Page 117 of The Governess and the Brooding Duke
A life without the children she had come to love was empty.
She would miss being his lover.
But she would miss him altogether if she left him.
She had been alone, for years. And even before she’d gone to his bed, she’d found something here. Something that made her feel part of this family. She would cling to it.
‘I love you,’ she heard herself say. ‘And I will do so in whatever way you need me to.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘If you cannot make me your mistress, if for the children you need me to stay I...’
‘Mary,’ he said again, her name a fierce prayer on his lips. And then he stood and pulled her to him. ‘I am done issuing edicts. I thought that love was to create safety and certainty, and the only way I knew how to do that was to make all of the decisions. To hold myself separate. I loved Jane. But I did not know how to show it. I loved her, but I allowed it to be an unequal love. It was not about her, but about what I thought her to be. Because I did not listen to her, and I did not ask what she wanted. Someone told me what a lady wife wanted, and that is what I did. I never asked what my lady wife wanted. I never saw love. I did not know how to show it. I am trying...’
His voice broke. This duke. This strong, powerful man. This man who had taken her into his arms and shown her what good could come from a man’s strong hands.
This man who knew all the ways to pleasure her body.
This man who had been stoic when telling her about his wife’s death. About the child that wasn’t his.
This man broke looking at her.
‘Mary, I love you. All that you are. The things that you have shown me and told me. And I tried yet again to make a decision for you. I asked you to be my mistress. But I did not ask you what you wanted. What your dream is for this life.’
‘Do not ask me that. Please do not ask me that, because it is cruel,’ she said, her heart beating fast.
‘Trust me,’ he said, holding her chin. ‘You have trusted me with your body. You trust me to hold you in the most vulnerable of ways. Trust me that I will not play dangerous games with your emotions. I will not.’
‘Do not make me say it without telling me what you are willing to give.’ He had said he would not marry. He had said he would not on his wife’s grave and now she could not think how or why it would have changed.
‘I would make you my Duchess.’
She shook her head. ‘You cannot.’
He all but growled. ‘I am aduke. And what is the point of it if I cannot do what I wish? I will make you my wife. And what difference will it make? If you are my mistress they will whisper behind their hands. If you are my wife they will not dare.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I don’t want a fraction of it, I want it all.’
‘You said you would not marry.’
‘I did not want you to love me. I did not want to risk loving you. But it is too late. Because I do not want you to be my children’s governess, a woman in the shadows, I want you to be their mother. Because you have done more for them in this short time than I certainly ever managed to do. You love them. As you love me. In more ways than I deserve, that is certain. And I had the audacity to think of you as a woman from nowhere, with uncertain parentage. My father was no better than yours, they simply gave him a title to go along with his bad blood. Life has made so many decisions for us, but we can make this one. If you do not wish to be my Duchess, then be my mistress. If you do not wish to be my mistress, to be my governess. Only do not leave me. Please. I will not make the decision for you. You must choose what will make you happy. I nearly chose not to tell you that I love you because I wished to protect you from the very thing that I felt destroyed Jane. But it was not my love. It was all the things I held back. And I will hold nothing back from you. You have my word.’
She broke then, flinging herself into his arms. ‘Samuel.’ She kissed him, hard and firm. ‘I will be your Duchess. Because I want everything. If that makes me selfish, then I suppose that I am.’
‘No more than I am,’ he said. ‘Because I do not deserve you. Your love, your patience. Your passion.’
She felt awed by him. Broken open by his words. ‘Do you have any idea...? You are the first person in all the world to make me feel as if I am not a consolation. You make me feel right, Samuel. Unafraid. Loved. You have banished my shame.’
‘And you have shown me how to feel. Really and truly. You’ve shown me how to better make myself into more than simply a man with a good reputation. But a man who is truly good. To those around him. The ones that matter most. My wife. My children.’
She closed her eyes, happiness echoing through her.
My wife.
Mine.
