.
